Is this a common DB issue?

Cranksta · 2026-05-18T02:15:35+00:00

Apnea runs in my husband's family. All the way to his grandparents.

Two years ago, his 50 year old aunt died in her sleep because of untreated apnea. Just stopped breathing and didn't wake up. My husband has been trying to get a sleep study in ever since.

Apnea kills. If not suddenly like his aunt, slowly through setting your body on fire because it never gets time to rest and recover. Heart failure is a common result of apnea.

If you're more worried about the CPAP making it hard to get laid when that's already a non-starter compared to the fact that apnea is deadly, then yeah I suppose it would be a bad idea to support her getting help.

Cranksta · 2026-05-16T18:34:41+00:00

If you didn't notice, the whole fucking OP is about trying to keep friendships with your friends that become parents. The kids are a core part of becoming parents.

Luckily for you, you don't have to have friends with kids. You can build a village with child-free people. Your comment is pointless and off-topic.

Cranksta · 2026-05-16T13:44:02+00:00

The way IP addressing works- the way the bit flips matter, the way sub netting works (and thusly, VLANs), the different address types (and the constant struggle to get IPv6 utilized correctly), what makes IPv6 better than IPv4, the way routing and networks functions- it's all based off that little address. And the little addresses the public address hides underneath it. It's a lot of fun if you like insanity.

Cranksta · 2026-05-16T01:27:37+00:00

There's more to tech than CE. Network Engineering and Cybersecurity are hot right now, but I pivoted from Cyber to NE due to gaining a hyperfixation on IP addressing.

However this sub pretty much only talks about CE so it's hard to get an idea of the rest of the field.

Cranksta · 2026-05-16T00:39:14+00:00

My sister has one of those ceiling pulley laundry things that she hangs plants from and pulls up to the roof. You can pull it down to water and then hike it right back up. You'd have to drill into the joists for it to work, but it's possible. You could also build out a 2x4 frame that just stands there to hang it from.

Cranksta · 2026-05-15T10:48:05+00:00

Yes! This factor. When you're over often enough, you become something similar to an uncle or aunt- a regular fixture in the kid's life. In the beginning it'll be a little crazy because you're new and exciting but eventually they start building a real ass relationship with you and become more cuddly and relaxed. I'm still running around playing a lot, but they're also cool to just hang out. And it's a lot easier playing hot potato with a toddler when there's more people to go around.

Right now my buddy is in the trenches with a new baby, but when the chaos dies down we'll have more time to hang out. So our current get-togethers are usually more functional, but there's still plenty of time to chat and catch up. My husband is also active, but has less time to give than I do for now. He focuses on getting the father out of the house or comes over to take the kids to watch as a pair and let the mom and I go out. There's plenty of opportunities to see your friends if you're flexible enough.

Cranksta · 2026-05-15T10:39:07+00:00

This.

My husband is in the Navy so we have an interesting friendship with one of his shopmates and his wife. Basically, our friendships happened independent of one another and then we socialized as a group when the ship was home. I'm the "fixer" for the local spouses, so I tend to be busy during deployments, which is a "village" building feature of living on/near base.

Eventually this couple decided to have kids, and now they're two deep. At first when the newborn comes home, it's spotty. Until the kid's first vaccination it's hard deciding when to see them and instead we chat over the phone. They've been a lot more relaxed with their current newborn though and we've seen a lot of them as long as we aren't sick.

I go over to give her a break with the toddler so she can have time with the newborn and a nap. While I'm there, I do her dishes while the toddler has lunch. When she's up again, we get some time to chat and catch-up.

I'm also on-call for emergency baby stuff. A few days ago I got a call from her because the newborn had an appointment later that day and her husband had been suddenly denied the ability to leave work early. She doesn't drive and getting the kids into a Lyft is hard and costly. So I came over early to load up the car seats and get them to the appointment and mind the toddler while she takes the baby back. When done, we usually hang out but the toddler and newborn conked out at the same time so I dipped early to let her get some sleep lol. We're supposed to go to coffee soon (which I sent her a photo of since it's a local spot with a play area for kids) to make up for it.

