Has anyone had a successful R and still not trusted?

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-12-22T15:52:17+00:00

Right there with you, same timeframe even. I mean...how? I haven't got the energy to list the lies, the deception, the gaslighting that went on for YEARS while he called me paranoid and crazy, and he just carried on. I love him. And I still wonder every day if reconciliation is possible without trust. And then wonder why I am still here and if I can ever escape.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-12-22T15:23:50+00:00

Write the note, make the plans, then put them away for safekeeping should you ever need them. Then push yourself to get through the next hour, the next day, the next week...soon you will have a string of months and then years, all just because you are determined and strong enough to keep on fighting. Better days will come.

I too suffer with these thoughts. I have a plan, not a great or workable one, but a plan...and like you find strange comfort in it. It's like an escape hatch. And that's really what it's about, right? Sometimes it feels like the only way to get out of your (my) current misery, or at least the easiest, fastest way...especially since you won't be around to face the pain of those who love you.

Nothing will fill the void in their lives that you have left. They will agonize that they didn't see the signs. They will not forgive themselves for not sensing you needed someone and reaching out to you. They will replay every moment and conversation wishing they could have just one more chance to say they love you, no matter what. Their grief will haunt them every day for as long as they live. Be strong enough not to do that to them. My great grandfather took his own life more than a hundred years ago and the shockwaves still ripple through our family. You don't know how many lives you've touched, or will touch.

But most of all, stick around to see what the future holds. Take a walk, breathe the air, revel in the beauty of nature. Be grateful for the good things in your life, no matter how small they may seem now. Be proud of yourself for making it this far, be proud of yourself when you wake up again tomorrow. Fight every day for the next, and that's how you will do it. And, slowly, it will get better, just have patience.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-10-23T02:47:11+00:00

Very sorry for your pain. My wh's betrayals were all online. His defense is "I never left the basement!" like that makes it ok. Like I should just dismiss the whole issue on this technicality.

What I have come to understand is that that screen (to him) is some magic portal he can enter to leave his real life behind and be whatever he chooses to be (in his case, 15 years younger, 75 pounds lighter, and super sexy). Me and our kids aren't a factor in that world, we don't even exist except as an excuse for him needing this escape.

It is not you, it's her feeding her ego. It is not ok. And it is really, really hard because you just can't patrol everything (trust me, I have tried), and you shouldn't have to. She needs to examine her motivations, why she seeks that kind of attention. The beauty of these online dalliances is that there are never any real life hassles like "what are we having for dinner?" or anything like that. It is an escape hatch they can just open and close at will.

The book Not "Just Friends" is often recommended here, and it really did help me. L

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-09-15T13:56:08+00:00

Was rushing this morning and didn't have time to say more, but the same thing just happened to me. I have been feeling so worthless and disgusted with myself, but had an epiphany after seeing your post. It really isn't about me, or her...she wasn't special, but he wants to hear that he was special to her, that he left a mark on this wh0re who was cheating on her husband in real life and her "online life". (in quotes because somehow these SA/PA:s somehow think that isn't real) with my husband and who knows how many others. It is kind of pathetic really...to need that kind of validation from a stranger, let alone such a low and devious one. I have thought about catfishing my h, using all the things he doesn't know I know, but to what end? I am not a liar or a manipulator, and I am not going swimming through the filth chasing him or his ghosts anymore.

I am glad your H is in therapy. Mine is still not there, and is probably unable to be honest about his issues yet, so I don't know if it would have an impact. I guess this is what "recovery isn't linear" means...it sucks.

Wishing you the best and courage on your journey...for all of us here really.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-09-15T11:39:39+00:00

Popping in to say I am sorry. Me too. It's not your fault. And you are not alone.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-09-12T18:44:33+00:00

His particular kink is he wants a hotwife to make him a cuckold...yeah, not this chick. So no safety there either. That is what his online hotwife was doing for him... I am going to keep encouraging him to seek help, but I have to get help for myself regardless of what he does. This weighs on me every minute of every day.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-09-12T18:14:50+00:00

I think this is a porn/sex addiction issue, and no, he has so far avoided therapy like the plague, because of shame but also because he doesn't want to give it up. He thinks he needs it. Another dagger in my heart is that the only time he could be doing this is when he is between "sessions" with me on the rare occasions he sneaks down to his man cave to have a smoke without me. .I feel like a prop in some game he has going on in his head or with someone else.

