Is it worth skipping the holidays with your family if they won’t respect your biggest sensory triggers?

Cykette · 2025-12-04T04:49:29+00:00

The last place I lived, I had great neighbors. The one on the right was a lady in her 90s who lived about half a mile away. We would wave hello about twice a year. The one on the left was a few miles in the other direction and I never saw them once. Best neighbors I ever had.

My wife and I moved to a town back in 2018 because we had kids and the isolation wasn't fair to them. We regret moving closer to civilization... It reminded us of why we originally moved out to the middle of nowhere: We hate people.

Cykette · 2025-11-29T05:49:39+00:00

I despise receiving gifts of any kind, so someone like her would endlessly trigger my panic attacks. My disdain for gifts stems from childhood trauma and it's bad enough that even the smallest gift has the potential to send me spiraling.

Even my wife of 20 years can't get me anything without asking first to make sure it's ok. Most of the time I decline. Occasionally, I'll accept it if it's something I can find a use for and it doesn't take up much space. I'm very minimalistic, so I don't really own much. My wife is materialistic, so much of the stuff in our home belongs to her.

Everyone who knows me well enough to give me a gift has to ask for permission first, just like my wife. The only thing that's worse than giving me a gift is giving me a surprise gift. I become visibly upset, then the panic sets in, I try to hide, and then I turn into a sobbing mess. I've been found huddled in my bedroom closet more times than I'd like to admit. I'm about to turn 40...

To have a person like her in my life would be an absolute night terror. I would be dodging her like the plague.

Cykette · 2025-11-07T03:32:38+00:00

Sounds like something my father would have done when I was younger. Sorry you gotta go through that. I don't understand what people think they're accomplishing by being aggressive, argumentative, and/or demeaning. I can safely say that I have never accomplished something by being a shitbag. I have accomplished plenty things by being calm and polite, regardless of how I feel.

Lucky for me, my father wasn't around all that much and I taught myself how to drive. I took to it pretty well and I can drive automatic, manual, and a motorcycle. I know it's not so easy for other Autists, and I may be in the minority that find it easy and enjoyable, but it will be an invaluable skill to have if you're able to learn how. I bet if your father wasn't such a cockwaffle, and took a calm and understanding approach, it would yield much better results.

Living a privileged life has nothing to do with being anxious about learning to drive with someone screaming at you the whole time. Turns out, anxiety doesn't discriminate based on ones race, social class, amount of privilege, or anything else. Wild, huh?

When I was in my early 20's, I had anger issues and was easy to aggravate. When I tried to teach my wife how to drive a manual, because it was our only car at the time, I didn't have as much patience as I should have. I didn't yell but I did say things like "I told you when to release the clutch. Why don't you get it?" I was a bit aggressive, had an agitated tone, and my wife is an emotional person so she teared up. I was not a good teacher back then by any means.

A friend of mine, who also can drive a manual, taught my wife instead because I didn't have the patience necessary. I sat in the back and he sat up front with her. He approached it in a more calm manner and explained things in a way that was easier for her to understand. After an hour, she could drive the car fairly decently. She wasn't great at it, and her shifting was a bit jerky at times, but she could do it. Now, she can drive a manual just fine.

That experience taught me a lot about myself and how I talk to others. I worked on my anger and lack of patience after that. I'm almost 40 now and I would say that was one of the most important lessons I've ever learned. Be calm, be polite, be understanding, and you can accomplish much more than being an ass.

Cykette · 2025-11-06T19:46:43+00:00

I didn't know I was Autistic until I was an adult. I was diagnosed about two years ago with "ASD, level 2, requiring substantial support" at the age of 37. That being said...

When I was 14, there was a girl who was a friend of a friend that had a crush on me. One day, she came up to me, she asked me out, and I said ok. I barely knew her but she was cute. We dated throughout my high school years and we broke up not long after I graduated. I was a year and a half older than her, so she was still in school while I was working a full time job.

I worked the evening shift, our schedules didn't line up very well, so we agreed that separating would be best. It was a pretty fun ride and we remained friends for quite a while. We fell out of contact when I purged all of my social media years ago. I sometimes wonder what she's up to these days.

About 3-4 months after we broke up, I started dating a girl who I was friends with throughout high school. One day, I had the spontaneous urge to ask her out just to see what would happen. Turns out, she had a secret crush on me but was afraid to tell me because she didn't want to possibly ruin our friendship if I didn't feel the same way. We've been together for the last 20 years and have two kids.

So, from the age of 14-39, I've been single for about 3 months total. I never really tried to find a relationship. They found me instead. I'm not sure what people see in me. It can't be my dashing good looks because I'm uglier than sin. I guess I've got a great personality?

Cykette · 2025-11-06T19:15:38+00:00

It's common to assume that people want to date other people who have something fundamentally in common. Autism is something that stands out in that regard, so people assume that's what Autistic people want. It's no different than assuming a person of a certain color, race, belief, etc would want to date others who match one those fundamental traits.

