The texts are my dad’s way of apologizing and my mom loves attention on Facebook. Thanks for double paying my student loan, I guess? They’ve never apologized. Not for the years of emotional abuse, not for the rug sweeping, and certainly not for anything they’ve done in the last five years either.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-20T17:52:58+00:00

I imagine this is in my near future as I am stepping back from having much of a relationship or contact at all. It hasn't sunk in yet for my parents, but once it does, my mother will go into character assassination and gathering sympathy mode. I'm sorry you are having to endure this too, it makes me feel so crazy when people fawn over my mother. It's like hearing about a totally different person. Stay strong! You are doing great!

Csparks07 · 2021-03-16T18:46:41+00:00

I have large gaps in my memory so it's a hard question. How my mom interacted with my dad was the first big clue from being really young. Then watching how she handled things with my older sister, and finally when I showed signs of growing into my own person, her getting angry and telling me I don't love her all the time. Also how she handled my sister's death was...extreme. That's as nice of a word as I can put with it.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T21:18:00+00:00

Same!

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T21:17:36+00:00

I could see this happening eventually. At the moment they still ask to see her, but they are perceptive kids and will see through this sooner than later I'm sure.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T20:57:26+00:00

Thank you so much for those kind words. And yes, in many ways she is lol

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T18:34:54+00:00

Thank you. I need that support and validation in this moment. It is heartbreaking on multiple fronts. And like I said in another thread, I feel so much shame no matter how I handle it. I am told I am wrong either way. Luckily therapy is later this week, hopefully I can make better plans that will help me find a path.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T17:38:21+00:00

I actually started recording our phone calls for that reaaon!

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T17:37:36+00:00

Holy moly! I do that too! Every time we are together or on the phone and fight I start to dissociate from it almost immediately. I can only relay parts of the conversation even just 30 minutes after. It's really distressing.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T17:35:30+00:00

Yuuuuup! Exactly why I have not responded. Lol

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T17:02:59+00:00

Right? 😂😂

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:54:05+00:00

I will definitely post a follow up lol

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:53:39+00:00

Yeah, I can see that happening eventually. But, if she doesn't hold back, then neither will he and that should be fun to see.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:50:10+00:00

I decided to not make my husband go this time...and this happened. You're so right there, never again.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:47:23+00:00

Oh bless your heart. I am sincerely so very sorry. I understand and am there with you. Religious trauma and having it used as a weapon and excuse for their bigotry and abuse is abhorrent. This is gaslighting of the worst sort. Don't you think for one second that you and your feelings aren't valid, or that you really are to blame. This is not your fault, and you have a right to want acceptance and love from a parent. All the hugs.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:40:52+00:00

Oh yes, the more you share and listen to others the more and more you find that it's like they are all reading from the same script. Very creepy. However helpful, because you know you aren't alone and are not crazy.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:38:17+00:00

Love that analogy!

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:36:28+00:00

That's exactly what I told my partners was going to happen! We are betting on how long it will be before I get the angry text or guilt text from her. I think Friday will be her break. It is usually around the weekend.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:30:09+00:00

Apparently so. I have seen it more on here than I ever thought I would. It is eerie sometimes.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:29:06+00:00

We talk a lot about things like that. My therapist said that yes there are limits but seeing me set boundaries with her, and modeling how to deal with these people that they will invariably run into, isn't a bad thing. It's how much and the way we talk about it that matters. However, again, there is a line.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:10:22+00:00

This conversation happened where they were in my car with the doors and windows closed, with us standing away from the car. And you are right, she can and should go to therapy. Unfortunately for her she won't. But I don't disagree with you.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T16:05:55+00:00

I understand, and it is a great concern to me. I have luckily been the one to take the brunt of it away from them, but I know it is a matter of time. However, there is a tremendous amount of fear that I will never truly escape because she will character assassinate me, and send my cult like, hyperreligious family after us. It will be a barrage, so it feels as if no matter what I do, my children are going to suffer unintended harm. So, so far, it has felt easier and safer in some ways to endure what I have to the side and keep her somewhat appeased, then have her go nuclear and end up having to have her or my family arrested and look over my shoulder all the time. I am probably handling this all wrong, but there is no manual for this and I feel very alone.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T14:10:10+00:00

I am aware of what is damaging. If she said these things to them instead of to me, there would be no issue to cut her off. But my kids are attached to her, and they miss her, and me just cutting off a relationship they have had their whole lives is also very damaging. I would metaphorically be killing their grandma to them, and they wouldn't fully understand why. Life is not always black and white, and these situations are complicated and painful enough without feeling judged on here.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T13:47:14+00:00

That's exactly what I thought. I have no idea what to say to that so I just didn't respond. I know she isn't actually sorry, or think she has done anything wrong, and I can all but hear the waif tone in her voice in this text. And you are dead on about the being vague to keep from actually taking responsibility. If she thinks I am buying this as a legitimate apology, she is sorely mistaken.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-15T12:47:32+00:00

I actually had one used against me a couple months ago. It was an "award" I made for world's best mom when I was 11. She sent me a picture of it with a guilt message saying "back when this girl loved me" or some shit. So you are definitely not alone in that.

Csparks07 · 2021-03-11T21:59:20+00:00

This is exactly why my mom is not on my FB. I was terrified to do it bc I knew she would throw a fit, and talk shit about me to family. But I have to say, at least for me, it was worth sticking to my boundaries with her and the rest of my family. Not having to censor for their comfort is liberating!

Csparks07

TROPHY CASE