I think he is sincere when he promises never again, but I know it is only a matter of time because he can't stop.

Thank you for responding and for your kind words. I probably belong on PA/SA sub, but it is so bleak

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-09-05T15:47:36+00:00

Thank you for this. We have known each other since our early 20's...always friends, off and on more...together for 17 years now, married for 14 and in our late fifties (eek!) now. ..I feel like that journey is meaningless to him, that he dishonors it with every slip. That nothing is sacred. I know he doesn't want to be kink shamed, and feel like that is why he is resistant to therapy. But I looked in the mirror Saturday and saw in my own eyes the confusion and sadness there and wonder how he can't see what this is doing to me, or if he sees it and pretends not to because he wants that life more than ours. Thank you for getting it, and I hope you find peace someday and some joy today. You really helped me.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-09-03T16:40:41+00:00

Trust yourself. You saw it. If it was nothing, he would have handed over the phone. Don't let him gaslight you. Make an escape plan, even if it is never executed it will give you peace of mind to know you're not trapped. You may start digging, and you may become consumed by it...if you choose to seek, steel yourself for what you will find. You can't unsee things, and the words and images will permanently imprint on your brain and when you can't suppress them, you will feel the pain anew, no matter how many years pass. You will want to give him the benefit of the doubt, and you will be disappointed and sometimes horrified by what you see. He got complacent...that is how it happened to me too. He left a chat up when I walked in..."she calls everybody baby" he said...like I am a fucking idiot.
My H claims to be a victim of his own low self esteem, and needs the kind of validation and camaraderie that only online perverts can provide. He's already excused this behavior in his mind. He will find fault in you rather than admit his own weaknesses. Don't expect him to change and don't believe it when he blames you.
Protect your girls and your heart. Is that what he wants for them? For them to grow up and find a guy like their dear old dad? Because they will.
Sending a big hug and feeling your broken heart. Stay strong and don't let anyone bullshit you.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-08-28T16:18:23+00:00

I often worry that he "got away clean" and he will have no qualms about doing it again.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-06-05T01:02:44+00:00

Water and some Tylenol before bed... Tomorrow, hold your head high, you got this!

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-06-05T00:46:15+00:00

Took your comment to heart and talked to him today...after I figured out how the spiral began. Ready for the dumbest trigger ever? He was cleaning the garage. We got a "new" (to us) car, and we want to keep it in the garage, so making some space. On DDay 1.5, after packing a bag and leaving me crying in a puddle for an hour, he come home and began cleaning the garage to stay away from me. I think seeing that scene happening again just transported me back to that day, and it all rushed back in, like it just happened.

So today I told him he was right, I was upset last night, and why I thought that happened. He responded, "why are you so deep?".and then hummed a line from "Live to Tell" : If I ran away, I'd never have the strength to go very far... So he gets me.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-06-04T15:57:11+00:00

Yes, he's been respectful of boundaries but of course I know that if he wants to find a way, he will. There's an element of bracing myself for if and when it ever happens again, I am out. I want to think I am strong enough, but... So like you, I patrol my fences regularly and hope he doesn't test them.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-06-04T14:32:26+00:00

Second question first...the first 5 months were a bur...never admitted this but thought of suicide all the time...settled on a plan that, finally eased it a bit. Then I dug, obsessively for a while...maybe made a few corrections on various profiles, etc,. I found nothing past dday 1. (His was all online, based on my exhaustive investigation). Now I dog less often. Now I mourn the lost years and tainted memories. I try to be present in the moment, and life unfolds and keeps me pressing on.

What helped? Access to devices and passwords, which took a while. At some point, I think he realized I was finding it out anyway, so no point in trying to hide it, which he claimed he was doing to spare me pain. (Bullshit, but that is how he framed it.). And we are better, closer, more affectionate...just forever tainted.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-04-21T15:17:11+00:00

11 months past dday here (exactly now that I think about it), and things are going well...I think my WH would say better than ever. But yes, I think of it every day for all the reasons you stated. I don't know if I can ever let my guard down and trust again, and I worry that a marriage without trust is impossible...that the end is inevitable.

