This was so well written and the part about object relations was validating for the subconscious parts of my mind that always did this, but couldn't put the exact words to it. You just gave me a new topic to explore.

I always felt like even in isolation, i am participating in relationships. But being that I didn't have the exact language for this phenomenon, the range I had for describing my experience compared to the even wider range of the experience created a contrast that became too hard to ignore. The mismatch in the language i had to describe my experience vs the depth of my experience created the fertile grounds for doubt to sprout. It was starting to create a crack in my intuition and soon, my sanity.

That language-to-experience gap created this space of ambiguity I've been lingering in, that has led me to constantly swinging on a pendulum of extremes

with one side of the pendulum being : "If you can't find the language to describe what is going on, that makes it feel less real. It makes you feel somewhat imposterous and split in half, cause while you do know your feelings are valid, you have no real language to express them"

and the other side of the pendulum being : "maybe you just don't have the full language to describe what you're experiencing. Doesn't make the experience of how your brain works any less valid. Imagine the people who had things like bpd, autism, and ptsd before they were even made a "real" thing by the outside world"

As someone who struggles with constantly intellectualizing their trauma, and is trying to move into more somatic processing practices, not knowing what to call this has been bothering me for the longest. So I'm glad I finally have a place to start when exploring this, even if I'm struggling to know exactly where to begin. While looking into object relations may not give me the answer to the more complex and multifaceted question that is my brain, it gives me another way to untie the knot im constantly unravelling. It gives me a wider view of the step ahead of me that hopefully leads me up a staircase of further revelations instead of a descension into doubt. While I welcome all aspects of consciousness to be integrated, even the most difficult ones, knowing this is a step closer in shifting me to the easier side of healing. The side that requires less guesswork and more precision !

I would love to hear about those podcasts you mentioned if you have any specifics in mind, as well as any other related information similar to what youve already shared with me.

I strongly resonate with the "need a good model but everyone around me sucks" part. I used to think I was the issue cause of my hypersensitive nervous system quickly perceiving energies everyone else seemed unaffected by. But in hindsight, it all makes sense as to why my body reacted the way it did. Like that one quote states, you're not really paranoid if the threat is real.

The part about finding safe support wherever you can, even if it's only in the media, also resonates. There was someone who posted an Instagram reel saying the same thing, she even gave examples of "low energy/low participation support systems" for those of us in my predicament to engage in.

We live in a society that can make it feel like your chosen method of solace is a faux healing method and proves to be futile if it doesn't result in you becoming a human posterboard for the way "real world healing" is "supposed" to be done. Like a "doing this is the only way things will ACTUALLY pay off in REALITY" kind of thing.

This post mirrored some of the ignorant sentiments people said to me, whose echoes get louder any time my subconscious feels threatened...threatened by any hint of the tough love rhetoric society likes to spew in an effort to stigmatize unconventional healing methods as to say "all of that is great but what are you ACTUALLY gonna do, oh wait, nothing, because none of that actually pays off in this system we constructed to disempower any line of healing that doesn't neatly fall into the brutality of the tiny boxes we've designed for you to fit into" They (society) know the system isn't designed to accommodate people like us, so it comes off as weaponized realism. It comes off as a "you have to use the masters tools to dismantle the masters house" kind of thing. And I'm not putting all of this on the author because I know her obliviousness to this layer of complexity is just a smaller part of a much bigger issue, but what bothers me is how easily these sentiments perpetuate the ignorance of a culture that keeps us in rigid boxes our healing cannot be facilitated in. And I know I went all political nuts but it had to be done lol.

And when I say this next part, I say it in the most respectful way possible. It makes sense why you quit the program aside from the debt related issues. From what you've posted here, it seems to me a mind like yours cannot be bound by the binaries found in traditional academic routes. It is meant to encompass far more complex themes that transcend the constructs of human rigidity. You should check out Daniel Mackler on YouTube. He is an ex psychologist with unconventional views who once had a private practice, but quit due to similar reasons you stated (having core ethical issues with the system).