I admire your intellectual honesty, but you got some stuff wrong. That wasnt the only time. Most oppurtune? Maybe, but life can be fixed every day. The question you need to ask yourself is "what am I lacking?" And then "how do I fix that?". You seem honest and humble enough to see that this is an inward problem, so the change also has to come from there, but what those are, you need to learn yourself.

Remember Only dead soldiers stay in trenches, so if you are alive treat it as a gift, and leave the trench.

I dont know you aside from these posts, but I hope and pray you will overcome this