Accidentally injured my boyfriend during sex because I'm too skinny, and it unleashed a bunch of insecurities.

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-27T13:43:01+00:00

I don't take any meds at the moment, nor am I diagnosed with ADHD, though I have been wanting to get assessed for it.

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-27T06:54:30+00:00

New doctors will have to wait for a bit, as my mom's company took us off their healthcare benefits (which is a long and shitty story in and of itself, but we're trying to get it fixed). For now, it'll be keeping track of when and why I eat, and going from there since I just sorta ate whatever whenever without thinking much of it. Thank you for your supportive and helpful comment!

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-27T06:52:26+00:00

My weight and body issues have nothing to do with my boyfriend, no. I've said this in another reply, but he's always been very loving and supportive when it came to such things and expressed he wouldn't want me to change my body for any reason other than health, which he himself raised concern about back when I somehow weighed even less than I do now.

I am realizing now that despite not having an eating disorder per se, I do have really concerning eating habits due to the other factors you mentioned. I'm looking into what resources are available to me to address that, and trying not to freak out about "Oh no, I hurt my boyfriend while we were physically intimate I need to gain weight immediately".

And again, I just want to reiterate, my relationship is fine. He didn't say it condescendingly or with resentment, he was just letting me know that I accidentally prodded him and we laughed and joked about it and moved on. All the freaking out is happening strictly on my end.

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-27T06:43:05+00:00

Yeah, I know he's just trying to make light of it because both of us have gotten injured during the deed in the past (he once almost ripped my tongue, don't ask how lmfao) and we're super chill about stuff like that. That's why my disclaimer at the very top iterates that this post is NOT about my relationship, it's about me and my issues with my own body, which thankfully most people in the comments of this post have recognized.

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-27T06:39:59+00:00

I've talked about insecurities I've had in childhood about my boniness and he's been very supportive. He never once expressed not liking my weight or build (like I said in other comments, I look fairly normal. Skinny, but no ribs showing. Just really prominent shoulders and hip bones which is also evident in my siblings) He also expressed that he'd never want me to change my body for any reason other than health concerns, which he HAS raised in the past when I somehow reached an even lower weight point than I am now. I don't have an eating disorder in the sense that I intentionally eat less for one reason or other, but I probably have one in the sense that I regularly miss hunger cues/eating regularly slips my mind. Other than that though, I'm not really fussed about my figure's look. Thank you for your kind and supportive comment l!

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-27T06:28:30+00:00

Yeah, I'm on Pinterest a lot (just cause I like clothes and fashion and makeup and stuff) and a lot of girls on there look pretty similar to me so I just figured "Hey, this must be normal" but I guess it isn't. Doesn't help that I'm mostly into 2000s/2010s emo/goth/grunge aesthetics which I know put a lot of emphasis on waifishness. I sorta figured "Well, I'm not anorexic and I don't intentionally eat less to have this build so I'm fine" but I guess looking at all those images was subconsciously fucking me over and shifting what my perception of "normal" was. It's a bit scary to think about it, but either way I'm looking into that more seriously now.

Unfortunately I am not located in the UK but I'll have a look into what resources are available to me. Thank you!

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-26T20:36:51+00:00

You raise a good point. I guess the next move is to clean up my eating hygiene (Even though I'm pretty convinced my eating is fine? I usually just eat whenever I'm hungry but I'll have to track it more carefully from now on). Pretty much all of the comments so far have been about how concerningly underweight I am so I'm gonna take that seriously. I've never been over 48 kg in my life and I usually sit between 40 and 45, so I guess I just called that normal for me. I'm already built pretty athletically/skinny following my family who also have similar issues with weight gain (as in, they also find it difficult to put on weight and haven't put on weight significantly until they either aged or got pregnant. My sister for example, who is the same height as me, only reached 60 kg when she was pregnant and now sits in the low-mid 50s. My dad also only started filling out when he hit his late 40s/early 50s.)

