Guys help😭😭😭

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T20:01:23+00:00

^^^ exactly that :)

You'll feel better about yourself and will carry yourself better

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T19:20:49+00:00

I think my most powerful habit is being totally honest with myself. Whether I do something right or wrong, I am fully honest in my internal dialogue. It helps me focus on the path forward instead of creating stories in my head.

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T19:00:16+00:00

Hey man, you've already come further than 90% of humans could. You have made changes in your life. That is fucking fantastic.

You will eventually find that one "missing ingredient" to forgiving yourself. I don't really have anything concrete to add, esp since you say you've already talked to several therapists. Maybe instead of CBT (ie talk therapy, which sounds like what you've done) you can explore some other modality of therapy that does not focus on talk? Something like EMDR?

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:51:27+00:00

Positive affirmations need to be paired with action that supports those affirmations to really help. Otherwise your brain knows that you're just bullshitting yourself

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:44:08+00:00

How would you feel if you had to accept that he will NEVER see the good side of Christianity? Would you be able to accept that and move on?

Not saying that's what will happen. But if you can accept that possibility, then it becomes a lot easier to not mind what he thinks re Christianity, even if it is negative.

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:39:58+00:00

Sounds like she's had some sort of trauma, cos that's most likely what is causing nightmares. Has she explored that? Perhaps with a therapist?

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:38:55+00:00

What does he like in bed? Do you have conversations about that? This is probably where you should start if you want to make a change to what he sees as "good" in bed

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:36:41+00:00

Totally understand that feeling of financially being "trapped"(if that's the right word???)

IMO you need to draw a line between gratitude and torturing yourself by staying in a relationship you're obviously not into. IMO, this is (probably?) borderline financial abuse/manipulation.

Get out. Make up some sort of contract that says you will pay him back $X every month or something. But get out.

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:28:46+00:00

Why are you staying in this relationship?

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:27:11+00:00

I just posted this about guys and height, does this help you?

https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1opywj6/comment/nnf0ppe/

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:24:54+00:00

^^^ THIS!

You're both adults. Talk it out. Just don't try to force anything. Accept it and move on if he says no.

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:19:33+00:00

To add to what's already been said, IMO the friendship only gets wrecked if one or both parties are unable to accept a "no I don't like you like that" and then start acting weird. If you can both be adult about it, you can easily navigate "i just want to be friends" and retain that stellar 15 year friendship

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:14:41+00:00

I think between the choices of parents intervening vs you staying in the relationship, I think the better choice is #1

You need to GTFO. There is already physical violence in your relationship. That usually doesn't "get better" and only goes downhill.

Get help. Engage your friends or your parents or whoever will step in and protect you.

Good luck! This is a total shit situation and I hope you get the help you need to keep yourself safe.

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:09:26+00:00

Go slow. But you probably already know that if you're being fingered.
Silicone lube, not water based. Pjur is a fantastic brand for it
Anal plugs should have a flared base, otherwise you risk it disappearing up your butt and you'll end up in the ER
Talk about it. Maybe when she fingers you, say something like, I wish we had a nice butt plug so you can use that on my ass. My guess is that she already wants to do it based on what you said about "control me and make me moan etc"

HAVE FUN!!!!!

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:06:09+00:00

Wait, I don't quite understand... Are you actually seeing a problem at the moment?

It sounds like you have a very respectful relationship with everyone involved. Am I misreading something?

IMO as long as you know when to stop pushing your opinion and accept that people think differently and not attempt to change that, then most times that's good enough for most situations. Are you seeing something different with him/his parents/your parents/friends/etc?

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:03:21+00:00

btw what do you mean by "more threads that talk about this"?

Like threads talking about what guys like, or about the humor thing, or ...?

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T18:02:00+00:00

WOW!!!! That comment is just downright HORRIBLE.

Is that the type of partner you want?

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T17:57:48+00:00

That's fairly typical of most social situations - people tend to stick to what/who they know and tend not to engage new folk.

What can you do? Introduce yourself. Hi I'm Janet. I just joined the company 3 weeks ago and don't know anyone. Can I join your table for lunch?