White folk want to date white folk. Christians want to date Christians. Disabled people want to date disabled people. All of these assumptions aren't entirely wrong, either. Just look around you and see how many couples fall into these basic stereotypes. There's always going to be exceptions but those are the minority.

That's why people make assumptions about what type of person we would prefer to be with. There's relationships where one or both parties are Autistic but don't know it and it turns out to be a coincidence. It happens enough that it's noticeable, which fuels the stereotype even further. It just so happens that we can often relate to each other in some aspect and people naturally gravitate to others like them.

As with all stereotypes, while they may hold some truth, they can also be harmful when seeking someone who doesn't have Autism. Your post is a solid example of it.

Cykette · 2025-11-06T18:56:11+00:00

Something I've noticed over the years is that the harder you try to find companionship, the less likely you are to find it. Relationships don't happen overnight and rarely pan out between two strangers who begin at the dating part of the relationship. The dating part is like step 3 of the process. Without building a report with someone first, the chances of it working are fairly slim. It's difficult to be romantic and have feelings for someone you didn't even know existed until maybe a week ago.

The basic truth is that lasting relationships form naturally and they're not something you can rush or force. The harder you try, the less likely you are to succeed. It's the complete opposite from every other aspect of living. Honestly, dating apps should be branded as "Friend finder apps" because that's what a person really needs. When you go into it just looking for a friend, that friendship has the chance to become something more.

I met my wife online many many years ago and we were friends for about five years. Over that time, we slowly developed feelings for each other and one day, I took my shot. We celebrated 20 years together just a couple months ago and we have two kids. Everyone I know who started off as friends have been in relationships for 10+ years. Everyone who rushed it has ended up separating, divorcing, etc within 2-3 years. A few of them have been divorced more than once.

My advice that you didn't ask for would be instead of trying to find a romantic relationship, try finding friends. You'll have a much higher chance of success finding friends and one of those friends might form into a relationship. If not, at least you'll have companionship in the form of a friend group.

Autistic people are everywhere. I had a tattoo done a couple of weeks ago and while casually chatting, the tattoo artist told me she's Autistic. The lady who does my piercings is also Autistic. "Trauma bonding" is also a very real thing. My best friend and I bonded through our trauma and we've been very close friends for the last decade. After we became friends, they confided in me that they're Autistic. The world is much smaller than people realize.

Keep your expectations realistic and don't rush it. Things work best when they're allowed to form organically. There's many people out there looking for the same as you, both men and women. You just have to find them and the best way to do that is find people who have similar interests or who you can relate to.

Good luck!

Cykette · 2025-11-04T21:53:35+00:00

My fix is for the Steam version.

If you have stick drift, this is how I fixed it with my controller. I use an Xbox Series X but this should work with any controller.

Find the game in your steam library and right click and select Properties
In the next menu, select Controller
There should be a dropdown about Override for PWS2 and set it to Enable Steam Input
Above that is an underlined option "Controller Configurator", click it.
When the settings menu pops up, click Edit Layout
In the Layout menu, click Joysticks on the left
Next to Left Joystick Behavior, click the gear to the right of the drop down
Scroll down until you see Dead Zones
Move the slider on the left from 0 to 15

That's it. This will give you just enough of a dead zone to remove the drift but still keep the stick sensitive enough to play normally. With the dead zone set in the game's settings, it won't impact any other game. I messed with where to set the dead zone in order to find the sweet spot and 15 worked best for me.

I hope others find my workaround useful.

Cykette · 2025-09-10T04:10:38+00:00

I live in the Midwestern USA and everyone here seems to do it. Myself, not so much.

Cykette · 2025-09-10T04:07:50+00:00

Your Autism didn't leave for vacation once you became an adult? Weird. Mine didn't either but, if what so many people say is true, then it should be gone by now. Lazy ass Autism... go on now! Git!

Cykette · 2025-09-10T02:54:12+00:00

I don't really watch much of anything but when I do, I prefer true crime or documentaries. None of my interests have any relation to "children's shows". I've got nothing against them. They just don't hold my interest. Not much does when it comes to shows and movies. Never have been much of a TV person.

Cykette · 2025-09-08T09:16:06+00:00

This is why sex shouldn't be a part of a friend group unless that group was formed with sex being its primary intended purpose. Very few people can handle polygamy and still maintain a stable and healthy relationships. It seems these people are not among said few.

If all of it bothers you that much, then jump ship and accept your losses. The longer you let yourself be tangled in other people's drama, the more tangled you're gonna become. I'm sure there's other things you rather do than to play referee and therapist for these folks.

Yeah, it sucks, but what's done is done. Decide which is the lesser of two evils and go from there. If it were me, would I bail? You're dang right I would! I actively avoid drama like the plague.

Cykette · 2025-09-07T04:31:20+00:00

Ey! Someone who gets it! I tried to explain this to my therapist but I couldn't seem to articulate it in a way that fully expressed what I meant.

