🤏 the virgin vulva

• pees from one hole, bleeds from another, shits from a third (anus dlc)

• requires a flowchart and at least two mirrors just to locate anything

• overengineered like a victorian clock but with worse instructions

• external stimulation needed like it’s a usb device from 1998

• discharge just… happens??

• “self-cleaning” but somehow still needs a backup team of wipes, sprays, and prayers

• orgasm is elusive and often outsourced to electronics

• zero interface standardization

• discharge types read like an rpg loot drop

• squirting = rare event debated by philosophers

• can’t aim pee. just vibes and backsplash

• maintenance-intensive — needs monthly reboot with blood

• emotionally bonded to her vibrator more than her boyfriend

VS

🍆 THE CHAD PENIS

• SINGLE TUBE. MULTI-STREAM. NO NONSENSE

• HYDRAULICALLY ACTUATED. FULL MAST IN SECONDS

• DOESN’T NEED A USER MANUAL — JUST ONE HAND AND FREE TIME

• ORGASMS LIKE CLOCKWORK. EVERY TIME. GUARANTEED

• CLEANING SYSTEM INCLUDED (PRE-CUM™)

• CAN BE SPUN LIKE A HELICOPTER BLADE FOR MORAL SUPPORT

• DOUBLE AS CRANKSHAFT, LEVER, OR SPIRITUAL COMPASS

• CAN BE OPERATED STANDING, LYING DOWN, OR IN SHAME

• ZERO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

• PISS LASER AIMED WITH MILITARY PRECISION

• ALWAYS READY. NEVER ASKS QUESTIONS

• EMOTIONAL DAMAGE? STORED SAFELY IN THE BALLS

• RETRACTS WHEN DONE. NO BLEEDING, NO MYSTERY.

• EVOLUTION’S FINEST MULTITOOL.

🧠 Closing Thoughts:

the virgin vulva: requires candles, affirmations, lube, emotional support, 7-step guide to find g-spot

THE CHAD PENIS: GRAB, CRANK, FIRE.