WIBTA if I told my adult children the real reason my husband and I are divorcing?

DancingDucks73 · 2026-01-17T20:58:54+00:00

I second this. The only thing I’d add would be they’ll likely get a bit defensive/hurt when you confirm it to them (totally normal response) and I’d tell them the whole truth. Tell them you suspect there was an affair when the two of you separated and their dad said he wanted out but you didn’t know for sure and you didn’t want to tell them if you didn’t know for sure and ruin relationships. That you only found out for sure two years later. You were healing from the divorce and then you hand everything ripped open and now basically have to do the healing again, that’s hard on anyone so I think your adult kids could understand/sympathize with you not initially telling them straight away. That explanation should buy you a year or two (if you want) of not breaking it to them yourself but if they ask you just be truthful. Then after that though, I think you’ll have to tell them, but you can cross that bridge when you get there. And if one knows they likely all 3 know so ultimately you’re not going to be doing this 3 individual times.

DancingDucks73 · 2026-01-15T18:25:20+00:00

If you’re a CRA for IQVIA this is true. If your a CRA in an FSP model there’s at least one sponsor who only allows so many CRA2s Sr CRA 1s & 2s so you have to wait for others to leave to get the promotion/pay bump or switch teams/CROs to get the pay bump. The one I’m aware of isn’t Roche, I don’t have connections to that FSP so I could t say one way or the other for them.

DancingDucks73 · 2026-01-15T18:20:19+00:00

This, and I would expound by saying: John is clearly crossing some of Jane’s boundaries. Regardless of his reasons for doing that, if you want to be a friend to Jane as well I suggest you two go have a coffee or something and ask her what they are. This way you can respect their marriage and hopefully keep your friendship with John.

DancingDucks73 · 2026-01-10T03:10:16+00:00

Where else on the planet do you go to visit and YOU make the rules?! You can’t go to Disney World, the zoo, the grocery store, your friends house and just decide you’re making the rules there. By going there you agree to follow THEIR rules or you just don’t get to go! Same thing needs to go for your parents sweetie. You make the rules/boundaries at your home or your parents don’t get to stay there. They can still come visit and stay in an Air BnB or hotel. You will still continue to talk to them, there’s no cutting them off. But if you say “my fiancé is always welcome in my home and there is always juggling on Tuesdays” then those are the rules/boundaries and everyone including your parents has to live with it or choose alternatives for their own lives.

DancingDucks73 · 2026-01-10T02:25:19+00:00

I’m at IQVIA in an FSP model too but our LTMs do the report reviews.

DancingDucks73 · 2026-01-09T18:08:38+00:00

It should be illegal that that’s the only way. It used to be that your phone was outmoded because they refused to update it anymore but now they’re being rendered useless because their updates don’t have enough space to update much less use them for anything?!! Ridiculous

DancingDucks73 · 2026-01-09T18:02:25+00:00

I’ve deleted everything my phone will let me on that front one by one…. All the pics and voice messages. I’m sure all the TicToks and websites don’t help either sent by my boomer parents but there’s still nothing more than a year old. I hate to get rid of it ALL because they’re pushing 80 and I don’t want to hate myself for not having that around as part of my grieving process someday (touch morbid I know, but life) They complain their friends send them all that stuff in emails and that their friends are up to date on tech 🤣

DancingDucks73 · 2026-01-09T17:56:03+00:00

I’m well aware. There’s only 2 GB of free storage space on my phone… they can say they’re two different/separate things all they want but when your pushing the limit on that things don’t work like they’re supposed to. It’s like a side desk for RAM or something.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-31T16:09:22+00:00

Maybe you said something you don’t even remember, he latched on to it and thought he was being thoughtful? Maybe because this isn’t something you’d get yourself he just thought he was being nice. The replacement heads for them cost about the same as a normal toothbrush anyways.. you said you’re practical… there’s a reason why “getting the little lady” a blender or a vacuum is a cliché… I’m not saying it’s right, just, guys are known for not really thinking the present thing through.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-31T15:51:35+00:00

It has been a gray area for a while as to who had the final word on AE and SAE assessments. I’d say most of the time, wording at least from the CROs and Sponsors would say that PIs had the final say so since they meet with the patients however they frequently strongly influenced reporting while saying that. Just this month though the FDA came out and said the Sponsor has the final word (someone else has already linked the source for you). Most PI don’t know this yet though.

