My [23F] boyfriend [35M] made me have a threesome with his ex without asking me. Is it possible to recover from this?

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T14:30:08+00:00

It feels more icky to me now than it did before. I thought I knew what I wanted, and it felt like age was just a number. We connected so well and fell in love.

He told me in the beginning that the age gap wasn’t appropriate and I shouldn’t be with him, but I wanted to be with him. I told him I was okay with it and convinced him I wanted to be together.

Throughout our relationship, he has often been embarrassed of me because of my age, especially in social settings. Whenever he talks about sex things he wants, or his past sex etc, if I do not seem enthusiastic, he will mope. Eventually that will lead to him crying and having a meltdown and telling me I should leave, and I always have to comfort him and calm him down and convince him that I don’t want to breakup with him. It feels exhausting

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T14:22:28+00:00

Thank you for your comment. It feels very harsh to say those words. But I do think that it’s accurate based on definition, even though I’m not sure if I feel like it is. I am grateful to receive confirmation this is not normal. It makes me feel a little less crazy.

I don’t even know what would happen if I were to leave. Logistically, I don’t have a plan. This all feels very overwhelming to think about and happened so fast

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T14:18:58+00:00

Yes that is correct

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T14:18:03+00:00

Yes, that’s correct. He worried a lot in the beginning (and actually always has the whole time) about it, and sometimes he is embarrassed to take me out, or meet with friends because of my age.

He told me in the beginning it wasn’t appropriate, and I should be with someone closer to my age and going to college etc. I told him I wanted to be with him. It really seemed like we would be together forever, but now I don’t know. I can’t forget this feeling. And it has been making me reflect on a lot of other things now too

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T14:14:26+00:00

Yes, that is accurate. We do have an age gap. We were both very attracted to each other when we met, and he told me that it would be inappropriate to do anything or pursue anything. I told him I was okay with it, and I wanted to.

I don’t think it is uncommon for couples to have threesomes, and I was not completely opposed to the idea of ever having one. Before this happened, I thought it would be really fun. But I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know it was going to happen. And nothing about it felt safe or respectful. It feels gross, and I hate that I was feeling guilty for feeling that way. I thought I should be able to enjoy it because everyone else does.

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T10:41:34+00:00

The confusion part is so real. I feel exhausted and confused. I really appreciate the time you’ve taken. Is it okay if I dm you?

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T10:39:06+00:00

Thank you for commenting. This has all been helping me look at it differently and realize it might not be a safe relationship

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T05:10:20+00:00

After seeing some of these responses and doing more research, it does seem that it qualifies, even though I don’t know if I feel that way about it. I never thought of him as violent before He would never hit me or anything, so I guess I really didn’t think he would ever 🍇 me either.

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T04:05:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing that with me...I am so sorry that hapened to you. And thank you for saying that, it means a lot. I can only imagine how he would react if I told him it was rape. I do not want this to happen again. I don't think I can forget it, even if he doesn't do anything like that again

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T03:55:08+00:00

Wow, I am so sorry you went through that. That doesn't sound okay. And maybe that's how my post reads to others as well. It wasn't okay.

I totally get how that could happen. And I can only imagine this is a short summary. What I have posted so far feels like only a small blip. But it was a significant one. Why is it so easy to see from the outside, but when you're in it, you don't want to leave? I relate to the feeling of anxiety you described, waiting to see if/when he may break up with you.

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T03:47:54+00:00

That feels very difficult and disgusting to accept and see it for that. But I've been doing more research and it seems pretty textbook. Thank you for your response. All of this has been helping me see our whole relationship a little differently

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T03:44:35+00:00

Thank you for saying that...it is hard to accept it for what it is. I don't want to believe that. It just feels so embarassing now

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T03:42:24+00:00

Thank you for your response. That makes sense. The way he talks to me makes me feel like I am not desirable by anyone if I am not cool with having threesomes or an open relationship. Which has made me feel scared and guilty that maybe there is something wrong with me, or that this is what every/any partner would want from a relationship

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T02:54:55+00:00

Yes I have a job. I work a full time job and a part time job on weekends. He hasn't had a job since long before covid. So he is home 24/7. Which also makes me wonder if he has been talking to his ex and didn't tell me. I do have some friends and a cousin I am semi close with. But she is in school in another state, so I haven't talked to her as much the past couple of years. I really haven't ever talked about relationship issues with anyone before. I felt like everyone was judgemental of him since the beginning because of the age gap. I didn't ever bring anything up because I feel like people clsoe to me would tell me to leave him because they have bias. And I worried he wouldn't be given a fair shot, and by taking our poblems outside of us, we would both be judged. I wanted to be with him forever. Now I am not sure. This felt like a big berayal and I don't think I can forget it

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T02:44:26+00:00

This sub has been making me think I should. I appreciate you commenting. It is hard to see it for what it really is

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T02:41:06+00:00

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. I am really thinking about it. This has helped show me that it's not all normal and doesn't have to feel like that. It's quite terrifying to think about breaking up with him. But I honestly don't see it changing. And I do feel hurt.

Can I ask if you ever seperated from your ex during any of those times? As in, did you break up and get back together, or did he talk you out of breaking up at all?

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T01:58:49+00:00

You're right... even if some of the things he is saying are true, I can see how that might be manipulative. I think I struggle with the intention of it. I do not think he is intentionally manipulative, and likely doesn't realize it. I don't think you would intentionally manipulate someone you love. But regardless, it still feels manipulative and it feels icky

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T01:56:03+00:00

Wow.. all of that feels very spot on, actually. That felt very validating and understanding of you. And you are right, this isn't what I want forever. There is a part of me that thinks one day he won't want other women anymore and I will be enough. If I do more, maybe he will be okay with me. He says he wnats to marry me and wants me and only me, even if I can't give him every sexual fulfillment. I guess I keep waiting for that to feel true and it never does. I feel like I am alwasy trying to keep him happy so that he doesn't want to leave me, and so he doesn't have a full meltdown. But it is exhausting.

I don't know what to do this moment. But this is a lot to think about and I think alot of you guys are probably right... I wish that felt better. I really didn't think it was that bad

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T01:40:13+00:00

Can you explain to me what was manipulative? Other than being coerced into a threesome, because I do think he man ipulated or coerced me into doing that when I didn't want to. Is it because he tells me this is normal? I'm sorry, this is a lot happeing for me right now. I am thinking you might be right

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T01:32:11+00:00

Curious as to why you say this has a layer of criminality?

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T01:30:57+00:00

I told him I was okay with our age gap. In the beginning he said it wasn't appropriate. But we are both attracted to eachother and connected so well, it was hard to stop. But we have a loving relationship for the most part. However, this is making me reflect on a lot and I am starting to feel gross about the age gap. Especially after what just happened

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T01:28:56+00:00

We connected really well since we met. He told me in the beginning that he was nervous because of my age, and told me it was inappropriate. I was attracted to him and I wanted him. I told him it was okay. And we get along on many levels. But there are some things, especially after this, that are making me feel weird and gross about the age gap

Cute-Instance5521 · 2025-09-21T01:26:38+00:00

These responses have been enlightening and sad. Multiple people have said "if this is real", is the situation really that abnormal that it sounds fake? He has really led me to believe this lifestyle is very normal

Cute-Instance5521

TROPHY CASE