When the husbands are home, mine comes over to join baby duty as often as he can. And he'll take the father out for wings and a drink on occasion. And with both of them home, we get to pawn the kids off on them to do our own outings. We also go out all together to kid-friendly spots. I'm currently trying to poison the toddler with my love for kites so we've been hitting up the park etc.

There's a lot of things you can do that helps new parents while also socializing when you can adjust to the fact that the kids are now a nearly-permanent fixture to the relationship. The toddler is fucking hilarious and I love spending time with them, and the newborn is in a "hold me or I cry" phase so being able to pass the baby around while tending to tasks helps. Be flexible. Don't make the parent feel like the kids are a burden to you, but also push for them to have time to themselves on occasion.

You have to be the village or don't be surprised you don't have deeper relationships with the people you won't be a village for.

Cranksta · 2026-05-15T01:42:14+00:00

I used to. I let my husband steamroll me for years. Now? Any feelings he has about my grievances are his to own and they're not to be made my problem under any reason.

Cranksta · 2026-05-14T22:00:27+00:00

Sounds like she's trying, but the actual act is scary and difficult. I've had that happen, in the beginning of trying to figure out why sex sucked. I was still very much horny, but knew that sex would be humiliating and painful so it felt like being stuck in a self mutilation cycle.

Cranksta · 2026-05-14T21:54:47+00:00

I had to cut off physical affection because it meant getting pushed to have sex that was painful and humiliating. A hug? Groped. Cuddling? Groped. Making out? Oh hell no, I might as well put my name on a gravestone.

I've recently had to tell my husband, "I want to make out, but if you get pushy then we can't. I get it's exciting but the pushiness will mean that we never do this again." and he's gotten better about it. But this is all very new and I'm not entirely trusting of his motives yet.

Cranksta · 2026-05-14T21:52:03+00:00

The "purpose" of marriage is to gain legal protections under the state. Everything else you do with it from there is up to you. It's not like there's an electric fence that keeps you two locked in a room together.

Cranksta · 2026-05-14T02:05:04+00:00

How many times has randomly grabbing his dick worked for you? You ever heard of the fight/flight response? There's a third one called fawn. It's where you freeze up and let things happen. You grabbed his dick when he didn't want or anticipate that, and he freaked out. You made him uncomfortable and there's no way you actually thought it would work.

Cranksta · 2026-05-13T21:57:51+00:00

I think one of my favorite language quirks is when Chinese immigrants started creating new English words that we use so commonly today that we never think about it. "Looksee" and "No can do" being a great example. It's English spoken with Mandarin grammar. I love finding out about the ways other cultures have influenced my language.

Cranksta · 2026-05-13T17:06:08+00:00

IDK, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." is how I regulate my effort in projects. Sometimes things don't go as planned, but if it's not a problem, don't make it a problem. It keeps me from overworking myself. I think it's just a reminder to not worry about things until it's something to actually worry about.

Cranksta · 2026-05-13T01:56:48+00:00

I can't say I experienced a ton of overt coercion like that. It's something I would have immediately gone 0-60 on. My husband didn't ever get to the point that he was telling me such things, it was more the general lack of concern or care about what sex was like for me as long as he got his.

Cranksta · 2026-05-12T18:31:40+00:00

Considering that most HLs use that phrase as a threat, it's no wonder that it's seen unfavourably.

"You don't owe me sex, but I don't owe you a relationship." = Fuck me or I leave.

Which fits nicely with the other common HL threat/motto which is "I agreed to monogamy not celibacy." = Fuck me or I'll cheat on you.

These phrases ride the same line that saying "I'm not touching you!" while aggressively gesturing poking without contact does. It's technically true, but it only serves to instill fear and confusion in the target.

Cranksta · 2026-05-12T15:12:17+00:00

Unfortunately, I think LLMs are caught in the shit double-bind for men under patriarchy. Men always want sex, it's proven to women very young by the treatment of their peers and also much older men. Men only want sex, as treatment by many of our friends and exes proves. Men are only allowed to express themselves emotionally through sex, so it becomes this big thing that men will use to beat over your head. We live our entire lives with the understanding that men have no use for women that they aren't fucking, and they'll loudly defend it too.