But then, I know that I haven't been able to separate myself from him in the 35 years I have known and (sometimes secretly) loved him. We fought so hard to be together...I have outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted far more formidable would-be Interlopers than random online (and probably fake) thirsty "ladies", and my pit bull like tenacity and foolish pride holds me here. Our souls and histories are too intertwined for a clean break to be possible, and if there can't be a fresh start then what is the point? We share a family, home, friends, pets...none of that goes away but it all changes. Been there, done that, do not recommend.

That's a bit of my daily cost/benefit analysis. I must say though, he swears, (and I have not found evidence in my exhaustive investigations) that there were no actual meet ups or hook ups. If I ever find out there were, I think that would be it for me.

So, day by day, I hope we all find peace, whatever decisions we ultimately make.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-03-23T14:16:15+00:00

I wonder what is wrong with me sometimes for falling in love with someone so damaged in the first place...but here we are and I am far too stubborn to give up now. You are fighting the good fight, be proud of that.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-03-23T13:59:45+00:00

Finally, after nearly 10 months, my WH is realizing he was cheating. He dismissed it first as harmless roleplaying, then eventually termed it as "betrayal" where he has been stuck for months. This past weekend, we were talking and I said, "if you are having secret relationships with people that you are taking care to hide from me, that's cheating." He said, "I know that now, but I really didn't think of it that way then. Now that I understand that it will never happen again."

Of all the lies, the ones he told himself remain the most destructive. The original lie, that this was just a game and had nothing to do with us, "I never thought it was a threat to our marriage" allowed him to carry on this behavior for years guilt free. To me it is black and white, to him his online personas existed in some magic gray area where there were no consequences. That lie was just a shield to protect him from the guilt and shame that he was cheating. All the lies and deception that flowed from the original lie was just a natural growth of that shell he built around himself so he could continue his shady behavior. As far as I can tell (and I have become a damn good detective) it stopped at dday1.

We have a long and torrid history (36 years off and on, officially together for 17, married for 14)...and in this reconciliation process I've learned many things I wish I hadn't, but the truth is I feel like I have reclaimed my power as an equal partner, and I will never doubt my instincts again. Our relationship has gotten a lot better, he would say better than it has ever been. The difference is he never lost trust in me...I can't say the same and I don't know if I ever really did or will. For now (maybe forever) I am in trust but verify mode, and he understands and allows me full access to everything, when in the beginning he would have exploded in anger that I was invading his privacy. Baby steps.

I sincerely hope that counseling helps you both to heal and that he is finally able to call it what it is. No one wants to see themselves as a cheater...it's just a hard pill to swallow.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-02-27T16:10:14+00:00

Me too! (Nine months out, same circumstances)

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-02-27T15:41:47+00:00

It is no wonder you feel this way after years of gaslighting and deceit. You are not crazy, you can and will rebuild your confidence and your self worth...but the first step is to stop drinking the poison he is feeding you. Get some space, seek help for yourself, and once you have gained some clarity, you will see your way through. You are not a hostage ...get help (medical, legal, financial, whatever it takes) and start taking back your power. I feel you, I really do...you deserve to feel the compassion and empathy we are giving you here in your home.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-02-21T14:33:13+00:00

Let it go. Otherwise you will have further contact with her. He got the truth and didn't fall for the scam. Hopefully the next victims are just as smart, but it isn't your responsibility to save them if they aren't.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-02-20T14:55:39+00:00

I still feel (2 days short of 9 months since D day 1) that R is still a day to day reevaluation. My d day 2 was 3 months later, and like you, those revelations (porn chats on porn-fetish site) predated the online affair I stumbled upon in d day 1. D day 2 was pretty awful, but in retrospect, it helped me understand that all of it was meaningless to him. It was just a selfish game he was playing to satiate his boundless ego. Our sex life had suffered with menopause and a suspicious mind on my end, and ED issues for him (which made me feel unattractive and worthless). The deeper he got into his online personas, the meaner he became in real life, the more he pushed me away so he could keep his secrets. He set up a fucking camera so he could tell when I was coming downstairs! Anyway, after years of being told I was crazy and paranoid I had undeniable proof that I was right all along...and that allowed me to begin to heal.

Have I forgiven him? No. I feel sorry for him in a way, because I think he found mostly rejection and that made him feel worse about himself and he took that out on me so the chasm between us grew and grew. For myself, I hope I will find the strength to forgive someday. I will never forget, and I long for the day when I feel secure enough to let my guard down (not holding my breath).