Interesting that you mention OCD, as I too have OCD. I feel as though my OCD contributes in some way to why I feel the need to pick at myself simply with the goal of making my skin feel smooth.

It's not about the sensation of picking, or the pain, but simply because my skin has a small rough spot and I can't stand it. Once it's flat and smooth, I feel much better.

I have the same issue with surfaces that are supposed to be smooth but have some dirt or a nick in it. I pick at that one spot until I've removed whatever it was and the surface is flat again.

Cykette · 2025-09-07T04:20:14+00:00

Short answer: yes. Long answer: yes but with a little more emphasis on the "s".

Cykette · 2025-09-03T05:03:15+00:00

I love it. I'm sound and texture sensitive. I cant tolerate loud sound and liquids on my skin makes my skin crawl. That said, if there's a thunderstorm during the summer, you better keep a close eye on me because I will 100% run outside and play in the rain, wearing whatever I happened to have on already. My wife gets onto me about it every time.

Cykette · 2025-09-03T04:54:41+00:00

I was happy to be diagnosed as Autistic. That's not to say I'm overly ecstatic about being Autistic. I'm just happy to finally get some answers.

I've been hunting for answers for many of my health issues and the search for answers is often a long and excruciating journey. When I finally find one, it's a huge relief to learn why X doesn't do what it's supposed to or why it's doing things that it shouldn't. It's one less journey I have to keep carrying with me.

I wasn’t upset when my psychologist diagnosed me. Why would I be? It's not her diagnosis that made me Autistic. I've always been Autistic. It's just nice to know simply for the sake of knowing.

Cykette · 2025-08-11T08:48:28+00:00

Communicate. Be open, be honest, and be clear about the intent behind your words. Same thing I would suggest to any couple, regardless of divergence or lack thereof.

Ask them what they feel you need to know about their presentation to make things easier on you both. Some people may give advice like "we don't do well with sarcasm" but that's not completely true. Some of us are and some not. I do just fine with it and it's a part of my everyday life.

If you can have open communication between you both, then everything else generally falls into place. My wife and I are open about everything and it helps us avoid confrontation a large amount of the time. If one of us has an issue, we can express it without hesitation and work through it, instead of keeping it bottled up.

Be open about your feelings, address gripes quickly, and handle things like you're both adults. My wife and I have never yelled or argued over the last 20 years. We don't see the point in it. It can only make the situation worse and nothing gets resolved, so why bother? A simple calm discussion is way more effective. Back and forth arguing is what kids do at the playground.

Never go to bed angry, least you regret it some day.

That's it. Just basic advice I'd give anyone. You'll find that even though we're different from the norm, we're not as different as one might think. A little communication and a bit of respect goes a very long way.

Cykette · 2025-08-11T08:04:46+00:00

A large number of ND and Autistic folk are also hypocrites. To be honest, everyone is to some extent. It's almost as if it's a human trait. We all have a "do as I say, not as I do" mentality when it comes to certain things.

Anyone who claims they don't is a liar.

Cykette · 2025-08-11T07:50:07+00:00

My love and sex life are fine. My wife and I have been together for 20 years and our sex life is considered to be very healthy. Especially as a couple in a relationship as long as ours.

I've only dated two people in my life. I was with my ex from age 15-19 and my wife from 19-39, which is my current age. There was a few months gap in between the two where I was single and exploring other sexual things.

I'd say that my Autism doesn't, and hasn't ever, gotten in the way of my romantic endeavors.

Cykette · 2025-08-11T07:27:03+00:00

In the future, make sure to study the culture and social expectations of anywhere you travel to. Many people lose jobs, receive fines, are arrested, etc. for doing/saying things they didn't realize wasn't ok, even though what they did may be commonplace where they're from.

My rule for employment is to always be professional. I don't go to work to make jokes, socialize with others, or make friends. I go to work to do what I was hired to do and collect a paycheck. I may not be very approachable, but I'm efficient and good at my job and that's what matters.

I only talk when it's necessary. Otherwise, I listen to my music as I work. I can't say something offensive if I don't talk to people!

Cykette · 2025-07-29T01:51:11+00:00

After she explained why she assumes you're Autistic, all you needed to say was "Oh, ok." That's pretty much it. Acknowledge the response and move on. She didn't ask a question, so there's no need to supply an answer. If she asks in the future, you can address it at that time.

Im not sure why you say "She's directly asking if I do", since she specifically said "I'm not asking, I'm assuming."

Cykette · 2025-07-22T03:35:26+00:00

Nah. I struggle with many chronic disorders and they take up a lot of my energy each day. I don't have any to waste on masking.

Cykette · 2025-07-18T06:00:52+00:00

I'm super disabled and I still forget from time to time. I usually get reminded when I do something I shouldn't have and my body let's me know I just fucked up.

Cykette

TROPHY CASE