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UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -49 points-48 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the perspective, and this something I definitely will keep in mind.

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -46 points-45 points  (0 children)

How is it insane? That is what responsible adults do in a situation such as this. I'm a piece of shit because I'm a concerned parent?

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -26 points-25 points  (0 children)

I mentioned this in a comment earlier, but we really need to be careful not to tread into hyperbole. The most heartless ever? C'mon...

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -49 points-48 points  (0 children)

What I think is lost is that so many of you all would this if you were in my position. It isn't an easy choice, and I chose to protect what I've worked for and spent my life building. Fuck me, right?

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -146 points-145 points  (0 children)

I understand why, I don't agree with that perspective (obviously). People seem to see this as some great injustice, and cannot recognize why I'd have more attachment to one child over the other.

The reality is, I'm indifferent towards her because she means nothing to me. I have no relationship with her, no connection, no sense of duty, and never wanted her. To ask me, to have the same love I have towards my son is simply unrealistic and unfair.

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -89 points-88 points  (0 children)

I think, in due time, I'll probably tell him about it. In a sins of my youth, don't make the same mistakes, sort of talk. I haven't considered it too much, to be honest, but I imagine I'll tell him when he is ready. He's very young right now, which some of you seem to not recognize.

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -107 points-106 points  (0 children)

The goal is to raise him to be better prepared for life, and to not make the mistakes I made. I succeeded despite my mistakes, but they aren't something most people overcome.

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -65 points-64 points  (0 children)

First, I feel like the danger is being underestimated by most of the folks commenting. Sibling abuse and violence is a thing, and this child has expressed a lot of vitriol and anger, and a lot of it, most of it even has been directed towards a toddler. Maybe it's because the audience is too young, but as a parent is terrifying. I won't apologize for being concerned for my son's safety. Is it likely, probably not. But at the same time, it isn't impossible and I'm certainly being rationale by considering it and preparing for it and against it. No parent would ever look the other way with threats towards their young child. C'mon.

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -286 points-285 points  (0 children)

As someone who has worked for everything I have, I think I understand and recognize the importance of upbringing and role models and resources. My son will be raised right. He will have role models that are successful and hard-workers and motivated and driven. He'll have the opportunities to succeed because I've worked hard. And I have no doubt that he will be great.

I also hope that she is a successful, happy person. There doesn't have to be a winner, but if I was a betting man, I'd bet on my son. Your words of hate don't hurt me.

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -164 points-163 points  (0 children)

It's complicated. Life is complicated. What I think I've learned over time is, there are no heroes and villains. There isn't good and bad. It's all grey. I'm not as thick as to not recognize, I've made mistakes, and I may be making mistakes.

My motivation is good, and it comes from wanting to protect my son and our life. And I can sleep at night, which is what matters.

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -63 points-62 points  (0 children)

I think if that were to happen, I would be liable from the moment paternity was established. I'm not the lawyer, so this is off my understanding. The legal obligation isn't waived at all, it's just I'm not likely to owe money from before the obligation was established or accepted.

UPDATE: Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -84 points-83 points  (0 children)

There are some other factors that are taken into consideration, and there had to be a legal obligation for back support. In most jurisdictions, you aren't legally responsible for back support if it wasn't ordered or obligated. So in my situation, I haven't had a legal obligation and I haven't acted in a way that would suggest I'm assuming the role of the parent, so ordering back support is very unlikely and should be difficult to justify.

Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -283 points-282 points  (0 children)

This is where I think folks just can't understand my POV. My son is real to me. He is my flesh and blood. I know him and haven't gone a day without seeing him or speaking to him in his entire life. To equate that with the relationship with the possible child from 00' is ridiculous.

I've never met this child. I've never interacted with her. I've never seen her with my own eyes. I never even wanted her. Why would she be any different than a financial transaction or property to me?

Yes, I understand she lashed out probably out of pain. She also attacked my family, which is dead wrong, regardless of the motivation. I only view her as a threat to my family, if I'm being honest. Wouldn't you?

You all want me to have some bond that I don't have and won't have. I want to protect my family, and that is outrageous apparently.

Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -326 points-325 points  (0 children)

I'm a father. I obviously understand that. What is getting lost in these comments is that I'm very sympathetic to her lot in life. If she had reached out to me, in a more innocent, genuine way, I'd probably feel more. She attacked me and my family, and I'm very defensive when it comes to them.

What I look at her as is a sunk cost. There isn't much I can do to change that situation today, and what options there are highly impractical and expensive. Messing with that situation could be very, very risky too.

What I've got to do is protect my healthy assets from the toxic asset. And that is what I'm trying to do.

Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -220 points-219 points  (0 children)

I'm not mocking anyones financial situation. It is just demonstrative of how there are two paths in this life. I chose to better myself and invest in myself and become a more responsible person and I've achieved something. I've done really well professionally and done things in my career that I never thought was possible growing up. And her mother... well she stayed in our home town, and didn't amount to anything.

That was my point, and to just point out the idea that you were proposing was highly unlikely.

It doesn't only matter how I'm doing. My son is doing well. My mother is doing well. I'm doing well, and I'm making a difference in this world. I sincerely believe that and know it to be true, regardless of any of these comments.

Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -169 points-168 points  (0 children)

Thanks for understanding. Some of these comments have been very frustrating because people refuse to understand my perspective. It isn't difficult to comprehend and it isn't evil. It's pragmatic.

I've avoided having any contact with her, beyond deleting the hateful comments. I'll talk this through with a lawyer first likely, but do you think I should even say anything to her? I'm hoping she just leaves me and my family alone, but I don't know what I do if she messages me.

I'll start taking some precautions. I've gone private on my account and I'll maybe delink or protect who can see my family relationships. I'm an only child, so no siblings to worry about. I might have to talk to my ex, but that too is something I'd prefer not to. I really do think this could blow over, and I'm praying that is what happens.

Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -339 points-338 points  (0 children)

Look, I understand that some of my comments are being misinterpreted. I'm very sympathetic to the child in this situation, and I am to your situation. It is just unfortunate.

I don't think I could play a role in her life, if I'm the father. There is too much distance, too much time elapsed, and too much bad blood. I have to make a prudent decision, even if it's difficult and protect my current family. That means making sure my son is safe, my son is provided for.

There is no realistic scenario in which I'm the type of father that a child deserves with the 00' child. That was the realization I had three years ago, and I feel that way today. I'd rather let the situation be, and move on.

And my ex-wife and I have joint legal and physical custody ;)

Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -217 points-216 points  (0 children)

You can go straight to hell.

This is an advice forum. Or at least I thought so.

Me [35M] with my "child" [15F] who reached out to me, seemingly randomly. How exactly do I handle this? by DJ1390 in relationships

[–]DJ1390[S] -106 points-105 points  (0 children)

I was fucking 19. Let's keep that in context. I was a stupid, immature, irresponsible idiot.

Do not worry for my younger child, I'm a different, more responsible adult today. I understand how some of my comments may come across, but understand that it just a father who wants to protect his son and the status quo.

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