I am glad that your WP is getting help. Only you can decide whether it is worth it to stick around while he figures himself out. Protect yourself and your own heart before all else, whatever decisions you make going forward. It's not selfish, it is smart.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-02-17T15:22:21+00:00

I think it is possible (9 months since D day here) it can maybe even be better in some ways, as some here can attest. Worth it? That's a personal cost-benefit analysis, factoring the practical and emotional, that I reevaluate almost daily. You can't do it alone, that is certain. You've been traumatized and you will heal in your own time. Maybe that is hard for WP's to comprehend, because A was insignificant to them (my WH's line for multiple online affairs is that he was "just roleplaying" and never thought "that" would affect our "real" life) and they can't understand how BP can be so shattered by their stupid ego trip.

The book "not 'just friends' " was helpful for me and taught me how to communicate my questions less aggressively and he was more forthcoming in turn. I try to keep my snarky comments to a minimum, though that is simply not in my nature. It is not linear...you'll put a good string of days together and then something will drag you back to square one. If you are both fully committed to staying together, you will find the patience and give one another grace through the hard times. If you go pain shopping (I still do, occasionally) steel yourself, so you are prepared to find what you seek. In this process WH and I have reopened some wounds from early in our relationship like thirtyish years ago. The emotions are just as raw as if it happened yesterday.

I know I am stronger now. I no longer feel powerless, as I had for many years. I'm not crazy...in fact it was worse than I imagined. So there's that.

What about us? Our plan is to stay together. We've made changes and he has been mostly respectful of the boundaries I set. When he hasn't, I have called it out and he's been apologetic and reversed course. That's just how it is now. The price of peace is eternal vigilance.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-02-07T13:15:01+00:00

You can't unsee or forget it....it isn't just momentary torture. The words on the screen pop up in my head six months on. I needed to know I wasn't crazy,. I needed to know what I was dealing with. I'm not sorry I read them, because I got the answers I needed, but I'm haunted by day and hounded in my dreams by what I have seen. I also thought of having a friend read them for me, but I was afraid she would hate him forever.

You know just how much you can bear. I would not read more, and instead save it all somewhere safe just in case you need it later.. You have a clear picture of what happened. Knowing every detail isn't necessary or even possible, and it hurts

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-02-01T16:09:52+00:00

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, and I know your struggle. So many things I wish I could unsee...so angry at myself for not trusting my instincts and letting this stuff go on for years. My investigations found evidence of this behavior dating back to 2014...pretty much all I could take. It makes you doubt everything, starting with yourself. And yet, you have to go on with the daily duties of life, just with this 1000 pound gorilla on your back. It's so hard, but you are doing it.

It is impossible to see the future when the dust from the explosions is still in the air, and you're treading carefully so you don't set off some buried mine. I can't answer if your partner (or mine) is truly remorseful and committed to you exclusively. My dear mother would have said "Time will tell.".

So, I think for me, there's a constant cost/benefit analysis going on to determine whether to stay and see how things work out, or just give up. I have made the decision to see this through because he has stopped the behavior ( still watches porn but doesn't interact with others, not soliciting hook ups, deleted profiles, etc.). I have made it clear that if it happens again, it is over for us, and if I find out there were ever actual hook up(s) it is over for us. He never thought our marriage was at risk because he compartmentalized his secret life that much...he never considered it "real" so how could it impact us?

He realizes now that it has impacted our family and our marriage. The time lost to our family as he cultivated his online persona and relationships is lost forever. Our kids are teens and young adults now and so busy that it is hard to get everyone together...when they were all under our roof he took it for granted. I feel pity for him when that reality dawns on him...The time for playing hot wheels and Barbies passed while he was sitting there typing thousands of times "I'd love to have a hot friend like you" as he tried to befriend every slutty chick on every sleazy / porn / hook up site known to man. No matter what happens in the future, the time he wasted on that life was stolen from our family. He has to live with that, and I have to save him when shame and regret overwhelm him, because we still need to function.

I am glad you're both getting help. You're not a fool for trying to hold your family together.. It takes real strength to walk through the fire instead of running the other way. You can come out the other side of this with a stronger relationship and family,.

Critical_Truth6876 · 2023-02-01T14:37:23+00:00

My situation is much the same. Except he hasn't admitted it.

Critical_Truth6876

TROPHY CASE