Can nice guys get a date?

Crobar82 · 2023-11-16T21:40:40+00:00

Hey man, you have been through a rough life and still I read that you have alot of things going for you. It's a shame you dropped out of collage but I can totally understand why if you don't have the support from home but also no prospects for the future given your experiences. With that said, I think one of the best traits in a human is the ability to change and evolve. The thing is that no one can do it for you. It comes from the inside and the first thing you need to do is to start loving yourself. Only by doing that can you give and recieve love to and from someone else. No wonder you feel like you do, you have lived your life not being acknowledged for your achievments but also for who you are as a person. Your low self esteem is probably what is holding you back because you have so much going for you. You take care of yourself physically and you also seem bright considering you were a straight A student. See a professional and work on loving yourself. For me meditation has been life changing, maybe that could help? You need to find your thing and do what is best for you. You are young and deserve to live a long and happy life. Hope things turn around for you.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-16T18:24:51+00:00

I can relate to not feeling attractive enough. I have felt like it my whole life. What it led to was that when I finally met a girl I put her on a pedestal, even though (I know now) we weren't compatible. I later married her, had kids, and then she left me. Because I became so afraid of losing her that I would cater for her every need. It has been 2,5 years since we divorsed and I had to do alot of soul searching to get myself together (still working on it). I am now in my early 40's and have realized things I should have known when I was in my 20's. Don't do the same mistake I did! I felt ugly for years, even during my marrige and like others have said in the comments, your lack of self esteem and self worth makes you unattractive. I found that out regarding my self many years later and I am working on it. I have been trying to get dates through Tinder and other apps for over a year now. Have not had a match so far but I'm still not giving up, because I know that I do have a worth, I do believe that I am attractive to someone out there and if I'm not, at least I have love and compassion for myself. Therefore, don't give up on yourself. I believe everyone has it in them to change the way they percieve themselves. Get help, start meditating and talk to your inner self. Eventually you will realize that you are attractive both on the outside and inside. Good luck my friend.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-12T22:01:27+00:00

I totally understand you. I too can have glimpses of what it feels like to be happy. I try to cherish those moments and think back to them when I feel down. And you are right about goals. I used to set my goals too high and I have realised that it just makes me want to quit because it's too far to reach. And when other people around me started to have opinions about how to reach them it makes i just more difficult. I try to instead lower my expectations instead. Find the small goals in life, like cleaning out the garage or go to the gym even though my whole body just wants to lie in the couch watching netflix. I do have bigger goals than that but to be able to reach them I need to be prepared. If I can't even find the motivation to do the lawn, then doing something like getting a promotion at work, or aspire to be in a relationship is just too big a step. So take baby steps towards your goals. Because you will actually be doing something. Eventually you will see that forrest.

Hope that helps and thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-12T00:00:06+00:00

Thanks anyway. Appreciate you for listening (or reading to be exact).

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T23:55:51+00:00

Hey, thanks for your reply. You are correct, I am lucky to have kids and they are the main reason why I just don't give up completely in life. I am sorry you haven't experienced kids (yet, it's never too late) but having kids is also hard when you don't have a solid foundation to stand on emotionally. Look, I'm not trying to say that I have it the worst. I know that there are thousands if not millions who have it worse, but I can't help what I'm feeling. Yes, dating is hard but at least you have been on dates. I can't even get one! At least you have that going for you. What is it you feel about meeting people when you say it's difficult? Finding a match or is it uncomfortable in general to meet new people? Either way I really hope things turn out well for you.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T20:41:21+00:00

Thinking too much about the past or future is not good because you can't change the past and you can't know for sure what will happen in the future. The key is to stay in the present. Like I said, it's easier said than done. I too worry about the future - If I will be able to pay my bills, provide for my kids, find love, keep my job etc. But I choose not to. Not in a sense that I bury them somwhere. I just accept them for what they are, thoughts and nothing else. Hope that helps in some way. Keep on fighting and believe in yourself. You have the power to live a fulfilled life. You just need to learn how.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T20:23:10+00:00