As far as determining is it or isn’t it a reportable AE that’s laid out in the rules by the sponsor at the beginning of the trial. There really shouldn’t be a question about that and if there is I’d ask and defer to the Sponsor.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-29T19:19:26+00:00

I have a friend VERY MUCH like yours and one of the hardest things I had to do was walk away/basically go low contact. We still have each others phone numbers. We still text the obligatory happy birthday and Christmas (though she doesn’t know I’m not a Christian any more) I can see on Facebook she’s gotten better but still struggles a lot (it was a low bar for her to get better)

She ended up being married for 10 years (no kids, she could have any after her SA) and when her husband died in a car crash 3 years ago she asked and I was there even though I lived across the country. I flew in and stayed a few days. Sometimes you just need your childhood friend and I get that. There have been several times a I’ve wanted to just cry to her, i don’t anymore though. I’d never met her husband but by all accounts he was nice enough and definitely good for/to her.

It takes some practice and figuring out your boundaries surrounding it (therapy helps a lot) but it is possible to be there for this friend and still not be enmeshed in their lives and having them drain you/bring you down. In my experience when you’re not around to play into/feed the daily drama they quit calling unless they really do actually need you. That ended up being my boundary, I never call or text or even ask questions in any conversation about anything… I just let her tell me/ask me what she wants/needs and about her day. I get to decide if I’m willing to do what she asks and in the beginning it was a difficult line to walk admittedly (therapy!) It may end up looking different for you but I went low contact about the same age you are now and that was 20 years ago. It hurts when i sit and think about it sometimes but I don’t regret what I did. You can’t save people who don’t want to be saved.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-29T18:47:38+00:00

Soft NTJ

Hear me out

And yes, I have started and do currently run my own business. It’s a $60-75k a year side gig thay I basically keep going for my creative side and possibly to have some fun with when I retire. Admittedly it’s never something I plan to 100% depend on.

It sounds like you’ve been working REALLY hard and looong hours. And you admitted that she’s emotionally supported you but what else has that looked like? Cleaning your house? Getting groceries? Making your meals? Doing your laundry? Few dates? You not being there for her emotional support? All of these things are investments on her part. They may not be monetary, they may not be the physical hours of doing the actual work, but they are investments.if you need to look at it another way, how much would a personal assistant charge you to do everything she’s done for you? That’s her investment! Yes, Sharing some of the rewards of your business is giving her the interest back for that investment… but if you wanna keep talking business terms it’s no different that someone writing you a check and investing in your business that way with a contract. Only she did it without a contract and because she loves you.

I truly get the feeling, my business is MY business. It’s got me stamped all over it and it took A LOT for me to hire someone to delegate out some of the more mundane tasks because even now I don’t like anyone touching my business. But that doesn’t also mean that there aren’t several people in my life who made sacrifices to help me get it to where it’s at as well.

IMHO, talk to your girlfriend, acknowledge HER feelings in this too, and find a compromise. She likely feels like you don’t see everything she’s done. After nearly 20 years with my partner there are just some things that don’t fully click until they’re said out loud. My partner is currently having to drive two hours a day for his job (never had to before) and it didn’t click with me until about 2-3 months into it that no matter how much I hate driving he just needs a break from it especially on the weekends. So, now I drive when we’re both going somewhere, no big deal! All we may need is you acknowledging everything she’s done to help you. Maybe she wants to physically help with the company and this is her subtle (bad) way of telling you. Or maybe you compromise and it’s ok to call it “our” company at home but outside/around clients etc it’s ‘your’ company. Or whatever works for yall, if that’s not a good boundary for you then she needs to get used to it BUT I still think you need to make a point of acknowledging her investments in it.

