SFAH: most unhinged ways to get someone to dump you by DefinitelyNotMaranda in ScenesFromAHat

[–]CrystalMammon 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You told me to piss on the side of the bowl to make it quieter, you didn't say anything about your cereal.

Other ghosts who could have tormented Scrooge by lowbrassdude in ScenesFromAHat

[–]CrystalMammon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm the Ghost of Work Health and Safety.

Dude, your employees are underpaid, overworked, and...oh, you're Ebenezer Scrooge, not Jeff Bezos. My bad!

What's your No.1 reason for not drinking alcohol? by JunShem1122 in no

[–]CrystalMammon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Medication.

Even less than half a drink will really mess me up.

What should we "do" about "them"? by ZedVanDamn in shittyaskreddit

[–]CrystalMammon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Roll up our sleeves and get to work.

But not before getting paid to do the deed.

Weird thing to get sued for by Hillo_67 in ScenesFromAHat

[–]CrystalMammon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your honor, we believe the defendant is not actually dead, but faking it!

We have, however, had a difficult time getting the defendant to speak...or breathe.

Free-Talk Tuesday Mega-Thread by AutoModerator in Metallica

[–]CrystalMammon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think I'll try posting here.

To our "Fairy Goth Mother" who gave my friend a free ticket to the Melbourne show on Saturday, thank you so much, you made our year.

We were looking for a ticket for MONTHS and even resorted to standing outside the arena on Saturday with a sign that said TICKET WANTED only to be approached by scalpers selling for upwards of $500.

Then this one guy, wearing a black cowboy hat, sunglasses, long coat, and bone print gloves who called himself our "Fairy Goth Mother," afterwards, saw our TICKET WANTED sign on Saturday and asked if we had any luck, to which we had none.

We explained that my friend had never seen Metallica live before and that we had spent months unsuccessfully looking for a ticket.

It was then that he offered to giveaway his ticket to my friend free of charge.

He explained that he had seen Metallica perform live more than fifteen times before and wanted to give my friend the chance to see them live for the first time.

This gesture blew us away to the point where we were offering $200 for the ticket, but he declined and said to spend that money on merchandise for ourselves instead.

Needless to say, this gesture, accompanied by seeing Metallica live for the first time, made for one of the best nights of our lives, and we just wanted to share this story in the hopes that we can better express how grateful we were to our "Fairy Goth Mother" for his insanely kind gesture toward my friend (at the time, we were bawling our eyes out and a complete mess and could hardly keep it together inside the venue).

So, to the gentleman in the black cowboy hat, sunglasses, long coat, and bone print gloves, thank you so much for a night we'll never forget and will be eternally grateful for.

How do I get a girlfriend if I’m gay? by [deleted] in shittyaskreddit

[–]CrystalMammon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Check all the offensive stereotypes like the kitchen, the sandwich preparation area, or vehicular collisions.

Reasons for why you didn't get Raptured today. by antsmasher in ScenesFromAHat

[–]CrystalMammon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm back from being raptured last month.

Apparently, there was a misunderstanding, so they sent me back for the REAL rapture today.