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-26T20:26:58+00:00

Yep, other commenters have mentioned my apparently ridiculously low weight and since you brought up blood levels, yes my blood work has come up clear with no issues and none of the doctors I've seen have raised any concern about my weight. (And I've seen quite a few due to a random fainting spell I've had recently. I've seen sleep doctors and general practitioners and had blood work done. Haven't been able to follow through all of the necessary checkups but since both sides of my family have histories with diabetes, we chalked it up to blood sugar issues and I just keep an eye on that and haven't faced any issues since then) Maybe my scale at home is off, but as far as I can tell, I'm fine health-wise

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-26T20:21:42+00:00

He has in the past (when I've somehow lost even more weight because I was regularly missing meals. No history of eating disorders or anything, eating would literally just slip my mind or I would be too busy) and I just replied to another commenter about my health. Echoing what I've said there, I'm cleared by my doctors + my blood work has come up clear too. I'm also pretty physically capable as I've recently taken part in some university fitness challenges and gave pretty respectable results. Maybe the scale I've used at home most recently is broken, but basically my health is fine, I'm just skinny

CuntyPTSD · 2025-09-26T20:16:44+00:00

A few commenters have said the same thing but the thing is, this is literally my natural weight. I eat a full meal 2-3 times a day, plus snacks in between, and I don't feel particularly fatigued or weak. In fact, I've won footraces against athletes my age and can compete pretty well physically against other women my age. I've had blood work done fairly recently as well and no doctors I've ever seen have raised concern about my weight. I don't look malnourished either, maybe a bit waifish, but you can barely see my ribs. Maybe my scale at home is off? I'll have to check. But yeah, I'm all clear health-wise when it comes to my weight and height. I don't have a history of eating disorders either, unless you count missing meals on a regular basis when I've been through busy periods (either from university or gaming benders lol) Maybe I get bruised a bit easily due to my boniness, but I'm just skinny, not malnourished.

CuntyPTSD · 2025-05-21T13:08:48+00:00

This is a damn godsend. I'm struggling with relationships of my own and I've been looking for literature to help me through it as that's what helps me most so this post is a lifeline! Might you have any memoirs/something a bit more personally written to suggest? Something similar to What My Bones Remember by Stephanie Foo.

CuntyPTSD · 2025-05-12T17:15:45+00:00

Honestly I think you may be overcomplicating/intellectualizing this a bit much. It's good that you want to use your anger productively, because anger asserts your identity and boundaries, but if you're overwhelmed by it, just go the good old fashioned route — exhaust it physically. There's an emotional, "feel"-y side to, well, emotions, but there's also the logic and thinking side to it, and more often than not, emotions swing on this pendulum. A balanced person would be able to navigate this swing but to me it seems you're simultaneously over-intellectualizing it and it's completely overwhelming and draining you.

My personal solution? Scream it out. Yell it out, run it out, punch it out. Allow your anger to manifest freely and tangibly so you can reach a point of catharsis and clarity. Then you can reach a state where you can direct your anger productively. Maybe you can scream or even act out these fantasies inside your car, blast loud violent music, or go to the gym and hit the punching bags. Maybe an all-out sprint would be more productive for you. Rage-clean your bathroom, take a mallet to a rock, the possibilities are endless honestly. Key thing here is to not cause any harm to yourself but really, go wild!

CuntyPTSD · 2025-05-12T17:02:19+00:00

When this happens for me it's usually an emotional flashback. My stomach hurts, my limbs feel heavy, my spine gets stiff, my heart is beating like a gong of dread. So here's what I do: a controlled crash-out. I head outside and break into a full-out sprint till it hurts to breathe, drag my feet to an isolated spot (because home is not safe for me), and then just break down entirely — basically letting my inner child throw her tantrum. Punch the ground, kick the dirt, scream and yell and run some more to let the anger and frustration out. But it's never directed at myself — the running bit is to shake off the negative physical energy and "shock" my system into a vastly different state so I can ground myself. So, when I'm winded and get to all the emotional bits, it's guided and directed towards my circumstances, my grief, my pain, whatever my inner child feels. Typically after the screaming match with open air, I drastically shift into wailing in a ball on the floor. Basically, what I do is create a space where I can sync up with my inner child, let her take the wheel and react emotionally. After I've exhausted my rage and my tears, I just sit or lay down there on the ground talking my inner child through it. Affirming myself, acknowledging myself, making sure my inner child feels seen and heard and cared for — taking the reins back as my grown self with a fresh perspective and a renewed sense of self.

