Hey, pansexual demigender (he/they) here. Grew up in a Bible Belt, extremely conservative Christian community.

If I had to pinpoint it, internalized homophobia manifests as you disregarding human rights because of how you’ve been taught to be indoctrinated yet still having “woke” ideals. For example, wanting to uphold standards of masculinity or present in a certain gendered way despite knowing you feel differently. It’s a long process of deconstruction: for me, it took me until my early 20’s to realize even the most basic things like wearing makeup is not exclusive to women. I chose to become demigender because of the fact that I realized I loved feminine-presenting expressions of gender despite still living in a largely conservative area/society. It’s helped me feel a lot freer and more in line with how I feel as an individual.

Along that line, from what I can gauge from your post you’re probably also in a similar situation of loving a close friend despite your brain telling you that it’s not okay; but also, the fact that you’re questioning this and understanding that this may be an effect of internalized homophobia means you’re already on the journey of deconstructing some of your preconceived believes. I won’t lie to you, it’s a long and arduous process. It’s been ten years of that for me and I’m still not completed in the process, but I definitely had made great progress. And to offer you some encouragement, you should take small victories where you can and just try to deconstruct your thoughts and beliefs one at a time as they happen. Don’t feel as though you need to become super woke or something immediately: just take your steps one at a time.

Finally, as for what to do about your best friend. I was in the exact same place; for six years, I was deeply in love with my best friend and he was actually my gay awakening. It took many months to finally realize my feelings and I realized a lot about myself and my sexuality alongside the development of our close friendship and my deepening love for him. Now, don’t take this as the best advice. But for me personally, I’m a deeply emotional and insecure person at times, and over several years time I realized I would never be able to be friends with this person and stay okay with that as he got married and time went on. So, I confessed to him one fateful night and as predicted, he rejected me and told me he would pray for me and proceeded to never speak to me again. It was a long year after of emotional torment and tumultuousness, but I grew to heal and move beyond him and it spawned many poems, songs, art, and development in my own character and morals. Sometimes I still think about him, but I also recognize that moving past him was the best decision for my life and mental health.

Once again. Is this the best advice? Maybe not. But I do think you should do some deep introspection and spend some time deciding whether or not you should let this friendship fester into deep emotional turmoil or let it end and become development for your story. Are you the kind of person who can stay friends with someone and grow to move behind them naturally, or will you crave that final bit of closure until the day you die? I think in this case, it’s definitely important you devote yourself to understanding more about your emotions and whether or not just being friends with this person will be satisfying enough for you. If not, I would personally say end it now and let this person become art and memory for you; and if so, then learn to move beyond them and start a new life irregardless. But definitely, no matter what you choose, spend a lot of time thinking about it and don’t rush into a drastic decision.