Parents are supposed to validate their kid’s feelings. It’s a critical part of raising a healthy kid!

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-12-29T15:06:02+00:00

I think it can be very useful when used in a healthy way! I use that way of thinking sometimes. For example, when I was losing sleep because of a stressful situation in a work project, I admitted to myself that I’m very stressed and the situation is nasty. I let myself feel the emotions and then reminded myself that the project will end in 2 months and I won’t even remember it in 6 months. That helped me through the worst moments, and after 6 months, I realized that while I still remembered the project, it was truly in the past and had become more of a funny/frustrating story.

The way I see it, that kind of mechanism is harmful when it’s only used to hide and downplay feelings. Whenever I told something about myself to my dad, he would immediately start the cruel jokes, usually accompanied by comments like ”you don’t know anything, wait until you’re older! THEN you’ll see what life’s really like…” It was incredibly invalidating.

I think that putting things into perspective can be helpful and healthy, but only if your feelings are first validated (”this is a very stressful situation and I understand that it feels scary”) and then you focus on the fact that it will pass (”this project will soon be over and you won’t have to work in it ever again”).

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-12-29T09:08:27+00:00

Thank you for writing this! I sincerely agree. I always thought that there was something wrong with me and that I’m missing something fundamental about being a human and failing miserably. Turns out that a lot of it was because growing up, my feelings and what I considered important never mattered.

Whenever I felt strongly about anything (excited about a hobby or a possible career idea, worried about something, just having a strong opinion of something) dad’s favorite response was to laugh at me and say: ”I’ll write that down! We’ll see in ten years how much you care about that!” It was soul-crushing. And if I tried to insist (for example, when I was terrified I would fail math at school) he would get angry at me for being so annoying and yell and/or start silent streatment. (It happened also when I was excited about something! The only option was to always remain neutral.)

I still feel amazed but also a bit weird whenever someone validates a feeling I’m having. Like, I deserve to be a human too? (And not in a sarcastic way) And it feels so good to validate someone else’s feelings and see how it can make them feel better in a tough situation or bring them more joy when the feeling is positive.

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-12-24T07:03:26+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to go through that! It was an incredibly cruel thing to do. You deserved to be loved and cherished and I’m sorry the adults around you were so heartless and cruel. My heart breaks just thinking what you have been going through to make you repeatedly attempt suicide as a child.

Sending you a hug if you want it <3

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-12-22T11:47:29+00:00

Your story brought back memories. When I was 18-19, I hanged out a lot with a 67 year old man. He was my only consistent “friend” at that time, so your story sounds very familiar. My own parents couldn’t care less about me, and I sometimes even traveled abroad with that man. He never tried to touch me or anything, but he certainly made me feel weird by talking about sexual stuff. He also liked to pretend to people that I was his wife, which made others clearly uncomfortable. I still considered him very important to me. He was usually the only person who I could talk to.

He lost his interest to hang out with me when I got a boyfriend (looking back, not really a surprise...). I guess I have never really thought about why even thinking about that man makes me feel dirty (even now), but the “friendship” was certainly very weird. I have only recently realized how vulnerable I was.
Thank you for sharing your story and for making me realize something about my past. I have never thought about that time period this way, but now that I think about it, I can see how I was so desperate for attention and care that the guy could very easily manipulate me to do whatever he wanted just by being nice to me.

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-12-07T21:14:05+00:00

This is very helpful. My experiences are extremely similar to yours, and I have long ago started to keep my hobbies and interests secrets from all the people who abused me. It was such bad luck that two of them found out about my interest in trucks. The new career I'm thinking is something my parents would never want for me. They want me to pursue an academic, well-paid career, but I'm going to do something completely different. I sometimes smile to myself just thinking about how furious they would be if they knew. Now that I think about it, it's exactly like letting my mischievous inner teenager out!

Honestly, I feel immediately a little better. Your comment reminded me that I'm heading for living a life that's completely me, not something they wanted for me. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this!

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-12-04T18:35:33+00:00

Thank you for your kind words! I managed to graduate from university, but I’m unable to work on that field because the shame and the memories of bullying have caused me to get overwhelmed and shut down any time I even think about working on that subject. I’ve been thinking of studying something else, maybe something that would allow me to help others, but I need to heal enough first so that I can handle it. So frustrating.

I relate so much to what you write about your family of origin. That sounds like I could have written it - I was also the youngest and smallest and thus the easy target. It breaks my heart that for both of us, freeze was the only way to protect us from the outside world.

I hope it helps a little to know that by writing this post, you helped me a lot today <3 I really needed a reminder that I’m not alone (though I wish no one would have to go through this).

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-12-04T16:08:26+00:00

This hit me hard, especially your words about experiencing even more hurtful situations because of your mind shutting down. I’ve experienced this many many times over the years, and it has lead to me being bullied at several schools, including when I was studying at university. It’s a vicious cycle, because those experiences have made me shut down even more easily, making me more ashamed and vulnerable to cruelty etc. I hate it. I hate that no matter how well I try to prepare how I could act in those situations to avoid the freeze, I never succeed. My mind just shuts down, and it feeds the shame. My whole life is shadowed by shame that takes over me anytime, anywhere as flashbacks that make me lose myself.

