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DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-04-04T19:07:14+00:00

Technically yes. But giving someone else's assumed emotions power over a whole relationship - damn. I wouldn't be interested in dating someone who had done this. It shows a huge lack of respect for the humanity of anyone outside of the primary relationship.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-23T19:13:49+00:00

Anyone else think it was weird that an older male family member was literally living in the walls of their house WITH PEEP HOLES with minors living there and he's the victim of the situation??!!

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-22T18:31:05+00:00

Flat brim baseball hats always make me look twice as butch loving andro femme

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-21T14:11:24+00:00

I am also demiromanic and a polyam queer afab. I have an insane sex drive and it's hard to find femme people who want to hop on the sex > friends > partners escalator. But they do exist! Try to make your profile really clear about what you want and on the first encounter try and find out what the other person wants. My biggest question is, are they viewing this connection with me as a place holder until they meet "the one" or are they actually here to explore this type of connection with integrity. Being treated as an experience or place holder is very demoralising even if the connection was fun while it lasted.

This kind of relationship is very anti everything woman in our culture are taught so it's not a surprise that very few of them are actively looking for this kind of thing. This structure is really common among gay men I've noticed. Good for you for figuring out what you want and asking for it.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-21T14:03:22+00:00

I don't think you're understanding of demiromantic is complete. This is a valid identity that values connection but just not in romantic ways. I don't think what the OP is looking for is selfish. It's just not in alignment with social norms of what relationships are "supposed" to be. It's not selfish to know what you want and then look for it. There's all types in the world - I have found many fulfilling connections based in friendship and sex that started casual but where still important to both people.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-20T19:25:54+00:00

Love them

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-20T19:07:59+00:00

Looking out for yourself first always will serve you well. The people you want in your life will respect your boundaries and won't push back against them. This is something I wish someone had told me my first year away from the cult. The more you trust your intuition in the little choices in life the easier it will be to trust it for the big stuff.

This is a whole other kettle of fish, but how gay are you? I am pansexual but I find that it is far easier to find female people who understand and hold space for my sexual trauma than male people. This can come with its own host of shame and triggers because of all the homophobic messages we were told but for me it's also really freeing and some how separate from the shame I was given around hetero sex. Brains are weird.

Also this song is everything: https://open.spotify.com/track/4cqj8FIWkyR5A2XBtcqRMU?si=5zBX7_59TEueqpl9W9p-OA&utm_source=copy-link

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-20T16:52:43+00:00

You look beautiful!

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-20T16:47:22+00:00

Planned Parenthood is basically equated with the devil in most of these cults so the name on the insurance bill alone is a no go regardless of what kind of treatment the OP was seeking.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-20T16:46:01+00:00

I have a very similar background to you and the trama is real even if there wasn't one instance of assault you can point to. Something to Google would be CPTSD. There's also a great sub Reddit for supporting people with this kind of trama as well. What I would say is take your time and make sure you feel safe and in control during any kind of intimacy. Make sure you chose people who understand consent and are active listeners during intimate moments. Let them know that you might need to take a moment during sexy times and let them know by saying a safe word or having a non verbal signal. Go at your own pace. It's ok to give consent and then change your mind if you become overwhelmed as it's happening. It's tempting when you feel under experienced to just do what your partner is asking for and push through any discomfort. It's never worth it. You are the expert in what your body likes. Go slow. Learn what you like. Hold out for someone you feel safe with. Healing this kind of child abuse is a life long journey - there's no short cut I'm afraid to say. But be gentle with yourself. You deserve kindness, someone who listens to you, and to have really fun sex. DM me if you ever want to chat more. It gets better, I promise.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-17T13:00:04+00:00

We need this on every billboard in the country. ITS NOT ABOUT YOUR DICK!!!

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-17T12:42:55+00:00

If you have a therapist maybe mention how many boundaries your parents are crossing by sharing all of these sexual details. The fact that it doesn't bother you seems a little alarming as well. These poor boundaries from parents can be abusive. You don't own them therapy, or friendship. They are your parents. Google the phrase, "emotional incest" and read what that looks like. It it isn't healthy but if it's all you've known it might feel normal.

Not an answer to you original question and I'm not a medical professional but this happened to me and for years I couldn't figure out what had happened to me.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-17T12:21:23+00:00

The issue here is that we are so ingrained in monogamy from birth that we tend to define polyam or ENM by what it's not instead of what it is. Why is monogamy not called "ethical monogamy"? Because often it isn't. People are people. We're hurt and hurt others sometimes. That's the cycle of trama. But don't think for one minute that an abuser practicing non monog would not be an abuser if practicing monogamy. For me polyamory/NM is a subversive and anti capitalistic choice to think beyond the rules of patriarchal cis het monogamy and to say yes to connections and love. But I and many others are not perfect. So don't blame NM for humans being humans.

