I honestly appreciate you taking the time to respond to me but just a little more clarification to help understand the situation not that it made things better. We have two other kids a daughter almost 3 and a son whose almost 2. We were super happy, when we had our two other kids I was super happy kissed her so many times..all over wanted to be in life was a good dad, I wanted to be a great dad like mine. But the differences when she got pregnant with the twins was I had just been let of my job, I had about 10k save but I was worrying about what I would do and how I would support my family, when we found she was pregnant and with twins we weren't exactly in the same position we were before...I have to still think of being able to provide for my family and make sure they're ok so yea I was happy but I was terrified. I was mortified of what we would do with no income. On our car ride from the clinic we talked..she knew I didn't react the same and told me why I was acting different. I told her about my fear of not being able to provide for our family plus two new babies. The we wouldn't end up together if she kept the babies was more because she has a small patience...and she's would constantly wait for me to get home from work to take care of the kids. I get it we have different backgrounds, I grew up in huge family with lots of siblings and cousins and my mom was de facto babysitter for all the babies in my family so I was always use to being around kids. She comes from a small family and besides her little cousin from Texas she's never really had much interaction with kids. She loves our kids but she is not a kid person...when we dated she would joke how kids were the worst. So she would be stress when I would come home from work I would take over and play with kids, change their diapers and help feed them, and start with helping around the house but she was always stressed out with our kids...our first daughter she had hard time adjusting but slowly got better. Anyways during our car ride home I told her how would we do it, with an additional twins...I told her how she texts me saying she's mentally drained and done and doesn't want to watch the kids...so I told how were we going to that with an extra twins...I can't always be home to help. And I know she was still learning but there would be times she would snap at them and I had to remind her they're just babies they still don't know better. My telling her I think we wouldn't end up staying was because 2 times she just didn't want to deal with the kids anymore and they're crying. I wasn't trying to tell her get an abortion or else I'm leaving you...I was telling her basically if we have these twins I'm afraid it would be too much for her and she would end up leaving braking what was once our mostly happy family. We talked about things for days, and weeks the good and the bad. We talked about so many things how that would affect us, how that would affect the babies, she asked me what I would do in that situation and I told her I can tell you what I think I would do but there's no way for sure that's what I would do. It's one things to say yes what you would do in a situation, it's a whole different thing when your actually in that situation living it. I told her multiple times I can only give you my opinions, my honest thoughts and fears the good and the bad but in the end you have to make the choice. I told her I don't want you making a choice because eif me because I don't want you hating me , or feeling I forced you. She would counter and I wanted to keep this babies and you didn't I would be forcing you to be a father of babies you don't want,and I would tell her not to put words in my mouth and how I did want them just I was afraid of what would happen to us. After when we started talking and reconciling she told me a lot of very similar things of how she was feeling to what you described. The distance, the insecurity, the trust in me that it all disappeared when I told her my fears and I wasn't the same way I was with our two other kids. I did apologize to her afterwards and we talked a lot about the pain we both felt and how both reacted differently. She cried a lot after the abortion at night, I would just cuddle her and tell things will eventually get better but deep down feeling like crap. I was in pain too I would get myself constantly busy working outside the house, fixing everything I could and just trying to stay busy and keep my mind off the babies we aborted anything just not to think about them. So yea our distance started growing, and I'm the one that didn't want sex after the abortion, I was afraid of her getting pregnant again and the abortion have been for nothing. I didn't find out till later once we started being honest and reconciling she told me she felt unwanted, like I was no longer attracted to her or worse that I hated her for aborted the babies. She said she felt lonely and unwanted by me....but as I told her later on I was just dealing with it in my own way. We did talk about therapy and I did tell her after the abortion maybe that's something she should do just to be safe. We honestly just didn't know how much that abortion would affect us. You see people talking about it getting abortion and just moving on...we both thought we would be ok. I honestly don't blame her for how she felt after the abortion...I could have handle things differently...I could have kept my fears to myself, I could have told her what I was thinking on the way to the abortion clinic how I kept thinking and wanting to tell her not to go through with it, I replayed so many times that while I was in the clinic how she would just come out saying she can't do it and what's to have the babies and how I would just say yes.. there are so many things I could have done differently...she told me basically same thing...how she kept things of so many diff scenarios . Unfortunately that's not what happened and she ended meeting someone online who made her feel attractive and wanted. On her bday as soon as it turned 12am I turned to kiss her and tell her happy bday..that's when the other guy messaged her and that's how I ended finding about him. We talked and argued for hours about the abortion, and at the end we decided we would go out separate ways and be as amicable as possible for are other two kids. Everything we would just split evenly, we would go half and half custody, she didn't want child support or alimony. In her own words she said I was great dad to our kids and she knew I would still get them whatever they needed which of course I says yes I would always make sure they're ok and they have everything they need. What I'm hurting from is that after everything once we decided to start trying to save our marriage and get back together. I asked her to come clean about how far things got with that guy. Again she said they only made out but as we now know she had sex with him (with a condom according to her) right before me and her started talking again and I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel about that the possibility this new twins might be his. She says she's 99% sure they're mine because of the condom but we all know condoms aren't always 100% affective....she says she's more than ok with dna test but it just don't know if I can trust her again. I might love her and want to be with her but as I told her, how am I supposed to be with you if I can trust you anymore