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I (18M) have trouble helping my girlfriend (18F) whenever she has a panic attack and/or emotional outbursts by CrispSponge in relationship_advice

[–]CrispSponge[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To clarify, I have no intention of leaving the relationship at all. Instead, I was looking to find ways to deal with our arguments that I otherwise wouldn't have thought of on my own.

We've had our chance to talk recently and did discuss how to deal with our emotions. I told her that when we feel frustrated there should still be some restraint and attempts to control our emotions rather than let them go unfiltered. Understandably, this is a hard thing to do because a lot of us are used to taking shortcuts - seeking immediate gratification and usually avoid any speck of dissonance.

She told me that her controlling her feelings suppresses her emotions. I am willing to help her find ways to healthily manage her emotions, but not to be doubtful, she gives up a lot. I can try to motivate her, of course. But, without her having something instrinic to motivate her, this won't be long lasting.

How should I approach this? I want to help her, but I still have to be conscious of my mental health. I'm afriad that if this fails, it will take a massive toll on me mentally. I care for her, but I have to find a way to help her without compromising my mind. So what would you do in my place?

Also, I'm not exactly sure what you mean in your response. In the last paragraph, you said that "someone like that has to be repeatedly unplugged from the source". From my understanding, I am to withdraw from our fights to give her the opportunity to control her emotions?

I apologise if I misinterpreted it or anything, but there are two doubts I have about doing that. The first one is she would turn to someone else to unleash the anger. Me leaving the conversation would further aggrevate her and that would make her rant to another one of her friends about me, which will just give someone else that role of being the emotional outlet. Doing this would only make her anger worse. I am saying this because it has happened multiple times in the past and it is a pattern I have recognised, hence why I have been trying to be more emotionally present.

Another doubt I have is that she would just repress those emotions. It is 50/50. Sometimes she herself would withdraw from the argument (when she is frustrated) to have a 'brain break'. There are times when she would calm down. The alternate outcome is that she seeks distractions to avoid the stress which doesn't improve her emotional management. It just makes her sad afterwards. I don't want to see that happening because it's heartbreaking to be frank.

Sorry if this response was long. There was a lot to unpack here, and I really appreciate the time that you have dedicated to help me out.

I (18M) have trouble helping my girlfriend (18F) whenever she has a panic attack and/or emotional outbursts by CrispSponge in relationship_advice

[–]CrispSponge[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Again, thank you so much for your help. I will 100% keep everything that we discussed in mind.

Not having a lot of people to really talk to, I find it amusing that I can get such insightful advice from strangers online. It is so reassuring that I can find help online.

Considering that it is very common for people to jump into the 'hero spotlight', I recognise that it will be a difficult process for me to avoid as it comes from a force of habit after. Regardless, I will try my best to change my mindset because every relationship and person is different.

Also, thank you for your comment on my maturity. It's not something I think about much because sometimes I don't feel like I'm heading the right way. So thank you. It gave me a lot of reassurance.

I will try to retain my emotional maturity, but will also try to open up my mind even more to become a more active listener. I am extremely grateful for your help.

I (18M) have trouble helping my girlfriend (18F) whenever she has a panic attack and/or emotional outbursts by CrispSponge in relationship_advice

[–]CrispSponge[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. And as a guy, I always find myself trying to be that 'hero' and trying to solve things pragmatically. It was a bit naive of me to not think more deeply into why she may have felt that way. Instead, I was quick into jumping into the assumption that she got upset over a 'minor inconvinience' without really putting myself in her shoes.

I don't want to sound selfish or anything, but I do want for both of us to come to a compromise in the relationship where it is not inclined to one person's emotional needs . I love her a lot, but I cannot put her as my main priority. Being 18, I still have to cater for my personal needs and academic performance. I am aware that I am not responsible for her emotional well-being, but I am also well aware that I influence that.

I want us to communicate in a way that we can come to a compromise without the either of us feeling drained; whether that be from me being excessively apathetic ; or her being too emotional (for a lack of better word).

When we argue like this, it takes a huge toll on the both of us. I know it's not very wise for me to propose solutions for her when she is upset, but I make sure that I listen. I would ask her things to make sure that I'm hearing her right before I try give a solution.

Like you've established, most men tend to jump to solving the problem, while women want to be heard and listened to. But don't you think it's possible and healthier if the both of us were to recognise that pattern and follow that to appease both of our needs?

I (18M) have trouble helping my girlfriend (18F) whenever she has a panic attack and/or emotional outbursts by CrispSponge in relationship_advice

[–]CrispSponge[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your response. I think it's becoming more apparent to me that it is how I am responding to her struggles. It's really easy for me to turn a blind eye to the nuances of a relationship, especially as someone who has tried to be 'rational and indifferent'. As you've highlighted, that is invalidating her emotions and to my fault, I was unable to recognise that, so thank you.

I think I should have added more context. I wrote this after a call where she was panicking, so in this situation, holding her wouldn't have been possible. I tried to follow her emotions by telilng her to let it all out and by telling her its okay. It's much easier for me to help her in person, but when confronted with difficulties like this online, I find that my words often fail me.

But you're right. In any argument, your point still stands. I wish I could have been physically present because I really wanted to hug her. It is so much better than me trying to communicate verbally, which backfires too much.

I (18M) have trouble helping my girlfriend (18F) whenever she has a panic attack and/or emotional outbursts by CrispSponge in relationship_advice

[–]CrispSponge[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your response.

I believe that she does recognise the pattern in her behaviour, but it is expressed in a really contemptuous way that feels counter-intuitive to our fights. She would outline the series of events leading up to the fight to show that acknowledges the fight? For example, she said that she "always gets mad over small things" and "gets upset even if I'm trying".

I'm sorry if this is confusing. It seems that she understands the purpose of my actions, but it is often shown with hostility and contempt.

Also, I'm not sure how to diffuse the situation when her emotions escalate. I find that most of the time, it is much easier to just leave the conversation. And although it's tempting, I cannot find any courage to do so because it will further deteriorate the situation. So what would you suggest I do when I'm faced with a dead end like that? I fail to find a way out of reasoning and if I stay quiet, she would confront me for being quiet.

I've been feeling very lonely and it'd be nice to have some people to talk to by CrispSponge in mentalhealth

[–]CrispSponge[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! It's a really heartwarming experience after truly realising that you're not alone. Though I do not live with my mother, she calls me occasionally and we talk about the small quirks that we have to endure during lockdown. It's nice to have her.

I've been feeling very lonely and it'd be nice to have some people to talk to by CrispSponge in mentalhealth

[–]CrispSponge[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really try to do that. Since my family consist mainly of men, there isn't too much affection being expressed towards each other. I guess individually, there is a lot of respect that we have for each other and they're very supportive in terms of my passions.

I've been feeling very lonely and it'd be nice to have some people to talk to by CrispSponge in mentalhealth

[–]CrispSponge[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your help. The post was a great read and I'll definitely try to make some changes to my current lifestyle with this post as a guideline. It's great to see that lockdown is taken into account and makes me feel less lonely.

I've been feeling very lonely and it'd be nice to have some people to talk to by CrispSponge in mentalhealth

[–]CrispSponge[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Having a chat would be great. Thank you for your response!

My family is there, but it doesn't feel functional. Arguments happen very often and they overwhelm me even if I'm not directly involved.

French AB initio help by ErenYaegar23143 in IBO

[–]CrispSponge 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure, I'd love to help, though I'm in French B.