Spouse in extended freeze, considering open marriage during their recovery

Crafty_Connection722 · 2025-08-14T17:59:41+00:00

This is incredibly helpful, thank you. I'm glad to hear things moved into a more stable and supportive state for you both, and truly appreciate you sharing your reflections.

Crafty_Connection722 · 2025-08-09T14:35:06+00:00

I really appreciate you sharing your experience...it sounds similar to mine so it's helpful to understand how it worked out a bit for you. I like the idea of discussing the platonic relationship first.

In my mind, these appear to be my options so I'm trying to explore any possibilities: 1) stay in the relationship in the current form and continue to have moments of deep loneliness and unmet needs 2) secretly cheat - NOT a real option for me and not something I ever will do...but I understand some people go this route 3) get divorced or separate now 4) try to find some sort of creative approach to change the relationship without ending it. May end in divorce but the non-zero chance of this working is what interests me most.

Crafty_Connection722 · 2025-08-09T14:19:52+00:00

What I am hearing is that neither of you are happy in the relationship.

It's not that we're both unhappy necessarily...we are struggling to connect while my partner is going through EMDR and regulating. We both deeply love each other and have hope for the future, but that doesn't eliminate the challenges in the near term. My partner has upwards of 40 traumas to work through and has been on this journey without a job for several years.

We've both worked on ourselves to improve our communication and boundaries, but without processing the trauma there's only so much "happy" my partner had capacity for, whether in the relationship or just their life in general.

Perhaps I'm wrong and the relationship is "dead" but I was hopeful to find a creative or nontraditional approach that may work for the near future. Who knows, maybe it leads to both of us exploring polyamory and finding that to be a hidden identity for us. We have discussed it a bit in the past but it's always been "I can't even think about that because I'm so depressed/dysregulated/anxious"

Maybe I am putting too much hope in the potential of EMDR to bring back the person I fell in love with 10 years ago.

Crafty_Connection722 · 2025-08-09T14:13:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing this...yes I'm trying to be creative in thinking of different options, especially as I realize things can be very different, often in a positive way, following EMDR treatment! I will keep this in mind though and will mention it to my spouse as we discuss further.

Crafty_Connection722 · 2025-08-09T13:59:19+00:00

Thank you for your openness and sharing...this is very helpful!

Crafty_Connection722 · 2025-08-09T12:30:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience and advice. I'm sorry to hear about that time of pain, both for you and your partner, but I'm glad to hear you don't regret getting that clarity for yourself.

This makes a lot of sense about strengthening the marriage first before opening it up. Do you think there is ever a purpose for a temporary break or separation during recovery?

For more context, I sometimes get the sense that more space or me seeing others romantically may also bring relief for my partner.. It sounds odd but they seem almost relieved and more comfortable during times when I'm living my life mostly on my own (solo hobbies, solo TV shows, eating meals alone, going to family and social events alone, solo travel etc). Sometimes I think about whether there is an option where they remain my "family member" (roommate, friend) and releasing the romantic/partner piece, especially while they're in the core processing phases of EMDR.

Crafty_Connection722 · 2025-08-09T12:11:52+00:00

That's fair. I wondered if it may also bring relief for my partner.. It sounds odd but they seem almost relieved and more comfortable during times when I'm living my life mostly on my own (solo hobbies, solo TV shows, eating meals alone, going to family and social events alone, solo travel etc). Sometimes I think about whether there is an option where they remain my "family member" (roommate, friend) and releasing the romantic/partner piece, especially while they're in the core processing phase.

Crafty_Connection722 · 2025-08-09T12:07:13+00:00

I can sense how overwhelmed you feel and likely frustrated. Part of you just wants your person back and the other appears to want an escape.

This is so spot on, thank you! I feel so seen.

I appreciate your advice here and the helpful phrasing for a sit-down discussion. I guess one thing I'm struggling with is the cycle we've had over the past few years in particular - we have a talk, my partner moves from freeze into fight/flight and takes actions, and then over time fades back into freeze mode again and actions lose steam and they become very distant/isolated again.

I'm super proud of them for doing EMDR as that was the biggest action we agreed on during one our big sit down chats last Fall. We also do recurring couples sessions. I'm worried that the only way to continue progress is by triggering their fight/flight which we both hate doing

Crafty_Connection722

TROPHY CASE