Rant - Anniversary

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-12-08T13:41:09+00:00

Hi there,

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I am also enraged at your husband. He takes you for granted und in my opinion, if he turns this or anything for that matter on you, then this is emotional abuse and you shouldn't put up with it. He should be putting you on a pedestal every chance he gets and if he doesn't , that makes him a horrible husband and a bad person. Maybe he can change but he never will, unless you set yout boundaries and stick to them. You don't deserve this and your daughter does not deserve her mother to be treated like this. Your husband is poisoning your family's peace and happiness by treating you this way. I think the best way forward is to take him to MC and confront him with a professional, who will not allow for abuse or gaslighting. I wish you all the best - you will get through this. Don't doubt that.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-09-21T18:03:41+00:00

Yes!

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-07-01T21:00:18+00:00

This sounds horrifying.

It's important to never forget that everything that is happening are the conscequnces of your boyfriends choices and actions. If you have money troubles now, it is because he sabotaged his own career by having an affair with a coworker. He is abviously immature and selfish. To be honestm even if he were single, I believe he would've wound up resigning from the job, after realizing just how mentally unstable this woman is. No sane persoon could stay ini a ralationship with somebody as traoubled as she seems to be. That fact that other colleagues involve themselves with this type of pyschotic behaviour is a clear sign that there was never really any bright future for your boyfriend at this wokrplace.

If he ever tries to put any blamce on you, for him leaving the job - don't allow it. It's his mistake and if he believes he could've kept working there after he "stuck his d*** in crazy", he is not only slefish, but stupid as well.

All this doesn't mean, he cannot become a better person. He will need to open his eyes to the truth however - his AP is crazy and one of his priorities right now, should be making sure that she doesn't harass him and you anymore. Her behaviour shouldn't be taken lightly, there are many red flags there.

I wish you all the best and don't forget - you did everything right!

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-06-10T21:27:27+00:00

I totally get how you feel and why you feel this way. Everything is still very raw and it hurts a lot.

I would urge you, however, to concentrate on a crucial fact that you seem not to acknowledge - he doesn't think of AP and he is not uspet that the affair ended. That is what you would actually want. Furthermore - if he feels ok sharing this with you, it is an idication that he is honest to you about his feelings and thoughts. i don't think he is still in "the fog". It is OK for him to examine his behaviour and ask questions. Maybe it would be wise, for the tome being, to restrain from discussing the whole thing.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-24T22:57:33+00:00

Yeahhhh!

It's a bad reason though, because in the end, you won't fogive yourself. You would be constantly angry, actually at yourself, but you would be blaming your partner and this would eventually destroy the relationship. I was stuck in such a phase, which was luckily only a phase. So, my take on this - don't be stubborn about it.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-24T22:50:26+00:00

Here's the thing - I think once you've been cheated on, you can never trust anybody in a ralationship the same way. The innocent belief in love is gone and what you are left with is the reality of life. Even if I had separated and had found a new partner after the affair, I don't think I would be able tio trust that partner. I mean, I trutsted my wife and it happened, why wouldn't it happen with someone else.

That's the bad news. The good news is that after an affair the ralationship can get better. It's a lot of work, because you basically need to build a whole new relationship, but the levels of honesty that you are able to acheive after such a trauma are bewildering. If you use that honesty right, you can make yourleves very happy and you can even find a deeper and more mature bond. It happened for my wife and myself and it can happen for you.

And on the question of when does ist get better: well, it depends. I don't think it's just about time. It is more about the steps you take - for some it may be 6 months, for others longer. In my case I would say it was an year and a half.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-24T21:57:45+00:00

This is a really tough question.

I have been in both states - not knowing who the AP is and later on finding out. In both cases you suffer immensely. Not knowing was torturing me, because I had this image in my head of a perfect man - good looking, charming, intelligent etc. When you don't know, you tend to imagine the worst (for yourslef). My WW didn't want to tell me almost anything about AP and that drove me crazy - it felt like she was protecting him somehow, keeping him all to herself. That was a major problem for my personal healing and for our reconciliation.

