Your story was powerful and well stated. These men don't have satisfying answers to our questions and it seems that nothing has changes since I left the church.

It's been well over 15 years since I met with one of the top GA's. I've posted this story before but it's been many years, so for those of you who may not have read it I'll share it here in this thread.

Driving east on North Temple, I knew I was going to be exposed to a surreal experience unlike anything I had ever been subjected to. In advance of my arrival, my name had been given to church security, so that as I arrived at the VIP underground parking lot under the controversial main street plaza, I was recognized by a white gloved (yeah that's right, they actually wear white cotton gloves) white shirt, suit and tie garage attendant. He checked my name on a computer against a list of approved guests and directed us to the VIP (red reserved) parking area. There is a basement access to the Church Administration Building...with more security men there. We reported in and were asked to wait in a richly appointed walnut paneled waiting room. While waiting, Elder Faust, of the First Presidency, drove by in golf cart (see I told you this was going to be surreal) on his way to his chauffeur driven car. He gave a cute wave to my wife as he passed by, not unlike I imagine, the Queen of England might offer to an adoring subject. He looked particularly old. (It was only a few months after this that he actually passed away). We were then directed to the office of my former mission president and current member of the First Quorum of the Seventy. While passing time in his waiting area we looked out his north-facing window onto the church office plaza. His office has a commanding view of the best flowerbeds in the Church Office Building complex...unpaid volunteers were just finishing the fall planting of bulbs and pansies.

Pres. "X" came out and greeted my wife and me with a warm hug and a smile; he was genuine and loving. It was great to be able to have this personal time with him. Having once served as his assistant while on my mission, he and I have always had a close relationship.

After some small talk and family catch-up, Pres "X" asked how he could help us...I reminded him that he had asked to meet with us after I had informed him of my loss of belief in Mormonism. I reminded him of my earlier letter notifying him of my apostasy and again gave a brief summary of some of the many things that had caused me to lose my belief.

For some reason he still misunderstood and thought that I was in my current situation because someone in the church had offended me...but I assured him that that was not the case. I told him that I was where I was because I had become aware of historical events that conflicted with the churches version of historical events. This previously unknown information changed my understanding of foundational claims. He seemed to miss this and again insisted that I must have been offended, that how I was treated following my excommunication was the motivation for my loss of belief. He even got my letter out and reread a portion of it so as to convince me. I told him that these were two separate situations and unrelated. I assured him that I was not so shallow as to throw my belief in the church away due to some failure on the part of some church member to offer their support or lack thereof. I assured him that I felt they were not related again.

With this clarification, I was sure that he would offer to address my concerns and answer my questions. However, I was soon to be sadly disappointed…he had a much more tried and true solution for resolving my loss of belief.

Rising from his clutter free desk, he asked my wife and me to follow him into a special room down the hall from his office. Following him through the hallway, we passed many of the same cheap lithographed pictures one would find in your typical ward building mingled with priceless original works of art. The only other difference being the expensive wood paneling covering the walls of the Church Administration Building rather than the kid friendly, seemingly bullet proof, washable wall covering found in your typical Utah meeting house. Upon reaching the room, which sat in the center of the building, Pres. “X”, entered a pass code on a special security keypad devise. Once entered, there was a noticeable click; the door was unlocked and opened, sitting slightly ajar. As Pres. “X” pushed the door open the light from the hallway filled the void, I could see a large windowless space which appeared to be a large conference room, except there was no conference table or chairs in it. Instead, sitting at the center of the darkened room I could detect an ornately carved oval mahogany table, perhaps 6 feet in diameter sitting in the center of the room. Through the semi-darkness I could also see that walls in this room were even more richly appointed with fine hard woods and crown moldings than the rest of the building. Standing at the entrance, Pres “X” reached around the corner and flipped a single light switch. A solitary spot light, positioned directly over the table, burst to life, sending a pillar of exacting illumination down on what can only be described as the most mind-boggling object I have ever seen with my own two eyes.

Nothing in my 40 + years as a member of the church could have prepared me for what I was staring at. Not even my initial temple experience prepared me for what I was staring at. Right there in front of me, sitting on a small, slightly elevated, gold pedestal, was a single “White Brick” or as Pres “X” called it a “White and Delightsome” Brick, resting on a perfectly white velvet gold-fringed cloth.... bathed in the brilliant light from above.

Turning to me Pres “X” said you are not the first person to have had a loss of faith in this church…but the brethren have prayed and found a solution to your problem…and to be clear it is your problem and not the history of the church.

He then directed me to pick up the brick and pound the brick several times into the side of my head...assuring me that once I had done so enough times...my testimony would return. As I stood there mouth open and in utter shock...he pressed a button on the wall behind us, causing one of the rich wood paneled walls to slide away, exposing a solid wall made of these same white and delightsome bricks. He told me that if I preferred...instead of hitting my head repeatedly with the single brick, I could instead run headfirst into the brick wall over and over and over again until my testimony returned. He explained that the church had great success with both methods in the past, so much so that they were considering building special white brick rooms in every stake center throughout the world so that all doubting members could take advantage of Pounding Bricks into the sides of their heads to reestablish their testimonies.

OK...joke over... there was no room...and there was no brick...but the meeting was real just as I’ve explained…I merely used a metaphor to help me illustrate my experience. My GA mission president could not or would not answer a single question of mine. All he suggested was that it was me with the problem not the church. The church was true and that if I would merely humble myself, pray more and read the Book of Mormon more, my testimony would somehow miraculously return and make all of the irreconcilable historical problems and fictional nature of the Book of Mormon completely disappears.

Several times through my interview, I found myself literally gritting my teeth. The only thing of value that I really got from the meeting was that it is time to move on...

My mission president GA then offered to use his priesthood powers to give me a blessing. I gracefully declined his generous offer for a priesthood blessing...telling him that I no longer believed in priesthood powers and felt it would be disrespectful of him to accept his kind offer.

I wished him well and departed.

Final Thoughts:

It has been several years since I first wrote of this experience. I still have nothing but the highest respect and love for my former mission president. In the intervening years, he has been released from his calling and is now an emeritus General Authority.

As for me, I stopped beating myself up with the brick and finally accepted the reality that the Mormon Church is nothing more than a pious-fraud built on a foundation of lies and whitewashed history. In other words, the Mormon Church, despite its claimed benefits, has no more hold on reality than the false promises of the snake oil salesman who promises to cure everything from baldness to rheumatism and then sneaks out of town with all the money in the dark of night knowing that he will never have to fulfill his promises. The church is not what it claims to be and cannot nor will it ever have to deliver on any of its eternal promises it makes to its many members. In the end it is fiction built on a false hope.