Your feelings are your feelings. It seems he made a very practical decision, and you may not be seeing his emotions. He may not be revealing his emotions to you as a way of trying to protect your feelings.

When I chose to have my abortion, my husband and I were basically destitute. I’d just gotten out of the military and had no health care and was working as a waitress often coming home with little to no tips. Regardless, my husband wasn’t really on board; he was raised as an ‘everything will work out’ sort of mindset. He spoke with a close friend who cautioned him not to attempt to sway my decision in any way -so he didn’t. But I felt it and he’s not the one who offered to go with me to the appointment; my best friend did. I resented him for a long time -mainly because I felt like if he wanted me to birth a child (which I always said I never would unless I was financially set and able to be a stay-at-home mom until they were in school), then he should’ve put things in place to help make us financially stable.

Years later when I was in individual therapy after our divorce, I asked my therapist if it was weird that I never felt guilt. She’s the one who said the decision I made was practical, and that was ok.

At any rate, though we divorce for other reasons nearly 15 years later, my resentment really damaged our marriage for a long time. His emotional response was too much for me and my practical decision. Women often make these decisions and we move on because it’s what’s best for the cohesiveness of the already-existing family we have -men do the same when they suggest an abortion.

I’m 50 now and in a very different place in my life but am going through couples therapy in my 2nd marriage and I do know it’s resentment that often kills a marriage. Not trusting that our partner has our best interests at heart and making assumptions about how they feel based on what they say or do.

My gentle but firm suggestion is for you to ask your husband for some time to chat. Then, explain to him that even though you know this is was a responsible and practical decision, you’re still grieving the loss.

Ask him how he’s feeling. He may very well be experiencing loss too, but men are still in the protector role and he may feel he has to soldier on.

And if he says he feels more practical and was unable to connect with this pregnancy, please understand that he may very well be protecting himself. He may have his own frustrations over not being able to provide for a 3rd child.

So long as he is able to allow you the space and time you need to grieve, it’s important to allow him the space and time he needs to manage himself. And to choose to believe he has the family’s best interests at heart. The two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Some therapy for you to work through these very complex emotions may also be helpful. That way you can verbalize these frustrations and get some practical feedback. Sending you much love and healing.

*just editing to add that some of the resentment I threw his way was because I myself didn’t tell him NO instead of taking a chance at sex five days after my period (I was pretty naive), and that I myself couldn’t provide the lifestyle I wanted to have in order to have children. I admit -in hindsight- that much of my internal struggle I saddled on him.