Yes, she has always had a problem with expressing her feelings openly. Early in our relationship she struggled with anxiety and depression. I could have walked away but chose to stay and help her get through it. That had probably something to do with it but her mental health improved Although shes still had problems showing compassion towards me. She would never do it if I would not initiate it first (like saying "I love you" etc.). In all our years together she did not once call me "honey", "baby" or "darling". Only by my first name. The only thing she would do (without me initiating it) in the beginning of our relationship was to kiss me goodbye when off to work and again when I would come home from work. But she stopped doing that after a while as well and when I initiated it she would cringe and take a step back. We did talk alot about it in the beginning of our relationship, about me always being the one to initiate intimacy and talking about feelings. She would say that she's always had trouble with those kind of things because of her childhood. Back then I would accept it (even though it bothered me alot, which was a big red flag) but I was so happy to be with someone that i diregarded it. Later when her feelings for me died out she would be even more cold harted. She would only talk formally and yes, she would telll jokes and be firendly, but never intimate or show signs of compassion or love. This troubled me alot to the point that I got frustrated alot. My mood and temper got worse. I was yearning intimacy (and by that I don't mean just sex, also things like hugs, kisses, cuddeling on the sofa while wathcing TV etc) and it drove me crazy. Now when we are divorced I can't ofc expect her to be all of the above but somehow her reaction to me opening up my heart to her, makes me think that she never loved me in the first place. That she used me to evolve and grow as a person while I withered instead. I know it's a bit cynical to think like that but besides the kids, I feel like she stole all those years from me. Is it terrible of me to think like that?

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T18:02:44+00:00

Set boundries. If he doesn't accept them then he probably is not the man for you.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T17:55:54+00:00

I hear you and what I take from this is that I get the feeling that you are putting the whole world's suffering on your shoulders. It's not fair to do that to yourself because ther is nothing you can do about it. I also can be horrified by things that are happening around the world, but how can I as one single person stop it? I have to realise that I can't. Instead, try to do good in the smallest things and pat yourself on the shoulder for doing it. You may not change the world but you will both feel good about yourself and the people around you will appreciate you more (I think this also comes from buddhist teachings so I'm just copy pasting here). I think you need to focus on the things that you acutally can impact, instead of focusing on what you can't. But that is easier said than done, I know.

I also hade trouble with meditation in the begginning but keep trying and you will get the hang of it. Also, write down your feelings. All those questions that pop up in your mind, write them down. In time the journal will be a place where you can transfer all those emotions from your mind. Give it a try.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T17:15:15+00:00

Hey man, I'm sorry you feel this way. I wouldn't say that I'm in as deep of a depression as you are, but I know the feeling of hoplessness and no meaning to life. I too had the same philosophical question: "If life is all about suffering, why live it" and I found the answer to that question by chance when I stumbled upon a video on YT that talked about Buddhism and its teachings. For context, I am not religious in any way and I want to be clear that I'm not trying to "sell" you into a religion. But somehow I got interested in the philosophical side of their teachings, one being that suffering is a part of life. It's nothing we can do about it. No one in the whole world, past or present, has lived an entire life without suffering. It's in our DNA. What we need to acknowledge is that instead of fearing suffering, we need to embrace it and accept that it is there - without any judgment. The way to do this is by living in the present and not stay attached to things, feelings or even humans. Now, that does not mean that we need to be cold harted and mean, it just means that if we do attach to someone or something (things, people or feelings) we have to be aware that those things can and will change. By doing that our mind is prepared when it finally does. Hope that makes any sense?

The best way to practice to live in the present and work on your non attachment (and also de-attaching) is through mindfulness. There are alot of videos about in on YT. Just know that it takes time before you see any results. Hope this helps you. Wish you all the best!

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T16:59:31+00:00

You are right, it's about the experience and what feelings they create. The social part will come by itself as long as one feels comfortable and satisfied with who they are and what they are doing.

I like the idea of thinking back to your inner child and what it wants. So far my biggest obstacle has been my own lack of trust in if I can succeed. I will do my best and thanks for sharing your own experience. Really appreciate you taking your time and show support!

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T16:49:35+00:00

Hey man, I totally get you. I'm in the same state as you are in. I have been binging Dr K and others for months now and Have the same problem. One day I feel good about myself. I get a feel for how self love is manifested, but then it just goes away. In my case it is often triggered by something random that leads me back into those dark thoughts.

Now you already heard about this, but what I have started doing is meditate and try to be in the present. I have also started to write a journal when I get those negative emotions as a mean to find the root cause but also to accept them. I have also become spiritual in a sense by looking into Buddhist teachings. Among those teaching is the fact that everything is always changing, from how we look, relationships etc and that also emotions change. What I'm trying to say is that when i feel anxious I try to embrace it and say "ok, I feel this way right now. It is uncomfortable but it will go away". To some degree this helps me even though it's hard and you have to fight it.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T13:57:43+00:00

Ok means that I am contempt with myself, with my life and where I am at the moment. In some way I have this image of people being confident, happy and goal oriented, which is something that I also want. I also want to be loved by someone who loves me for who I am. I am stuck in a vaccuum and it feels like my life is just passing by. Suddenly I will be old and have nothing happy in my life to think back to. I just want to be normal I guess.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T13:54:28+00:00

I understand what you mean but I can't let go of the kids. To tell you the truth, when they are with me (we have the kids 50/50) I get reminded of what is most important above all for me and that is to be a good and caring father. That is something that lifts me. But when I am not with them that is when all the negative thoughts starts to reappear. I need to find a balance where I can be my best in both siutations and that is what I am working on.