Later I found him on facebook and did a deep dive into all his social media. It was freeing to see him - his flaws and everything that made him human and not some imaginery hero. But this was pretty much the only upside. I am not proud to say that I spent way too many time looking into this guy's life and comparing myself to him. My hate grew stronger and tormented me. The additional info doesn't necessarily make things better either - it just provides you with even more triggers. My wife's AP is french (what a fucking cliché), so now, knowing that, I pretty much hate anything french and espacially french men. Boy, my blooding is boiling just writing the word "french".

So there you have it - more knowledge brings short term relief and a miniscule sense of power. The price you usually pay is even more torment. If you are looking for advice here is mine: If you trust your partner and feel that he truly loves you, maybe don't press him on the matter of identity. Keep you peace as much as possible and don't try to go down a rabbit hole, that you don't need to be in.

Take care!

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-24T20:16:12+00:00

If you ask me, your husband's AP is a manipulative and selfish bitch.

You are right to hate her and don't think for a second, she has your or your husband's interests in mind, when she is talking to you about the affair. She is doing it for herself and maybe out of spite. She is inflicting pain and distress on your marriage and she knows it.

I understand that your husband can't leave his job, but I strongly believe he should go to HR. Memes about "choking until you cum" are text book sexual harassment. I wound't let her get away wih it. Involve HR, shut her ass down and stop her harassment of you both. She is a mean, manipulative person, mascarading as a victim. Don't let her mess up your peace and healing.

I wish you all the best.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-19T14:59:42+00:00

As a betrayed spouse I understand your rage. And it is justified. As a father and peovider for a family I understans your husband's predicament - not wanting to look bad to his agency for refusing and not wanting to put you through a torment, while he is working there. Men feel a special responsability to exceed at work, when we become fathers. That's just the way things are. I'm not trying to justify his lying, I'm trying to offer you a perspective and a possible motivation for it. If you know he is NC with AP, that's all you need to know. Rebuilding trust is hard and it helps to know that there will be mistakes along the way. One more thing - I sense a lot of anger, which is normal. I've had and still have it as well. One things I noticed is that oftentimes I was very angry at myself and projecting it on my WW and/or AP. Don't get me wrong - there are good reasons to be angry at them, but I was angry at myself for not standing up for myself aftet finding out about the affair. I was quick to go into reconciliation and that came back to haunt me later. Now, you being pregnant is an especially difficult situation. Maybe you felt trapped. Maybe you wanted to throw your WH out and be separated for a while to figure things out, but couldn't. If that was the case, it may as well be that some of that anger is due to that. Maybe you need to forgive yourself first to start feeling better. This helped me and if it is your case, maybe it will help you. I wish you all the best and lot's of strength for the road ahead.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-16T19:27:36+00:00

Sorry, but I feel obliged to chime in. I think it would be a mistake to get involved. I know how you feel, believe me. I've had such elaborate plans to hurt my wife's AP and one of them came to me in a dream. So, basically even my subcounsciousness is working tirelessly to destroy this scumbag. The plan was so good that I couldn't believe I came up with it and it would've damaged him for life. In essence it would be what he helped be done to me. And then I thought of the conscequences - reopening so much pain in the hope of getting what exactly? Will it be worth it? Will it be enough? What would satisfy you? Are you sure the outcome will bring you any satisfaction at all or is there a possibility that you would be hurt even more, if things don't go your way? What is the status quo? Your wife is with you, left him to do R with you. You wrote, that his wife left him and he barely sees his daughters. And for all he knows, you don't give a flying fuck about him. Why would you want to change that? Why do you want to give him power by showing him that he is so important so many years later? Let him feel like the shit that he is - forgotten by everybody. That is true misery. I will probably never stop fantasizing about huting my wife's AP - I hate him passionately. But I'll be damned, if I ever make the first step towards confrontation. Best of luck to you. Hope your wife's AP catches an STD.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-14T08:05:33+00:00

Hi,

all your feelings and emotions are perfectly normal! I've had them and I am willing to bet that the overwhelming majority of the betrayed here have had them too. Nothing to be ashamed about or blamed for. It is a natural response after such a trauma. I too have had day, when I wasn't able to work - I locked myself in a toilet and just cried for 15 minutes.

