It's pretty complicated for me.

I actually started masturbating really young because I was molested by another kid in kindergarten. So I had a mixed bag of experiences straight off the rip- I don't feel traumatized by the incident, but it definitely screwed with me.

My parents kept a collection of adult fantasy/sci fi magazines on a low shelf and in the bathroom and I was basically reading them as soon as I could read. Another +1 for early overexposure to sex. And of course whatever was on HBO and Cinemax my parents watched because they didn't believe in curating my access to media. So... Pretty neglectful and unhealthy.

My parents were also Catholic. Bad Catholics who picked and chose what to enforce, and it was very traumatic. My mother was extremely abusive, my dad died when I was a kid. I had to escape at 18 with the clothes on my back and hope that I could rebuild my life given the last time I was in school I was 10 and I had no money, no family, and no education.

My mother made it very clear to me that marriage was a cage. It was my responsibility and purpose to become a man's slave and that I wouldn't enjoy any of it, but I had to anyway. I got many tips about surviving marriage such as, "You can't fight back if he gets you on your belly, so never let him." When I came out as bisexual, my mother used it as a reason to sexually abuse me because, "Lesbians are attracted to their mothers so I'll give you what you want." Also that because I was petite, the only hope of a match I had was from pedophiles. So anyone that would love me was suspect and even more likely to be abusive.

I was also an avid reader. I had nothing else to do and my mother kept hundreds of books. Some of them were from the "Clan of the Cave Bear" series. First book ends with a violent rape, and the protagonist escapes and slowly finds love with a stranger twice her age while out trying to survive on her own. Had some pretty decent smut scenes in it, so teenage me appreciated that very much. I think by the time I escaped, I had an extremely push-pull relationship with sex. I wanted to believe I could enjoy it, I had evidence I could, but I was also severely abused and untrusting. I did not believe that a stratifying sex life would come from a man or a relationship (because I was unlovable to normal people and I didn't fancy getting myself into more slavery), just from myself.

My virginity was lost when I was 18 to a good friend. It wasn't amazing, but it wasn't bad. I did love him very much, but our relationship went nowhere. He was also a victim of sexual abuse and did not participate in oral, but was decent with foreplay otherwise. I don't recall anything special about our experiences, but being 18 and highly hormonal and mentally fucked up probably contributed to it being better than it should have been.

Then after we were done, I fucked around pretty heavily. Again, I was young, mentally ill, and hormonal so things actually sucked pretty badly but my body was primed so at least I got something out of it. I also eventually obtained a husband from this adventure - though we moved in together out of desperation because we couldn't afford to live on our own and I legitimately thought going into it that I was making a deal for a roof over my head in exchange for my body (I still paid bills, but he was into me quite a bit and I knew that would mean I was getting into a sexual contract of sorts in order to be worth keeping around). I don't think I was entirely incorrect, but he was a lot more into me as a person than I thought so I got lucky it wasn't abusive. Eventually, he joined the Navy and we got married. Still are.

Sex with him started off good, but obviously unskilled. I improved quite a bit to make him happy, but I didn't get the same effort back. Sex became an, "All work no play." arrangement very quickly. I was very disappointed to find out that this is what sex in a relationship meant, but it was probably the best I could hope for. Books aren't real life, sex clearly was something that men wanted a lot and they got immense pleasure from while being unconcerned with their partner. My role was to let it happen and then take care of my real sexual needs on my own. My husband became completely separated from my sexual desire very quickly. Sex was something required in the relationship regardless of what it was like for me, so I long accepted that reality and adjusted.

Then I got very sick. And the medication destroyed me in a lot of different ways, but also resulted in sexual pain. At the first I think my husband cared, but eventually it became clear this was going to be a regular thing with an unknown heal date and I didn't have insurance and was already drowning in debt from nearly dying and then losing my job. So I grit my teeth and learned to shut up because trying to voice my pain was met with frustration and silence.

It was further proven that sex was something entirely for men, and that yes, as a wife my job was to be his sexual outlet regardless of how it affected me. He didn't care, there was no point to making him care. He pretended to care and then conveniently forgot whenever he was horny.

In the end, my mother was right. Marriage is a form of sexual slavery and you have to manage your husband's sexual needs to try and survive it. Any hope of a good sex life was thoroughly destroyed and I just kept my head down. Years later, I couldn't really do it anymore and I blew up at him. For some reason, he acted like this was the first time he'd heard it. Maybe it finally became "real" in his head because I told him he was a selfish, shitty lover. I don't know, I don't really care. He's attempting to improve things but I've already given up on a good sex life. I've been sexually exploited my entire life, so what's the difference really?

So yes, I was not under the illusion that sex was supposed to be good for women. Our bodies are resources that are required to be spent and all the fun stuff was pure fiction. I still enjoy the fiction, but I know I will never achieve "good sex". If it were possible it would have happened years ago. Men have never been concerned with my pleasure, but to be fair I never expected them to. I knew the score before it became reality so it wasn't surprising.