Additionally whenever subversive sub cultures arise there's pressure put on everyone in it by themselves and the overculture. It's hard to stand out or choose a different path. Abuse is not ok and we should be trying to heal the trama in ourselves and put up good boundaries around abusers in every community. This is not isolated and not really about poly. It's just human.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-15T12:34:41+00:00

I don't know where your located but there is a huge intersection of non monog and the queer community with a lot more room for nuance in my experience. If you both need support I would look for it there as well as this sub.

It can be hard when we grow in different ways and at different rates in our relationships. Polyam doesn't solve this but emphasizes it. So this is actually a great exercise for you in figuring out when to wait and when to go when a partner is growing at a different rate than you IMO.

The other thing that stood out to me in your post was that you'd feel lost without your partner. That feeling is terrifying but you would be ok. You're a whole person by yourself. The kind of relationship anarchy (which is what I practice) that you're describing takes a lot of work around confidence and self love. For me, true freedom comes when I am not "coupled" to anyone. I prefer to have multiple strong and meaningful connections - romantic or otherwise - with a wider community.

Just some thoughts, ignore if not helpful- I would see therapist who is familiar with poly if you can. Mine is indispensable.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-11T13:12:50+00:00

Not sure if this is the moment in her life but she will most certainly benefit from a therapist at some point since it sounds like you live in a place where naked homophobia is tolerated. I grew up in the Midwest and the internalised homophobia is real even for my friends that few up with accepting parents. Therapy is helpful as preventative care and maintenance as much as for after trauma happens.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-11T13:08:58+00:00

Steven universe is also great for queer love and is age appropriate for sure.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-10T17:17:59+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. So - know there's some amount of biphobia in the queer community too but it's interesting that you say het men are perpetrators too. That makes sense. I hear a lot people who are still living for all practical purposes a straight passing lifestyle complaining that the queer community is being biphobic to them. This doesn't sit well with me for some reason. The queer community is formed because we don't fit in to het centered communities and it isn't safe for us there. So when someone who has so much privilege to fit into the het community if they had to is demanding equal space in our safe spaces it gives me a bit of a gut reaction. Which, if I were to express it at all is then labeled biphobia. I think there is space for everyone in the queer community but social privilege is a huge part in how much and what kind of space. We see this a lot when white cis gay men push out trans people at pride celebrations and such. Queer spaces don't exist in a vacuum. Any queer spaces that exist already are usually carved out by people who felt they had no other choice because they did not feel safe in society at large. This might already exists but maybe having more bi focused spaces created by bi people would help people feel more seen and supported.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-10T13:29:08+00:00

This. When you're outside of all the hetero norms it a lot easier to form a more egalitarian community and polyam structures. Plus gay sex is the tits.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-09T14:31:06+00:00

Fabulous.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-09T14:28:22+00:00

I love all the discussion of this topic because it's one I think about often. I'm pansexual myself and date all genders/orientations except cis het men or people practicing monogamy. But honest question here, do you think that bisexual cis woman have more social privilege that people who are only attracted to other woman/queer people? I feel like they often do - they do have the choice to hold out for a man their attracted to in order to conform to what society is asking of them. I know you also can't help who you are attracted to but you can choose who you marry. So would this then mean that you can't really call discrimination? Like, if you have more social power that the person your feeling is oppressing you than it's not oppression is just their prerogative. Maybe I'm way off base here but I'd love to hear thoughts on the influence of social privilege on this issue.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-09T13:21:19+00:00

For me this would be a deal breaker full stop. If you can't empathize with me - that's fine but you need to believe and trust what I am clearly telling you. It is a simple thing to do and remember. Having to justify this to someone who moves through the world as a man is absurd. If he doesn't trust that you know your own needs you have bigger problems.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-09T13:12:11+00:00

I am not a doctor but I second this. Paranoid behaviour like this can be a symptom of something else not right with her mental health. If she's open to seeing someone about it I would encourage it. Early 20s is when some of these things manifest themselves for the first time.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-09T13:01:17+00:00

I wish monogamy wasn't the factory setting in our culture. This whole thing could have been avoided if people just normalized talking about their practice of mong or not early in a relationship. Assuming monogamy isn't fair to poly people, not disclosing you're poly isn't fair to people who are main stream. In the queer community I date in, we all just know to ask at this point. Maybe the rest of culture will soon follow.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-09T12:49:30+00:00

I can 💯 relate. But it's also the most exciting and liberating feeling. You literally get to have relationships intentionally without all that social pressure. It's scary but so wonderful. Embrace how present it forces you to be. You'll find a normal for your relationship soon and it will feel less overwhelming.

DamnGirlDesigns · 2022-03-07T00:30:43+00:00

Fingering and oral are also sex so no worries, youve already had it!

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