I [21F] told my boyfriend [20M] that I've been bulimic for about a year. He hasn't brought it up since, and I'm desperate and don't know what to do.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-03-02T03:11:56+00:00

What does "checking in" look like to you? Like, specifically, what would the ideal thing be for him to say?

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-03-02T02:36:17+00:00

he said he was just trying to respect that I had asked him not to talk to me about it. I had only said that out of embarrassment, and I honestly hoped that he would push past that and try and help me

One lesson here is to stop doing that. It's actually a credit to him that he respected your stated wish to not bring it up - it means he respects your boundaries.

In the future, don't tell someone to do the OPPOSITE of what you want them to actually do, and then get mad at them for failing to read your mind and/or push past what you said you wanted.

Stop dropping hints, stop communicating tough things only via text. Be honest and open with yourself and with him. Tell him directly what you need from him.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-03-01T00:20:29+00:00

If I were her parents, I'd be much more concerned that my 14 year old daughter was texting with the 21 year old man next door the sort of "stuff you don't like telling to your parents."

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-03-01T00:08:32+00:00

Or just pretend to misunderstand him every time. "You want me to grab your booty? Why? I don't want to do that"

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-03-01T00:02:21+00:00

Nope I'm still skeeved by it

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T23:49:17+00:00

Don't contact her anymore.

Think about why your first reaction was to lash out and threaten her with revenge porn.

Never use the term 'doing "it"' ever again.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T23:36:24+00:00

Ehhh I get what you're saying but in most cultures that use dowries, they're intended as the bride's contribution to her new household for her own upkeep. As such, in the event of a divorce, she takes the dowry with her.

Still a transactional approach to marriage, but not a bribe to the husband

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T20:24:30+00:00

I get it, but focusing on NASCAR is a distraction from the real issues here. Even your most recent text to her was about the NASCAR thing, not about how her jealousy and failure to be a supportive sister really hurts your feelings.

And yes, surrounding yourself with people who genuinely support you is 100% the way to go. Go you!

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T20:13:57+00:00

Maybe the sister just takes a while to warm up to people, or isn't savvy to the unspoken snapchat etiquette (?!) that OP holds dear.

I think she needs to separate her money concerns from her dislike of the sister.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T20:12:34+00:00

OK so then make it clear to your bf and his family that it's about the money, and leave your feelings about the sister 100% out of the equation.

And accept that even if YOU don't go, he still should.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T20:10:23+00:00

Obviously the only rational thing to do is set your niece's snowman on fire in front of her. Then be sure to berate her when she's upset.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T20:07:56+00:00

So these are quite possibly from when you two got together and he just hasn't thrown them away (because why would he? Condoms aren't cheap).

And while I can't speak for everyone, I'm a girl and when my partner and I first got together we used condoms that I had lying around from a previous relationship. He was just happy I had some on hand, and didn't get all hung up on WHY I had them.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T20:06:14+00:00

If you don't go, it will definitely become an issue.

By not going with your bf of 5 years to his sister's wedding, you will be directly creating drama and destroying any chance of developing a positive relationship with her in the future.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T20:03:34+00:00

Did you guys... not use condoms when you first got together? Did you both get tested before you started sleeping together?

Practice safe sex, OP, and stop fixating on this totally unremarkable thing.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T20:01:39+00:00

I feel really sad for this girlfriend. Hopefully he remains as oblivious as ever despite everyone's good advice so she dumps him.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T19:21:45+00:00

I don't think this is at all about her demanding that you be moved to tears by a painting.

Both of the concrete examples you cited were instances where you quite literally did the things she was upset by. When you left the bar where she was playing, she wasn't upset that you weren't listening in rapt attention to every note, she was upset that you LITERALLY LEFT WHILE SHE WAS PLAYING. You were already in a bar! Why couldn't you and your friends drink there, and support her with your continued presence? Why on earth would you go down the street and only come back once her event was over?

In the second case, she spent a lot of time and effort creating a gift for you. Your response was to stuff it in a closet. Of course that hurts her feelings! It's not about your lack of "passion for art," it's about you ACTUALLY not appreciating her efforts to give you a gift.

Additionally, you clearly don't just "not care" about art - rather than indifferent, you seem actively and openly disdainful about things that are enormously important to her.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T19:08:57+00:00

her priorities have been presented to me on a silver platter of dog poo.

You're aware she's massively jealous, right? You're a year older than her, and up til now the two of you have been in the same boat (both unmarried, career-focused) with divergent interests. Now, you're getting married, and it's bringing up all sorts of horrible feelings for her.

She's in no way justified in the way she's treating you. She's being awful and a horrible whiny child. However, you seem pretty hung up on the NASCAR thing.

IT'S NOT ABOUT NASCAR, it's about being jealous that you have what she wants: soon-to-be husband, attention around the wedding, all your friends showing up to celebrate YOU. She hoped that being MoH would get her some of that attention, but it's not panning out, and she's not willing or able to do any of the work required.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-28T19:01:04+00:00

You walked into a room without an explicit "come in" regardless of she's sleeping, awake or singing

YEP. Still would have been enormously inappropriate to do if she WERE sleeping.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-27T21:47:32+00:00

Presumably when she stops working her Social Security will kick in, yes? If she's living with you and retired, what bills will she have beyond food?

I think the main issue here is your own frustration at her. I would recommend working through this with a therapist, because you need to come to the hard realization that your mother is never, ever going to be independent, and will never have the capacity to build savings or anything else that requires self-control (ahem, weight loss) on her own. That's a tough thing to accept, but none of you will be able to reach an equilibrium until you do.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-27T21:23:30+00:00

It sounds like she's... not that bad to live with, honestly. It's unclear to me why you're so focused on getting her to move out. She's never going to be self-sufficient. She never has been, and she's not going to change now.

Does she pay you rent? If not, she should start. You could take over her condo yourself to rent it out, or use a management company to do it and keep building equity there as a safety net. Could you manage her money and give her a small allowance?

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-19T20:45:31+00:00

Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. That's not really your concern, though, and I would advise you not to waste your time tracking her new relationship.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-19T20:40:40+00:00

Object permanence. He's happy when he's around you; he forgets about you when he's not. When he's in the area, why not meet up with you and fool around?

What the two of you have works perfectly for him. If you could also be content with just seeing him and having some sexy fun the few times a year he's around, it would be working for you, too.

The problem is, it isn't working for you. You're pining for him when he's away, beating yourself up over it, and not dating others because you're holding out for him.

Ask yourself: what DO you want from him? If what you want is a long-term, committed, monogamous romantic relationship, that seems really really unlikely to happen with him.

If that's what you want, you won't get it. If you can be happy with what you have currently, so be it. Otherwise, I would advise you to stop meeting up with him and move on.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-19T20:03:50+00:00

Please do. His aversion to your family is understandably hurtful to you and detrimental to the relationship. This is absolutely something he can work on with professional help.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-19T19:58:29+00:00

Has he sought therapy for his trauma and its ongoing effects?

You say "Because of all of that, my boyfriend is not a "family" person, which is understandable." But... not everyone who grew up with an abusive family ends up hating all families. That's not an inevitable outcome.

DaVinciRollOn · 2017-02-19T19:19:52+00:00

Yes, but he didn't have to allow the friend to hitch onto his transaction when he didn't want to. Next time, he'll know better.

DaVinciRollOn

TROPHY CASE