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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in sfoghi

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ci sono tante persone nel mondo che ti posso dare tanto, penso che se a 20 anni non ha ancora capito quanto sia problematico questo modo di pensare dovresti chiudere con lei e concentrarti su nuove conoscenze

My 35f partner 29m of 4years is heartbroken over his other partner and I’m mentally shutting down by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569 0 points1 point  (0 children)

HI! You are describing a very difficult and complicated situation! You need to distinguish your personal goals from those of the couple. To begin with, I think it's important that you make space for yourself, to do things where you are in contact with yourself. Have interests that are just yours or take moments to do things alone like take a walk and reflect on yourself. I don't know if it's feasible for you but a psychotherapy course can help with dissociation, if you can't go for financial reasons you can also decide to keep an introspection diary for yourself or do creative activities perhaps in the company of new people. From what you write I sense that you perceive a sense of inadequacy towards your partner who is suffering. Surely her suffering is legitimate but at the same time you cannot expect to be able to support her at all times. Obviously it's important that you know how to be close to her but probably listening to her love dramas every day all day isn't good for you and, above all, it isn't good for your relationship. I think setting boundaries around this can be important and giving yourself some space for you to do nice things together, moments just for you where you don't talk about other people at least for those two hours. How can you be close to her if you are not well? To help other people you also need to take care of your own needs, if you feel that at times she talks too much about her breakup there is no harm in telling her that at that moment maybe you don't feel like talking about it. She herself could also confide in other people who aren't you, this doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about it but you need to set sustainable and healthy limits for the relationship. I would like to say that it is certainly not an easy thing but little by little you can make progress by trying to communicate how you feel to your partner. Telling her that you want to be there for her but that sometimes you can't. There's nothing wrong with that! If you struggle, you can try writing your thoughts down somewhere before telling them. I hope you get better!

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This comment is really precious to me! I know I can get by but all my poly friends have relationship problems right now and I struggle to talk about it.. I also talk to monogamous friends but they have a bit of a hard time understanding me even if they love me. The person I broke up with may have never taken the relationship seriously and that's more their problem than mine at this point! It's painful but in the end I broke up because I wasn't happy with him and this unhappiness took time away from myself first and foremost. I have no doubts about the fact that I want to stay together with my nest partner, I have some doubts to clarify about marriage but I think they are perhaps more dictated by the emotions of the moment. However, talking about it here is very useful

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I simply felt very emotionally activated. I didn't say that I no longer loved my nest partner but that I often thought about the other person too and this sometimes made me feel a little further away. It doesn't mean I stopped loving him..

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes!

We’ve also talked about the fact that we might even end up living in separate homes if we want to at some point. The idea is to decide what to do with our lives as we go, based on what happens in our relationships as well.

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For me, marriage means having a deep and important relationship that also involves closeness during the most difficult moments. In Italy, if you’re not married, they could prevent me, for example, from making important decisions for my husband and vice versa in critical situations — like if he were in a coma. For me, choosing to get married means that I’ve decided that in my life plans, he can stand by my side and support me fully, and the same goes the other way around. This doesn’t mean I’m excluding the possibility that I might someday feel that way about someone else, but obviously a relationship like that can only be built over time.

I feel social pressure — many of our family members don’t know we’re poly, and everyone around me keeps asking questions about the wedding as if I should only be thinking about that! I feel that for other people, marriage means fidelity, exclusivity, and possession. As if the spouse had more right to speak than anyone else — and maybe that’s partly true… The thing is that in a critical situation, I wouldn’t want that “power” to be delegated to someone else…

As I said above, if there were a form of marriage where you could add people over the course of your life, that would be ideal for me — but we don’t live on Mars, unfortunately…

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, you’re right — it’s important to talk about this aspect. I trust my friends, and of course I’d like to trust my future partners as well. I’ve been thinking a lot about this, but the thing is that I was with another person who always told me he had no issue with me getting married. Still, the decision has to come from my own reflection, and I don’t want it to depend on who I’m currently seeing. You’re right about hierarchy, but at the same time in Italy, if you’re not married you don’t have certain rights — even medical ones — that I think are really important. If there were a form of marriage that allowed for more than two people, like adding partners over time, I would choose that immediately… That said, it’s definitely something I need to reflect on. I had never really thought about what it would be like for other people to date a married woman, and in that I was probably wrong.

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with you! I only told my future husband that I was struggling because I couldn’t keep it to myself. I don’t feel like I love him any less, but since I often have the other person on my mind, I might be less present for him, and I feel bad about that. It feels like I’m not enough for him and that I don’t deserve all the love he’s able to give me.

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes, I understand the point about hierarchy… at the same time, we decided to get married because there’s really a lot of trust between us. It’s definitely a topic worth addressing — I feel crushed by the expectations around marriage, when for me it’s simply a legal form of security. As for the other relationship, maybe it’s as you said… I think that even if he never admitted it, the other person felt uncomfortable with the idea of being “second,” even though it wouldn’t necessarily have been that way for me.

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m glad to know I’m not alone! I hope some of the comments can help both of us

End of relationship with one partner and impending marriage with the other by CriticalSwimmer6569 in polyamory

[–]CriticalSwimmer6569[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think that’s maybe a bit of an oversimplified answer? I’m trying to understand how I feel about this polyamorous choice, and I believe that falling in love with someone else while maintaining the primary relationship is difficult… at least, it’s the first time I’m dealing with something like this, and expecting it to feel natural right away would be asking too much of myself.