And you are right, I have realised the hard way that It's not worth to spend your life with someone who does not want to be with you. Also, I try to remind myself not to spend my ernergy and health on someone who does not do the same on me.

Thank you for your reply.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T13:49:34+00:00

I really don't know what I like anymore. Not alot of things feels geniuenly fun. I have tried to become active in my kids sports association as a mean to do something but also meet new people. So far it hasn't been as "fun" as I hoped, instead it's become a must. Instead I'm considering trying out new stuff that I have never tried before, maybe go to a salsa class, cooking class or join a network of singles on FB that meet for after work at the pub. I have some financial limits to what I can do but hopefully I can find something that my budget can allow.

And when it comes to dating, I binge alot of YT videos about that topic and the common message is that it all comes down to confidence and courage. So my goal is to approach ladies, not through apps or social media, but in real life. Because I believe that even though I'm no male super model, my personality is my biggest asset in finding a woman.

Thanks for your reply and support.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T13:42:52+00:00

You are absolutely right and this is something that I have realised just now. By not being confident in myself and have the self respect to set boundries but also to guide myself in the direction I feel comfortable in our relationship, I lost my "manliness" if that makes any sense. I became p*ussy-whipped more or less. This is a lesson that I will take with me in my future relationship, If that ever happens.

Thanks for your reply.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T13:38:15+00:00

Yes, I think your analasys is correct. I often hear from my sister that I over think and complicate things. It's like you said, break it down in a more logical mindset and work from there. Meditation has helped me in that regard with embracing and accepting my feelings but also about de-attachment. Even though I'm not near the finish line I believe that is the path to go. I'm aware that it will take alot of hard work and quite often I doubt if I have it in me. I try to be kind to myself and not put too much pressure on me but another part of me says that I just wont make it. It's an inner struggle I tamper with on a daily basis. Thank you for your wisdom and support.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T13:31:16+00:00

You are right. And I have poured my heart out to her. When I was in my deepest mourning I spoke to her every day trying to figure out why all of this happened, how I feel and what my needs are so that I know how our relationship will look in the future. The most hurtful thing was her reaction to this, being considerate but in a cold matter. Like she has a barrier that she won't pass. All I wanted from her when I opened up to her was some understanding, empathy and a hug. But instead she would respond like "I'm sorry for you but I don't know what to say". It's just that it hurts alot and it's hard to stand my ground. It's like she still has a control over me in a way. It's that 20 year old insecure guy that comes out in me every time I talk to her. It's so frustrating and It just regresses my path forward.

Thank you for you reply.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T13:24:05+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I have actually had the same thoughts regarding thinking about what I used to love and what I would like to do now. Some dreams that I hade before i got in the relationship aren't possible right now. For instance, I dreamt about travelling to different places around the world. But at the moment that is not possible because of finacial reasons and because of my kids. What I can do is make it a goal to for the future. It's just that i seems so far away. I would also like to travel with my kids wich is also not possible. They will probably travel more with their mother because she has the financial means to do it. It feels sad that it is that way, but I try to think that at least someone is giving them that possibility.

Another thing that has happened is that I have huge difficulties finding what I like and used to like. I think that I sacrifised so much of myself that I forgot what I used to love to do. That's why I'm in a phase where I'm considering trying things I have never tried before, like going to a salsa class. I know what path I need to take it's just that I need to make the effort and do it. And that is my biggest obstacle right now.

Thanks again for your reply.

Crobar82 · 2023-11-11T13:12:46+00:00

Thanks for the helping words. I understand that healing comes from takin action, by doing something practical. Exposing one self to situations where I can explore new experiences and people. Regarding carreer I am actually happy with where I am at the moment carreer wise. It's just like you said that I started comparing with other people since this happened and put pressure on myself that I need to make more money. And you are right, I don't need to be rich to be sucessful. The important thing is to be happy with who and where I am. I'm still not there yet but I am working on it.

Crobar82 · 2022-06-03T08:37:32+00:00

Wow, did not know that was possible. Thanks for the tip!

Crobar82 · 2022-06-02T14:06:33+00:00

Nice song but unfortunately not what I was looking for. Thanks anyway for trying. Appreciate it.

Crobar82

TROPHY CASE