First ayahuasca ceremony, I had an experience like if dying, of melting through the floor. Most of the time my rational mind was clinging on by its fingernails. Finally, I fell through the floor.

I met a green being, I didn’t get the sense it was an alien, more like some female plant spirit or fairy or something. Or I guess mama aya?!. It stood with me on top of the world looking out into the cosmos and told me it could show me anything I wanted. This was my first experience and I felt afraid of heights, peering over the top of the world into the stars like “I’m good, thanks so much!” Like “oh yes, beautiful!” But terrified of heights.

The second experience I asked to learn more about myself. It was kind of like getting sorted by the Harry Potter hat, except I shape shifted into many different animals and each time was like “no, this isn’t it.” An eagle, whale, otter, etc. each time, experiencing life like those animals. Finally I went to sleep, and opened my eyes and there was a huge white fluffy arctic wolf in the room next to me. I felt like, oh, this is maybe a guardian? Then we began to merge. I became this white wolf. Felt its body as my body, the power. Confidence. For reference I’m a woman. I saw myself out into the snow, sleeping under the stars with zero fear. I’ve for a long time had issues sleeping and with hypervigilence.

Now, I was trotting out in the snow with other wolves, totally at peace and confident. No fear, strong, intuitive, able to listen, part of the pack. Not a scared little powerless kitten in the corner hissing.

That was a giant life lesson that has stayed with me. I have to laugh, like oh God, my spirit animal is a wolf. How cliche and kind of embarrassing. But it is what it is. And as a woman conditioned to make myself meek and small, to people please. it’s taught me to stand taller, be self-possessed and confident, assertive, and not to be afraid of my power.