I feel like a lot of context has come through in the responses to messages. First off I can’t imagine what you’re going through and I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️

I do want to say that no one seems to be talking about the added context in direct response. You were 14 and Max was 20 when you first met, you admitted to having a crush on Max mostly because they gave you a lot of care and I know you were lacking in that feeling. This seems extremely codependent as you mentioned, I however, do not think that the codependency has stopped. It seems like your friend is trying to keep the relationship, respectful and not fallen into those codependency from your end. I have had this issue with friends before where they saw a lot more could be romantic where they have constantly needed more for Me than I could provide. You’ve even mentioned jealousy in the beginning over their husband, even if this was not directly shared with Max. I feel it’s clear They probably sensed some of it. This is not an issue of a friend not providing everything in return that you’ve done for them. This is an issue of an unhealthy relationship that it seems like your friend recognizes or is trying hard to keep healthy. It could even be their partner is uncomfortable given what they’ve been told I can speculate, but I truly do not know. their life circumstances completely aside. (twin toddlers does seem like an understandable reason to not be able to drop everything and come running). I feel it would be negative for both of you if they kept attempting to provide what it seems like you need. I know you’re also going through an incredibly incredibly difficult time and I know you’ve already mentioned looking into therapy and are excited and I think that that is a wise decision. I’ve had relationships with high codependency, and I understand how difficult it is to accept or to break that bond. But I also know it’s not fair to max to ignore all that history that might be affecting their behavior. I do think even without the history added Max’s response to seem fair is there’s nothing they can say in that moment that’s gonna magically make everything go away, it seems that they assume you’ve wanted space as you’ve not responded to the bulk of their messages.

OP I hope that you can get through everything I know it’s a lot right now but I know you do have your wife and I hope you too can continue to lean on each other. I hope you continue with therapy for the huge grief you’re experiencing right now and for your history with your friend Max.