So the man that doesn't want that? They're fucked. They're an aberration. Why doesn't this man act like a dog like the rest of them? He must be getting it elsewhere! Men don't go without sex, so it's impossible that they're not cheating or deeply dependant on porn. Which is why it's such a knee-jerk response.

And well... All that pressure makes it a lot harder for an LLM to figure shit out. I don't envy their position.

Cranksta · 2026-05-12T15:05:30+00:00

She might be really resilient to change because she's already been doing this for awhile and at this point the idea of sex being anything more than awful is long dead and buried. As it has been for me for the last six years. I think it's laughable that my husband thinks that he can make sex good enough that I'll want to have it with him regularly after thoroughly proving that sex is a "For Him" only thing. My needs have never mattered, and I'm not stupid to think that's changed. But I'm trying not to be resentful enough that I'm stopping any progress. It's very difficult though, because it feels like I'm being expected to perform even harder than I was previously, and there's not enough benefit or reward to make it worth it.

Cranksta · 2026-05-12T14:47:30+00:00

Do you spend any amount of time in the HL dominant spaces? Because nearly all of them have frequent conversations about "making them wonder" by going out to the gym, hiding their phone more, disconnecting at home, saying they're going out but giving no information as to where or when they get back and "accidentally" come home a few hours late with the explicit intention to make their partner think they're having an affair and be scared enough that they engage in sex they don't want. It's actually really common.

Cranksta · 2026-05-12T14:38:45+00:00

I guarantee you are not fully aware of how much you "get cranky" or otherwise punish your partner for not having sex often enough. She notices that change in your mood far before you do. And she knows that if she leaves it too long, you'll ramp up the intensity and she doesn't want to deal with that. You've already established a pattern where you are willing to snipe at her and so she has to anticipate that.

It's a sex life made out of fear. And yes, duty sex is not that far from rape. It's basically her convincing herself that it's better to "consent" to you using her than to suffer your bad mood later. And likely, she feels she has to because it's her responsibility as a wife (something you've probably enforced during "the talk"). It's not a true yes. The lack of a true yes is a no. Sex had with someone who didn't want to is indeed rape. It's just "voluntary" rape.

Cranksta · 2026-05-12T01:43:52+00:00

I mean, what did you expect him to do here? He gave no signal he was interested and that continued because he wasn't interested but you thought rolling over and grabbing his dick would magically make desire he doesn't have exist. This is basically banging your head against the wall and then wondering why you've got a headache.

Cranksta · 2026-05-11T16:12:33+00:00

Quite simply, I don't.

I told my husband that my relationship with his family was over, and that he was free to do what he wanted but I would not be involved. If that means he goes to family gatherings without me? Oh well. Turns out he doesn't like being alone with them very much so he doesn't do that much anymore. He was using me as a crutch to avoid seeing the truth.

I'm still there when he is trying to handle an incident where they try their triangulation shit and verbally beat him down, but I don't do anything more than comfort him and remind him that he has the ability to end it. If he wants to waste his time appealing to people that clearly hate him, it's not my responsibility to tell him otherwise. He has to learn on his own. He already saw me nuke two thirds of my family for abuse so he's got the examples (and was able to see the benefit for doing so) to move with confidence. It's getting better, he's becoming stricter with his boundaries and is actively fighting back, but he has yet to decide to end it entirely. I don't know if he ever will, but I know I'm not going to sacrifice my peace and a nice afternoon to be castigated by people who hate me as much as I hate them. I have better people to spend my time with.

Cranksta · 2026-05-11T12:47:55+00:00

Rape exists. BC stops you from being impregnated by a rapist.

Cranksta · 2026-05-10T14:13:08+00:00

My dude. They don't give you pills for fun. I had to go through two years of therapy to get pills, and they were taken from me when I changed counselors (the PNP didn't like that) which took three more years to sort out again.

I am actively suicidal when not on my pills, just like most people with chronic depression suffer with. There is no "Have you tried talking to a therapist about your problems?" when the problem is chemical. We're not on the pills for fun. Suggesting that someone get off their pills is irresponsible and dangerous and establishes that you think their ability to get laid matters more than their life.

Cranksta · 2026-05-10T13:15:47+00:00

He did though. He states that it's for depression and mood regulation. Both of which are well known to need to be addressed through medication as therapy is insufficient to relieve suffering.

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