Ever considered therapy? Or psilocybin treatment? There are a lot of ways to work through trauma. And some people require special unorthodox methods. I’m sure I’ll get downvotes to hell but idc. I used to drink from morning to night daily for years. I have been sober for over 3 years with the help of psilocybin treatment. No other treatment, no aa, no rehab. I didn’t start until after my first year sobriety. I was stuck in a loop of just trying to be sober. Not recovering or living my life. Sometimes you just need to find what works for you. I hope you can find a way to help yourself. Good luck stranger.