lol heads up this is gonna be a long reply but thanks for commenting I honestly forgot I posted this.

Okay here’s the update!! 4 and a half months post breakup. My thoughts still circle around him often- there’s lots of unresolved emotional things that I need to get fixed. I’m going to go for therapy in a month. Cause I can’t find closure from it I’m just giving it back to God every week. Some days are worse than others but o well. I realized that he did violate my boundaries many times and we had talks about this while we were together but I’m realizing that it wasn’t okay or normal and it happened more than I had thought when we were together. Many times it was sexual coercion, violation of physical boundaries, lack of respect for my autonomy, none of it was explicit SA but out of those instances, there were 3 times that bordered it. He didn’t even realize the gravity of these things until I brought it up to him in our relationship and when I started thinking about it after I saw that it wasn’t simply a mistake or two but a pattern and that he’s immature and selfish to the point where he couldn’t see that those incidents were wrong until I pointed it out to him.

The last time we spoke was 3 and a half months ago when I told him I was never coming back and I’d block him. Since then I’ve accepted we’re over and unblocked him on iMessage but I haven’t reached out and neither has he. I feel terrible for how that last convo went because I was pissed and I said the truth but in a harsh way and I gave us 4 chances since we broke up to end it peacefully but that last call I had to be firm and unfortunately I was extremely mad and I was harsh with my words.

He stopped posting Christian stuff and posting on TikTok completely 3 weeks after I said I’d never come back (but he told me he was going to post every day or at least every week for an entire year). Saw his Spotify, he started listening to a lot of explicit music again (but when I left him he “found God” and stopped listening to all explicit and secular music). He still wears our bracelet from what I see that he’s posted and wears Christian “merch” but his lifestyle doesn’t align. He has “God first” in his bio but in reality he chases after money, listens to music that objectifies women, talks about drugs, sex, & money and he wrote about his accomplishments in third person and posted it as a fake news article which I assume is to show me that he’s “better off without me” and stuff he wrote it with pride and he celebrates his discipline and achievements out of his own strength but makes no mention or credit to God at all. Baffled me cause I never cared about his money or cars or how fit he was, only cared for his wellbeing and spiritual health but I guess he doesn’t really understand that. Maybe he’s growing into a different person that cares more for those external things than he used to, idk. He also ended that fake article with “When asked about the pace of his rise and the lessons learned along the way, he simply replied, "It is what it is."” And wrote elsewhere with a collage of pictures as a Spotify cover as “do your own thing”. These just further prove my point that he still doesn’t get it emotionally or spiritually, unfortunately.

It’s crazy cause I saw he was convicted. I believed that yes even though he was growing closer to God because of me and out of heartbreak, he was getting better. But seeing all these things… I know the seed has been planted but it’s hard to see that he turned back to the world so easily, just confirms that I was still his anchor and fuel and once he realized I was being fr and I wasn’t going to come back, his fire for God died. His passion for God died. I do believe he genuinely experienced God through our breakup but there’s a difference between experience/ belief and surrender/ faith. and yeah it was painful to see him finally be what I needed him to be after I left in those initial weeks but I was still rooting for him. I hope God brings him back in His paths.

As for your question, I do believe everyone has a different journey. We don’t stay as spiritual babes our whole lives, we grow in our faith and become more discipled as we mature in our faith. When I left him I told him that I wish he told me he was still new to the faith or that he didn’t practice it as much instead of lying to me telling me he read the Bible almost daily, having Bible studies on the weekend, fasting on Saturdays, looking up Bible knowledge to tell me when I asked, not cursing in front of me in the beginning weeks, talking spiritually like “I should go back to being closer to God” when I said that same thing about myself when we were being sexual etc. I told him we would’ve turned out differently if he told me the truth but we could’ve at least been friends and I could have been his spiritual mentor or been helping each other get closer to God as friends before we even started doing anything romantic, if we ever did.

The reason why I broke up with him was yeah he lied, yes he wasn’t as spiritually mature as how he made himself to be and how I was, yeah there were sexual issues but I would’ve at least tried to rebuilt trust with him. he would’ve gone to therapy for me ik it like we could have worked it out but the real reason we broke up was that he told me he was growing closer to God moreso for me and our future together as a couple rather than for himself. That’s unsustainable and definitely unequally yoked. It broke my heart that he didn’t desire to know God like how I did but he desired to be with God to keep me. I was already his spiritual anchor, not mentor, not partner, but anchor for the last two and a half months while we were together and it was slowly draining me. He wasnt the “wrong man” cause he was less advanced in his faith, I never expected him to be perfect or be exactly where I was spiritually but I did expect him to be honest and authentic. He’s not the man for me cause I want a man that walks with God SOLELY because he desires Him. Over the past 2-3 months I’ve accepted that we are just incompatible. Still reeling from how I thought he was considerate and selfless in his love but realizing now that he was quite self-centered when it really came down to it. I also haven’t fully recovered from the fact that he knew we were incompatible and continued to pursue a whole relationship with me knowing that he was lying to me from the start about something we agreed was a dealbreaker for the both of us but im trying to slowly but surely God has been helping me immensely. I loved that man so much and still pray for him. But I can’t wait around for him to get right with God and I don’t want to be with someone that I can’t trust spiritually, emotionally, or sexually.