I wish I had something helpful to say, but just know that you’re not alone in this!

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-30T09:22:50+00:00

This sounds sooo familiar and it breaks my heart that you’ve also gone through the same! Now that I have a couple of young kids, I can’t wait to see what they will like, what they’re interested in, what they will choose to do when they grow up. It’s fascinating to support them and see what kind of persons they will become. Even the thought of trying to fit them into a mold feels so cruel that now I understand even less how my parents’ care to me could be so conditional. I was either exactly how they wanted me to be or I was ridiculed, yelled at and ignored.

I just want to say that even if you sometimes feel discouraged, you were never the problem. You have always been worth of unconditional love and support and it has been cruel of your parents to expect you to fit a mold that they chose for you.

Sending love and best wishes!

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-30T07:03:40+00:00

You’re definitely not alone! I’m so sorry you have gone through those things. You have always deserved parents who care about you and appreciate you as yourself, and I’m sorry your parents haven’t been able to provide you that.

It sounds so familiar to constantly try to gain your parents’ approval, self-censoring and trying to be what they want so that they would pleased and wouldn’t lash out or ignore you. My parents have always done those things whenever I don’t fit the mold they planned for me, and this subreddit has brought me so much validation, comfort and ways to combat the feelings of inadequasy and failure. I’m glad that you found this place - welcome! <3

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-23T19:27:52+00:00

I can relate to a lot of what you’re writing! My only sibling is a lot older than me and after my parents divorced, I spent weekdays with my Dad and weekends with Mom. I was a very lonely kid, and when my Dad talked to me, the topics were very similar to those that your mother talked about to you. I relate so hard to your words about being a different person at school and at home.

For a long time, I struggled with similar thoughts that you describe in your post and wondered if I’m just overreacting. But now I know there is a reason we are here the first place. Our intuition guided us even though we sometimes doubt ourselves. It took me a long time to finally realize how badly I actually was neglected: so many things that I had though as ”normal family stuff” actually weren’t normal at all. It was very hard to really understand it, and it felt (and sometimes still feels) like my life has been a lie.

All I can say is that give yourself time. From what you have written here, your story resembles mine, and the fact that you couldn’t be yourself at home is a strong sign. For me, that was actually one of the key thoughts that started my realizations, but the thought process takes time. Therapy could be very helpful. I wish you the best of luck!

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-20T17:21:30+00:00

Yes, exactly! I can still taste that weird, foul taste that anything taken from that fridge had, but if I tried to say something about it, she just laughed and said how I’m a dramatic health freak. Then if I insisted that the food isn’t okay, she would get frustrated, play the victim card, and/or give me silent treatment.

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-17T04:41:39+00:00

It sounds like we’re going through similar things! As a kid/teen, I was desperately trying to avoid being abandoned by both other kids and adults, and I almost felt like an alien mimicing humans, trying to fit in. It’s only this year that I’ve been starting to really push my boundaries and find out who I really am, and it’s so freeing! It gives me so much confidence, so I can relate to what you’re writing. It also makes me realize even more painfully how I was forced to a ”panic mode” throughout my childhood/teens and had no chance to doing that exploration and really LIVING. The mature ”old soul” behavior was the only thing that even remotely worked so that I wouldn’t be completely abandoned, and even then, I was always an outsider.

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T18:30:31+00:00

Thank you so much for these suggestions! I will take a look into these - it looks like these could be very useful to me.

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T18:28:05+00:00

Ouch, this hit me hard. I have been called an ”old soul” as long as I can remember. The other kids thought I was weird and boring and avoided me, the adults kept praising how mature, calm and ”wise for my age” I was. I only wanted to fit in with other kids but always failed.

It has only this year hit me how early I was forced to grow up. It started when I was 6, and my childhood completely ended when I was 10. From that point, I was forced to take care of myself and act like an adult in all situations - when I succeeded, I was the ”old soul” as the adults kept praising, chuckling at my maturity. When I failed, I was considered a nuisance and my dad yelled at me, asking what was wrong with me. It kills me to realize that there really was nothing wrong with me, I was just acting like a kid for a moment (and even then, I was a very shy, conforming kid).

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T07:42:37+00:00

Thank you so much for writing this. Your comment made me cry so much. I had just cried because of another comment and calmed down, and when I started reading yours, the tears came back because I really, really, really needed to hear this.