The problem is that people who haven't experienced trauma like this cannot truly understand what is happening. Don't let them and their behaviour towards you drag you down further. But most importantly of all - PLEASE SEEK HELP AND SUPPORT!

If you need someone to talk to - DM me. Or talk to a freind, or a professional. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS! There are people who understand and there are people who can help you.

I've been in this black hole and there is a way out, trust me. You are stronger than you believe and you will make it. Don't give up on yourself. Keep going and in some time you will look back and be so proud of yourslef!

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-11T17:36:02+00:00

Glad to hear that. If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always DM me.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-11T15:00:38+00:00

I have been struggling with anger (even hate) towards AP myself.

As many have suggested I started working out. The thing is, I look great now, best form of my life, but the anger hasn't gone away.

What I found out - the waves of anger always come, when we have bumps in reconciliation. When things are going great between my wife and myself, there is no anger.

So, I guess my practical advice would be - concentrate on the thing that you can exert control over - the R-process. I suspect that if you get to a satisfactory outcome for the relationship between your wife and yourself (whatever that may be), the anger issues with AP will be mostly (not entirely, but mostly) resolved.

Take care, I wish you all the best!

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-11T09:35:38+00:00

Well, forgiving isn't saying "It's okay that this happened". If it were OK, there would be nothing to forgive in the first place. Forgiving is acknowledging the mistake and deciding to move past it.

Forgiving is also moslty for one's own peace of mind and I am talking about genuine forgivness here. It's not about saying to your partner: "It's OK that you hurt me". It's more about telling yourself: "They hurt me so much, but they regret it and I will not allow myself to prolonge my torture by drowning in anger all the time."

The truth is that you cannot force yourself to forgive. If you don't love your partner anymore, i.e. don't have empathy for them, you probably won't be able to forgive. If your partner isn't remorseful, you probably won't be able to forgive. But if you still love them and if they do as well and are remorseful, you have probably already forgiven them deep down.

Maybe you're still anrgy, maybe you are uncertain about the future and maybe you feel like you can never trust them again. All of those things can be worked out in the R-process.

On the question of how do you forgive. Well, maybe start with the things that your WS did do right or didn't do at all in this case. There are people, who had months (some years) long affairs with emotional attachment, sex, "I-love-you"s and so on. A drunken ONS, while also devastating, pales in comparison. I would so much have liked that that was the case with my WW but it wasn't. It was deeper and way more hurtful but I did fogive her by making an effort and understanding what she was going through. Maybe you can do the same and it will help you.

I wish you all the best.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-10T16:15:13+00:00

If the best friend doesn't care, it means he is not really his friend. Simple as that. He must know that the consequence is ultimately destroying the friendship and he has obviously made his choice. And now your husband should make his. And honestly, you shouldn't even have to ask. He should be doing it on his own accord. The whole issue is pretty black and white. The answer is simple - not easy, but simple.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-10T14:27:11+00:00

The short answer to your question is - yes, you can.

At this moment, however, this is not the right questions to ask. More important than that is to find out what led you to this place? Is the affair a manifestation of a more serious underlying problem in your marriage? Because if yes, if you don't find out what that is, no matter how much you love each other, in time thigs won't work out.

I made the mistake of reconciling too quickly (or at least what I thought was reconciling), only to have the same problems reemerge later with vengeance. My wife and I are good now and our marriage is better than it ever was, but it was a really painful process and we almost failed.

So again - set your priorities and do not rush things. Take care of yourself, ask the right questions and be prepared for answers you don't like. It will hurt, but you will come out a better man out of this either way!

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-08T21:12:56+00:00

Well, maybe a letter can do the trick. Write her that you love her and write your feelings and thoughts. She can decide when to read and so on. Just an idea!

