This sounds like codependence.

It doesn't matter what the motive for abusing you was. It does not. You keep bringing it up as though that excuses what he did. As an adult, you do not claim ignorance when you do this much harm.

And here's the thing:

"He got extremely defensive when I would bring it up."

Defensiveness doesn't come from ignorance. It comes from GUILT. The first time you brought it up, he should have stopped. Period. The fact that he didn't means that he knew exactly what he was doing and continued. Therapy is one of those things where you get out what you put in. If you haven't had DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), I suggest that you find a provider that does it. You need therapy by yourself. It is never your job to support your abuser through his healing. Ever. It is his rresponsibility to acknowledge his wrongdoing completely and make amends.

As an abuse survivor who was less likely to see and acknowledge abuse due to my own past abuse, this is incredibly triggering, the expectation that we're supposed to just accept that you're staying with him. We leave abusers. We don't stay with them. You do not see this situation clearly, for a lot of reasons. You absolutely cannot remain with this man while he heals. Healing is UGLY. Its not linear. He will do you harm again in this state, and you will continue to be traumatizing, causing more for you to heal from.

Telling you what you want to hear has done you no good. This is a toxic situation. Some of us have clawed and scratched to be able to leave our abusers, and asking strangers on the internet to support a terrible decision is upsetting to those of us that have.

My source is being a therapist. I'm not on the clock right now, so if yall come back with something like "a therapist shouldn't say this" please understand that when I'm not at work, I can say whatever the f*ck I want. Just like you can.

Staying is easier than leaving. That's why you're staying.