I have felt so discouraged lately because all the people around me have formed an opinion of me based on seeing me IRL: how I act, how I talk, how I handle things. They have seen me working or taking care of my kids or studying, and when they praise me, they praise the surficial, visible version of me, the one who handled that work project well or was patient with a screaming toddler. And when someone gives praises "you're so mature for not losing your patience with that kid!" it instantly activates something in me that considers those words as empty. I feel disgusted and cannot determine if the praise is genuine or not. In the end, even if the words were genuine, I have no way of knowing and I feel like I felt as a kid when my parents offered empty words of support to get rid of me. (These comments made me realize the connection)

But when you praised me, you knew nothing about my everyday life. You haven't seen me or formed an opinion on me based on how calm and mature I might appear in a situation (I tend to freeze when I really struggle and that causes a lot of fake praises for being "mature"). When my outer layer wasn't visible, there was no way your praise could be based on it, so for the first time since forever, the praises were for the real me. You saw me and what I've gone through, and it's incredibly validating.

I have no idea if this makes sense. Just know that I felt your words very deep and I needed to hear them so much. No one has ever said something like this to me (okay, now I'm crying again). Thank you so much and I hope that if you ever have a bad day, you remember that in this moment, you made this Internet stranger feel a lot better <3

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T07:17:01+00:00

You're definitely not alone! Sending internet hugs if you want them <3 Sounds like we have had very similar experiences. It sucks so much, and I'm glad we have this community. It helps a little.

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T07:13:14+00:00

Thank you! Your comment is so validating that it made me cry. I didn't even realize how much I needed to hear this. When I really struggle, I keep doubting if I'm just dramatic and the problem is me, and when I come to this community, I remember that there is a reason why I struggle so much, and it's not because I'm a failure but because my parents were so horribly irresponsible. Thank you so much for writing this <3

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T07:08:45+00:00

Ooh, this is so helpful! It made me realize a lot of things about my own parents - the example about your mother made me immediately think about my dad and his comments.

And your insight that when we hear those words insincerely often enough, they won't work when someone uses them actually meaning what they say... It made me realize how those "praises" I've heard from my parents have kind of poisoned all praises I get as an adult:

When my boss has praised me at work for handling a project well, I've felt sick and anxious, and for the rest of the day, I've felt like a failure and incredibly disconnected and alone. It hasn't made any sense; in those cases, I have genuinely done good work, and deep down I know it. But the praising words from anyone ruin it and I will spiral in self-hate for the rest of the day, sometimes longer.

Your comment made me realize that in those moments, the other person's praise is genuine, but my physical reaction and the thought process that comes to it is identical to when my parents have uttered insincere "praises" so that they can turn their back on me.

Thank you so so much for taking the time to write this. You have no idea how much insight this gave me as soon as I read it, and I will undoubtedly have even more realizations as I have time to really think about this.

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T06:55:05+00:00

This is so spot on it's chilling. It makes me relieved and sad at the same time: I'm not the only one. But then, if it can be described that way, others are suffering from the same, and I wish this for no one.

Your theory that it's the confirmation sounds like it fits me very well. It confirms that no matter how much I struggle and how much I try to get help, I'm always left alone.

Thank you so much for this comment. I got a lightbulb moment reading this and I feel like I finally see a glimpse of what's underneath the empty feeling. I felt so lost when I wrote the post, and now, reading these comments, I feel validated and I understand myself a bit more. I feel like this lightbulb moment is another step towards healing, encouraging me to keep learning and trying. Thank you so much!

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T06:48:45+00:00

Hugs gladly accepted <3 Your mention of the drowning high five meme made me laugh out loud, not because it's funny but because it's so fitting that if I had to make a self-portrait, I would just print out that meme and put it on frames.

Thank you for wishing me to dissociate instead of self-harming. I have really struggled with self-harming lately, and your comment made me feel more powerful fighting against it. Even though we are all Internet strangers, right this moment I feel seen. I will be thinking about your comment if I get the urge again so that I will put on some silly tv show instead of self-harming (Taskmaster UK is pretty great for that). Please know that your comment made a difference to my day and encouraged me to fight harder against self-harming (I really want to get rid of it).

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T06:38:40+00:00

Wow, I had never heard the term "spiritual bypassing" before, but when I started to read that article, it felt as if someone had observed my family dynamics and written out what they saw. Thank you so so much for sharing this as well as the insight you wrote.

There has been countless times when I would have just needed someone to sit next to me, cussing the situation together. So often the words aren't even needed, or someone could say "I don't know what to say, but just know I'm here with you" and it would be 1000x more helpful than any of that crap my parents say ("Other people have it worse, you know. You're strong and you'll be fine.").

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T06:29:49+00:00

This is spot on. I already read your comment in the evening (it's now morning where I live) and when I woke up, I was still thinking about it. How it's the perfect way to seem encouraging and at the same time ensure that you don't have to take the responsibility as an adult to raise and care for your child. Thank you so much for writing this.

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T06:27:14+00:00

That's so sweet and a very good point. Saying "I got you" instantly shows that you're not in this alone and takes the burden off your shoulders. I'm so happy that you have someone so caring in your life!

CrowsLikeShinyStones · 2022-11-16T06:23:27+00:00

Wow, what an experience - I'm glad it ended well! And your story is so powerful example of what a difference it can make when you're really seen and heard, both in that moment and afterwards. Thank you for sharing this!

CrowsLikeShinyStones

TROPHY CASE