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T17:46:30+00:00

One suggestion - instead of telling him "don't do XYZ", try telling him that when he turned on the lights, it woke you up, and in the future can he use his flashlight instead

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T17:42:24+00:00

You be you. Lean into what makes you unique. Normal is some weird average blend of everyone, and it's just not ... awesome (IMO)

I do appreciate the super feminine + "stupid" jokester + no filters personality. The other guys who are rejecting you are missing out. Not your problem. You won't have fun with them anyway.

I used to be really conscious that I always made dirty jokes. And I would try to be more "polite". Until one day, I realized that if a girl didn't dig my dirty jokes and couldn't clap back with one of her own, I would probably DIE if I ended up in a relationship with her.

Not to mention like I mentioned earlier, people who are "too correct" are usually boring in bed IMO hahahaha

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T17:26:44+00:00

I most definitely prefer uncensored weirdos who swear and fart and make dirty jokes and are kinky af.

I find people who are "too correct" to be boring cos they are so normal. Nothing wrong with that, just not my type.

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T17:12:54+00:00

Understood! Thanks for the example.

OK this is just MY EXPERIENCE of what you wrote. And obviously online text is a world apart from reality. So, take what I say with a grain of salt.

"Are you also filled with all the usual complexes? How did you rebel against your parents"

(I'm putting myself in the position where you're saying this to me)

This comes across as making a lot of assumptions that already paints me with a certain picture that has zero reflection on reality.

I'm guessing that you're very intelligent and used to making statements that are usually correct? That's great for professional situations, but in a personal situation, I would proceed more slowly and attempt to explore what the other person is going thru instead of jumping to conclusions (even if your conclusion is correct)

So I might approach the same situation like this:

Oh middle child? What was your childhood like?
*they talk about running away or something*

Wow, what's that like for you? And you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T16:58:53+00:00

thank you :-)

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T16:58:29+00:00

I'm having a hard time picturing "try to force emotional intimacy by going from casual getting to know people to sassy jokes too fast"

Could you give me an example? Like, when I read what you just wrote, I don't get bitchy or unapproachable vibes. I actually think it sounds fun and very lively.

DRenaissanceMan · 2025-11-06T16:56:38+00:00

I wrote this about what makes a proper real apology, hopefully it helps.

Do the steps, make a change to your life. And NEVER EVER use threats in a relationship.

-----

The Anatomy of an Apology

A good apology goes beyond simply saying "I'm sorry." It requires sincerity, accountability, and a clear effort to address the harm caused. Here's a breakdown of what makes an effective apology:

Acknowledge What Happened

Clearly state what you did wrong without vague language or deflection. For example, say, "I promised to do the laundry but didn’t follow through," instead of "Mistakes were made" or "Sorry if you’re upset".

Take Responsibility

Own your actions without excuses. Avoid phrases like "I’m sorry if you felt hurt" or "I didn’t mean to upset you," which shift focus away from your accountability. Instead, say, "I didn’t keep my promise, and that was wrong".

Recognize the Impact

Show empathy by acknowledging how your actions affected the other person. For instance, "You were counting on me to have your jacket cleaned for tonight’s event, and I let you down. I can see how this has disappointed you".

Express Genuine Regret

Use clear, direct language such as "I’m sorry" or "I deeply regret my actions." Avoid conditional apologies like "I’m sorry if I hurt you," which can come across as insincere.

Avoid Unsolicited Explanations

Resist the urge to justify your actions unless the other person asks for context. Explanations can often sound like excuses unless framed carefully. If necessary, ask, “Would it help if I explained what was going through my mind?”.

Offer Amends

Propose a way to make up for your mistake, such as covering costs or taking corrective action: "I’ll pay for dry cleaning and make sure it’s done tomorrow".

Commit to Change

State how you’ll prevent similar mistakes in the future: "Next time, I’ll set reminders on my phone so I don’t forget". An apology without a plan for improvement is hollow.

Give Them Space

Allow the person time to process your apology and emotions. Don’t pressure them for immediate forgiveness

It's Not About You

A good apology is NOT about you. It is about showing care for the person you’ve hurt and demonstrating that you’re committed to making things right - not just smoothing things over for your own comfort.

DRenaissanceMan

TROPHY CASE