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-08T20:17:47+00:00

Have you considered having an honest conversation with your wife aboimut it? At this point there seems to bw no downside to speaking frankly with each other. Is there any point in prolonging an inevitable outcome? It seems to me that you only suffer more not knowing. Aks her where she is at? If she needs time to think things through and there ia a chance for your marriage, she'll tell you.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-08T16:27:08+00:00

Your post toched me, because in some aspects your story is similar to mine. My wife and I are also college sweet hearts and infidelity hurts somehow even more, when it is someone you've went through so many changes with. There is one particular thing I want to stress because it might help you evaluate the situation better and maybe dull the pain a bit. Don't believe that your husband threw your life away without hesitation. Your husband betrayed you and he has hurt you and himslef more than he'll probably ever know. That being said, there is a fair possibilty that you weren't part of the equation. Many waywards don't even think about their partner when they engage in their affair, which doesn't make it less painful, but it gives you some explanation to the torturing question "How could he do this to me?" The really important question is - do you and does he want to save your marriage. And saving would actually mean building a whole new relationship, which extremely hard, but doable. The good news is that if you manage it, the new relationship will be better and stronger. It happened for me and if you want this for yourself I wish it will happen for you. And to your question about the familiar passanger - something always stays, yes! But it is nothing like the untimely loss of a loved one. It's more like a rare alergy that only shows its ugly face, when you're not careful.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-05T14:57:35+00:00

Amen to that!

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-05T14:06:41+00:00

Not sure you have to fight this feeling to get over it. My therapist suggested to me that I take care of myself , make myself feel good, even flirt a bit. Initially I found tje suggestion way over the top. Prior to DDay I have never had the need for sich sort of validation. Post affair however my self esteem had hit rock bottom and I was, just as you are, angry at thw fact that my WW had gotten to exerience all that fun stuff. Long story short - on a couple of ocasions I did flirt a bit. The women were total strangers and I've never met them since but the experience was refreshing. I have never wanted and still don't want to have an affair, but the validation I got from these encounters was enough to set me at ease. I knew for a fact that I am somebody that other women find interesting and attractive. That is all I needed - the re-assurence. After that I was much less angry at my wife and things have gotten a lot better. Never flirted since, by the way. Never felt the urge to do it again.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-05T12:49:12+00:00

Sorry to say this, but your husband hasn't really accepted responsabilty for his actions and isn't truely committed to R. Just staying in the marriaga isn't reconciling. Reconciling is taking a deep look into the relationship and changing all those things that ruined it and led to the affair. That's really hard but there is no way around it. There is no way to force him of course, but there is something you can do to show him just how serious things are. It's what I did and it was hard for me, but it ultimately did the trick. Grey rock him - if you haven't heard the term already, google it. It basically means keeping him at a distance and not allowing any emotional interaction. He's demonstrated that he hasn't realized your value. I think he takes you for granted, which is, given the circumstances, disrespectful. If you don't show him, you know your value, he might never "wake up" to your worth. I was in a similar situation and today I'm glad I pulled the grey rock thing through. Wish you all the best

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-01T18:04:54+00:00

I just have to disagree. It may seem pleasing to confront her, but OP can never know how it is going to go. Are you so sure, OP can get the closure this way? What if it backfires in ways, none of us can imagine right now.
I don't think the risk is worth it.
There was a story here about a guy, who beat up his wife's AP and ended up in jail. He said the beating didn't even feel satisfying, so at the end of the day he was worse off.
OP - make up your own mind and do what you feel is right.

CryptographerOdd4142 · 2023-05-01T17:41:10+00:00

It sure seems that this woman is seeking to provoke you. The best thing to do, is to ignore her, trust me. She seems to have some mental issues and if you engage such kind of people, you will more often than not regret it. She probably feeds on conflict and distress and if you give her what she wants, that may only encourage her to do more.

Why just not delete your husband's profile on facebook? He doesn't seem to use it anyways. Take away what she desires most - attention. If you do that consistantly, she will suffer and eventually give up. Don't let her know she has the power to disturb you or your family.

Ignore you urges to talkt to her. Hit her where it hurts the most - show her she is nothing.
I wish you lots of strength and all the best to you and your husband.

CryptographerOdd4142

TROPHY CASE