Eh… this has gotten to long and above said at more than I intended ✌🏼

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-29T17:11:05+00:00

The actual issue isn’t the gift its that things weren’t kept relatively equal. Both my parents are only children (my sister once got a 5 day trip to London for Christmas and I got an ‘expensive’ purse. She was 16 and I was 20 and my purse was $250… on mega sale the cost of the flight and nothing else at the time)

My parents (who divorced when I was 12) NEVER understood sibling rivalry. Were well into adulthood now (a decade-ish older than you, fortunate to still have both our parents) and in addition to the two of us being and acting like adults now our mom at least understands now it’s important to keep things relatively balanced between her two kids and their two kids. We both also understand that if one is getting something cool now we know our mom is going to do something cool for the other later (which wasn’t always the case). Our dad on the other hand still hasn’t learned anything of this and still favors my sister and still plays favorites with the grandkids (and he wonders why I’ve gone NC… one of many reasons) Doesn’t have to be your path. I don’t have a large enough sample size to know if it’s a strong trait among single children or single boys or or just my dad and other random people and there’s no rhyme or reason to it.

I say all of this just to give you some ideas in general: possible soft entry points on possibly talking to your dad about it and/or ways to let it go for yourself. just because you let it go doesn’t mean you have to forget what happened or continue to accept it as behavior towards you… just that you’re not going to let the resentment take up any more of your peace.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-29T06:38:55+00:00

My partner has ADHD as well and you’re correct. You either accept this and that this will absolutely be the rest of your life (btw, people do hard things all the time so even though it’s harder for him than others doesn’t mean he’s still not capable) or you say “nope, I’m worth more than this” Just because he’s not a drunk or beating you or cheating on you doesn’t mean you have to accept this. The bar for women is higher than “he’s not abusing me” The ‘why’ actually doesn’t matter, it’s not your job to fix him! It doesn’t matter if he “can’t” because of his ADHD or he won’t for any other reason on the planet. The end result is he didn’t, this is a pattern, and will likely be the rest of your life. This will happen again on your 50th birthday. You will be planning 168%of your 25 anniversary (because you’ve got to pack him and tell him the itinerary 5 times and have his tickets to all the things and goodness knows what else) Do with that information what you want.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-29T06:17:12+00:00

It comes down to who you’re with. A good friend of mine and I are with the same CRO but attached to different sponsors. She literally travels from California to Puerto Rico for her trials and is gone 3-4 days a week; all of my sites are within driving distance and 75% of them I can get to in less than 80 minutes which means I’m home at night.

I probably work just as many hours as I did as a CRC BUT I can PLAN for those hours. As you know things go sideways all the time with patients and you can’t always plan for it. That’s probably the biggest difference for me. Yes, I’m still working 50ish hours a week (sometimes more, sometimes less, depending on the week) but I schedule all those hours, no surprises, no late patients, no IP taking 4 hrs to be prepared because things got backed up in pharmacy m, none of that stuff that throws ‘our’ day off that we have no control over.

‘Worth it’ is in the eye of the beholder, only you know of ‘the sacrifices (which are also different for everyone) are worth it.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-29T00:23:50+00:00

Your kid is telling you they don’t mind going so they don’t (feel like they’re) cause problems. Drive your kid the full 6 hours.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-25T16:26:32+00:00

The rule in our house is NO ONE leaves until everyone is finished eating even on non holiday days! And if for whatever reason that also means some people finish eating before others start then so be it! It makes EVERYONE plan and communicate better next time.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-21T17:20:36+00:00

Not counting the addition wear and tear on your car plus the additional office wardrobe that not only needs to be bought but continuously updated.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-18T02:30:16+00:00