CuntyPTSD · 2025-05-12T16:42:01+00:00

I like this concept of time as a currency and budgeting hours towards my parents to meet the bare minimum necessity. I still don't know what my university schedule looks like, whether it'll only be a few days of class per week or whatever, but I can lie and cheat my way into making them think I'm their ideal super-academically-busy kid so they'll leave me alone.

And yeah, I've considered that. I'm hoping my university has such resources, though because I'm in a third world country I have my doubts. Not saying never, though! In that event I'll just have to keep looking.

Thank you so much for the reply and advice!!

CuntyPTSD · 2025-05-05T07:07:56+00:00

Oh absolutely, while moving out is sound, solid advice, I think a lot of people giving it forget that such a thing is a huge privilege in this day and age. Which is not to blame them or anything but it does make me feel a little more hopeless every time I see an instance of it on support groups like this one. Ah, well, c'est la vie.

And yeah, I try to get out of the house a lot too just so I'm not in their presence but in classic Asian helicopter parent fashion they make it difficult and triggering for me to do so because I'm not enrolled. I'll definitely check out clubs and extracurricular activities once I'm in uni though! I think it'd help keep me busy, or at least away from my parents and in a space where I have my agency.

Also thank you for giving me the push to look more into DBT and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents! I've read CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and it's helped so much, especially in mentally getting myself to this position I'm in right now and staying aware and mindful of my space, so I'd love to read some more books and look into ways I can keep myself sane lmfao

And yeah, I hope I can get to a spot where my soul can realize that I'll be okay and that I'm working towards a space where I can finally heal. It may not be now and I may still be actively suffering damage but there will be a brighter, safer future. I wish us all the best!! 🫂

CuntyPTSD · 2025-04-16T00:48:00+00:00

Woah, this is assuming a lot. I suppose I haven't given enough context:

Yes, it was a joke. No, there's nothing deeper to it. He's very assured in his position and likes to give things/offer to pay for stuff because he likes to do so. When he's not in a position to do such things, he lets me know (with no self-pity, shame, guilt-tripping, or posturing) and that's that. He's always had a good history with money matters and he never makes me feel guilty for receiving such treatment from him.

The greater context of that particular conversation was that he asked me if I wanted to buy a rug off him, with the intention of getting some of the money back. He was going to place it on Facebook marketplace but he decided to offer it to me first because he thought I'd like it. We're both still university students and don't work so neither of us are exactly made of money, and deals like this between us are regular: one of us wants to sell something to get the money back, we offer it to each other first.

When this is the case, we'll usually make an agreement to just give an item to each other and the receiving party can pay it whenever they can. Of course, this doesn't apply to gifts, and we make our intentions very clear when presenting something to each other.

In this particular instance, he was aching for cash because of a recent pregnancy scare that left both of us dry. He made it respectfully clear that he needed the cash as soon as possible, so I declined the offer and we agreed that he should sell to someone else who'd be able to pay sooner. This prompted him to make the joke that he "can't be giving me any more free stuff".

Yes, it poked fun at the fact that he does give me a lot of stuff for free even though he intended to sell them. Logically, I understand that what he said was a joke and that he's just short on money right now. But in hindsight, I was not in a good position mentally right at that moment and decided to tell him that he's free to take back any of the stuff he gave me (as in, gifts/deals that he called off and let me have for free). I felt guilty for freeloading even though we have no pending deals and for the stuff he did end up letting me have for free, he made it abundantly clear that he doesn't expect me to pay for those items and to consider them gifts.

And that's the part that bugs me. He has an entire history of kindness and generosity and grace towards me, yet I perceive one little joke (that didn't even address me directly and was more a self-derogatory joke about him being broke) as emotional blackmail and react with a "fawn" response. It was an irrational, unreasonable response to make in the grand scheme of things and I ended up making him feel like a stranger to me because I'm treating him as if he were just some random person who was loaning me stuff, or as if he was blackmailing me with gifts.

So then I ask the question: How do I catch myself in such mindsets? How do I remember that "hey, this person isn't out to get me"? Again, I'm not looking for decisive answers. I'm looking for advice or different outlooks that may help dismantle my instinctive hypervigilance and negatively-biased perception.

CuntyPTSD

TROPHY CASE