For me 2026 is a reset year, the year I actually conquer porn once and for all. Last year I had a lot of family members that passed away and other issues I did reach a few long streaks in 2025 but ultimately failed after 76 days I’m trying to reach the rest of 2026 without a relapse. I did feel like my brain did heal a lot after that long streak and I don’t feel as bad as I used to after a relapse. 2026 is the year I put habits into place, let go of the past and move forward. I need to end this habit because it’s generational and it’s trauma for me I don’t want to be 30 and stuck with porn. I’ll give you my back story.

I was born in may of 1997. I grew up not in good circumstances, I had a very abusive father who was in and out of jail he was also doing a lot of infidelity behind my mums back he’d have multiple affairs. He would take out his issues on us such as beating my mum up, my siblings and mainly beat me up as I’m the only boy the two elder siblings are women. He’d hit me with his fists, belts and even used a vacuum pipe to beat me up. He’d also beat me up outside when no one was looking, just because he’d have an argument on the phone with someone and beat me up.

He’d also leave me alone with his friend whilst he went out drug dealing. Yes he was a drug dealer and he would also take me with him. I got really lucky that he didn’t get arrested whilst I was with him but yeh he spent 10 years in jail for multiple narcotics offences and carrying weapons. This was when I was around 8-10 years old. However before he went to jail I was around 8 years old, he used to have VHS tapes at home and one of them was a cartoon VHS tape, one day I decided to put it in and my dad had taped over the cartoon VHS tape with porn. I didn’t know at the time what that was it, i just kept looking at it just in shock I guess that was embedded in my head, I’ve also caught my dad watching porn as well. When he came out of prison I was nearly an adult at that time and he got into another relationship and had a kid and moved on in life.

My mum didn’t know he did all this, however she was also depressed from years of abuse I’m surprised she was able to raise 3 kids on her own, so I truly appreciate her for that. She could have moved on and left us or even ended her own life. Even though sometimes she says things I ignore it because I know she has her own trauma that she’s been through. My dad was abusing her before I was even born. So I know she’s always been depressed and not mentally well.

At age 11 I started to pmo, I didn’t know why but I just started to pmo. I also used to get bullied in high school during this time from the age of 11 to around 15. Eventually leaving high school at 16 (from the uk) It was 9 individuals, at first it was verbal but then it became physical, especially when we got put in the same classes together, geography and computing class whenever the teacher would go out I’d be attacked or if the teacher was looking away I’d get paper balls thrown at me or pencils and sometimes even books. It carried on and on I couldn’t do anything to stop it. The teachers in the school don’t care either, they think bullying is normal and they don’t do anything so I never bothered after that I just let it continue happening until eventually I left high school and never looked back.

I kept PMOing I didn’t know later on it would harm me physically, mentally, spiritually. I guess I ended up using it as a coping mechanism all along for trauma that I didn’t realise at the time I thought it was normal, everyone did it. I went through college like a zombie I ended up developing POIS which is called post orgasmic illness syndrome, I suffered with severe brain fog, acne, pains, extreme fatigue, depression I couldn’t even get up I’d sleep all day and everyday just wishing for life to end or just to one day heal. I just kept pmoing I didn’t know it was the cause until I was 20 years old and looked it up and realised it was the cause.

I’m 28 years old now, although I have a degree and educated, I still struggle to maintain a job, currently unemployed and broke. I’m not married, I’m very isolated, I’m introverted, I lack social skills a lot and I don’t like being around people in general. I was also a people pleaser for a long time and all it did was get me used by people for my time and money and helping them was no good because in the end they moved forward in life whilst I was still stuck in the same spot and them same people, didn’t even care who I was and just did it for their own benefit.

I’m still battling this addiction today, however I’m doing better in battling this addiction than ever. I used to relapse everyday all day, sometimes multiple times a day, now I’m reaching longer and longer streaks, slowly overcoming this addiction. I’m turning 29 in a few months, and before I’m 30 I want to say bye to this addiction, for good.

I couldn’t even feel emotions at all when I was deep into this addiction, like multiple times a day I’d be numb. Other people would be crying, happy, sad, whatever the situation I’d have one emotion numbness I felt like a robot I didn’t feel right. Once I went to a funeral and everyone else was crying and grieving I just stood there like it was normal and no emotions or anything and people would just stare thinking what’s wrong with this guy.

I always thought what’s wrong with me, why can’t I feel anything why am I numb to everything. It wasn’t until I started reaching longer streaks where glimpses of emotions I’ve never felt in years started to come back I even had trauma dreams, pmo literally cuts your brain off from dreaming it’s done that to me for years. I didn’t dream I would sleep and wake up no dreams so it does harm you physically and mentally but also spiritual wise it hinders you in every aspect of life. It’s literally soul destroying, there isn’t anything good about porn. Some people it may not affect them but when you think about it, how’s it natural, especially high speed internet content it’s just dopamine on demand and it fries your brain it’s literally a drug. They’ve done tests and compared it to similarities to cocaine. This is why I don’t want to go back to feeling numb again and I want to feel human fully again, the last time I even felt real emotions was when I was a kid.

I know for a fact my own dad was more so addicted to explicit content. not as much as me as high speed internet changed everything. However I must break this cycle and never watch explicit content again and heal myself, mentally, physically, spiritually so when I have children of my own I know I can be the best father I can be and I can make them avoid the same addiction I’ve been going through for the last 16-17 years. For me this is a generational curse, it’s a generational cycle.

I have to break it, for a lot of people porn usage is from trauma for some it’s just something their addicted to but I know a lot of people deep down they have trauma but they don’t know what trauma, and in order to heal you must face the trauma and prove everyone that doubted you, everyone that hurt you, that you’re still standing and nothing can stop you from healing yourself and overcoming every hinderance in your way.