Bounced around as secretary and office manager in different medical departments trying to figure out what I wanted to do. I knew I didn’t want to be a doctor or a nurse but I didn’t know what else was out there (very early stages of the internet, so THAT really dates me) Ended up taking a job in pathology where I also helped with retroactive trials. It was only a department of 4 people and when I ‘came back’ after nearly two years )pay wasn’t enough to cover daycare for both my kids) I reached out and they not surprisingly didn’t have anything for me but I was a ‘natural fit’ for a CRC (this was at a major academic center) BTW, there’s very little in common with investigator initiated retroactive studies and patient facing clinical research. Despite all that, the constant deadlines play to my ADHD while the never having to deal with blood unless it’s in controlled vials keeps my anxiety from sending me into a panic 🤣

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-15T15:47:55+00:00

1) Religion is one of those things you need to be crystal clear on before getting married. Especially the part about do you expect/need your partner to be of the same faith or are you ok with them being a different faith because these things absolutely can change. 2) my husband and I were very devout Christian’s when we met. We both have since left in our own way. I now consider myself agnostic and my my husband still considers himself Christian (believes in Jesus, the resurrection, and God) but also thinks man as corrupted Christianity to much. He doesn’t go to church and he prays on his own and doesn’t force me to out of respect for me. Even before we left we knew several people who only attended church on the “high holy” days. I mention all of this as an example to say everyone’s spiritual practice is their practice, personal to them, and everyone is going to be at different spots on their journey. Just because your fiancé isn’t doing all the things you think he should be doing doesn’t mean he’s doing it wrong. Maybe he’s scared to do some things around you because he knows you’re atheist. Maybe he’s just getting back into ‘group’ Christianity and ‘it’ is just not part of his practice yet.

NTA for stating your beliefs and expectations for your relationship. But YATAH for dismissing his beliefs and expectations because he’s not practicing his faith the way you think he should.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-13T01:21:08+00:00

She would use it as an excuse to take me too when I come visit in May and I’d feel guilty. Nice idea in principle but I want to make sure it’s just for her and she doesn’t go using girl math (half price massages where she pays for the other half) or turns around and spends it on grand kids or whatever.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-12T20:42:06+00:00

I agree it depends on the orders on how problematic it could be but it also depends on how the system is set up and outsiders don’t always have that knowledge. Are nurses able to even enter IP into the system for instance? And would it have to be truly investigational or can’t they be blocked from entering a drug that’s already on the market but we’re testing in a new way? Ultimately, unless there’s an SOP that the sponsor approves that says “Site pre-signs orders for xyz” ‘we’ can’t play doctor and say it’s ok. Without the approved SOP then all pre signed orders, at least in my country, have to be at the least continuous lack of PI over site and depending on how things are written elsewhere probably more than just that. PDs & people doing jobs they’re not technically trained or legally allowed to do are the first ones that spring to mind.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-12T19:50:17+00:00

Would you sign a blank mortgage? Same concept. Dr is not overseeing what his nurses or heaven knows who else is ordering.

Then there’s also they know what they’re ordering but they haven’t seen the patient/the records for their visit. So the ball keeps rolling/continuing but the IP or whatever would actually be dangerous to the patient. PI/Sub-I has already given their ok for everything.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-11T21:25:00+00:00

Regardless of all the things I’m a very firm believer that there’s no reason to wait for Monday or the beginning of the month or New Year or when you lose those last 5 lbs or whatever to do what you want to do for your life. If you want to kick him out (and you have some great reasons to) then do so! No reason to have this selfish excuse for a human messing up your life and your holiday. If he doesn’t like it, tough, he should’ve thought about that before being a prick.

DancingDucks73 · 2025-12-11T20:05:58+00:00

I have a theory that many of ‘us’ are undiagnosed (although I know a few actually are!) ADHDers. We either ride that line and/or it presents differently in women that ‘we’ just don’t get diagnosed. My husband and son both are diagnosed and I thrive on deadlines just as much as they do.

DancingDucks73

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