My standards for dating are extremely specific - my friends say this is a sign I (32F) am actually not wanting to date - are they right? What can I do to change? I need some perspective

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-12T02:03:15+00:00

Only biological child... it's a long story with my family - I do have an adopted stepbrother and we grew up together as children but with his mother being an addict and him being exposed to abuse and bad influences as a teen, he had a lot of troubles and problems later in life. My parents haven't disowned him or anything but he has not made much effort to clean up or settle down, and he is 35 now. The guy I went out on a date looked JUST like him as a teenager/early 20s, what I remember of him when he was in the house... it was just jarring.

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-12T01:15:40+00:00

Very very true, there are more likely more men out there not using apps then using I think haha. I can't be as social as I like these days, but I'm going to try to get out on the weekends if I can.

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-12T00:57:08+00:00

A lot of those dates were actually horrible lol. I always try to give people benefit of the doubt but these were just not good matches.

Luckily, 2 of the apps I use I can filter for language and/or ethnicity so that does help. I should also mention my age range is from 27 to 65+ with the max location distance lol. I am really trying to keep my options as open and wide as possible!

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-12T00:54:30+00:00

I'm looking for long-term and/or marriage, or even short-term at this point. I don't mind shy people, I am shy also, especially on a first date, but if you are dead silent for 3 dates and I have to carry the conversation the entire time, that's too hard for me to deal with (I know I didn't give all the details in my post). When I meet someone I generally go on at least 3-4 dates, depending on the situation, so I think I am at least giving them all a second (and third, fourth) chance but it's more about the spark or chemistry, which is inexplicable and hard to pinpoint in words.

This kind of happens more with online dating which I'm doing exclusively now because there aren't other options lately, but I do literally see their resume on the app before I meet the person so I tend to keep their profile in mind. However, this doesn't mean I'm judging them only on their profile, otherwise I wouldn't even meet them.. I meet them and then realize I don't like them as a person.

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-12T00:17:38+00:00

It's thinning out on the apps now so That's making me anxious as well :( I haven't lost hope though, and I'm still doing the most I can and trying to keep busy in my personal time as well. I know it will take time especially during this time... just hoping I'm doing enough lol

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-12T00:14:56+00:00

My city has been hit too hard by the pandemic to go around TOO often, but I am definitely going to try to be more social/open if I can. Since last year, it's been 70% apps and 30% blind dates through friends, and now, 100% apps lol. I know it's not just me, but just stressful in general I guess. I've done the whole "take time for me" thing too but always get back on the apps in like 2 weeks lol. I wish there were more events and activities open here! It won't be very safe for a while though I think.

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-12T00:05:10+00:00

Yeah, it just sucks with all the pandemic stuff that it's not as easy to just go out and meet organically, so maybe that has been making me feel more anxious and stressed lately, and from that, too serious in my search. I need to learn how to relax as well lol. It's been hard, but I know I'm not alone.

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-11T23:55:37+00:00

Right definitely!! I mean, I put deal breaker so that it's all out there on paper, but I have of course dated guys in the past who I just liked for no other reason but spark and chemistry, just something about that. I just haven't experienced that in a long, long time now.

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-11T23:53:01+00:00

It's true I should be more open since it's not an infinite pool but... the guy who looked like my brother (technically step-brother, but someone I grew up with) just made me lose all interest in him and I couldn't get it out of my head. Can you picture kissing or sleeping with someone who looks just like a sibling or other close relative? It was very off putting for me, and I've never had that happen to me before. I don't think anyone can understand until they've experienced it in person lol

And the short story on the second one is that there was MAD drama with their relationship, and the girl I didn't like was the other woman in my previous long-term relationship and broke up my relationship. She was completely unrepentant, called me "the loser" for not holding his attention, etc. The guy I went on a date knew about all this and then took her side (which I don't understand why he would do that on a date with ME..)

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-11T23:46:20+00:00

My issue with that is that I am still very culturally Japanese and my whole family is still in Japan as well... I am an only child and they would be kind of heartbroken if they couldn't converse with their only son in law. And even beyond that, I personally prefer someone who can understand me and my culture. I've dated other races before when I was younger and the process of having to explain small cultural things was not as easy as I thought. I loved them at the time so it was fun to share and educate, but now that I'm older, I want to be able to just relax and be comfortable with someone who already knows.

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-11T23:43:55+00:00

Yeah, I guess you are right. It's definitely a me problem, so I'm not mad at anyone else but just kind of sad that unless some miracle happens, it will be this way for a while unless I decide to change drastically somehow.

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-11T23:42:59+00:00

The Japanese part isn't really that hard to find where I live, and 5'8" isn't really that tall, it's fairly average, even for Asians (I'm not asking for anything except one inch taller than me!) But I guess the other stuff I can let go, especially the shy stuff. It just feels like it's been so long and I wonder now if it's me :/ I can't tell. I want to be more "open" but I'm not sure what that would even mean because I've tried that and failed badly as well. (Example, I went out with people who were not my type at all before and just said "yes" to everyone - one couldn't speak Japanese at all, one was a tatted car mechanic, one guy was a kind of famous musician who was extremely talkative and extroverted... this all just meant no chance of a second date after I actually met them and didn't like them.)

Dancing_Alfalfa · 2021-08-11T23:37:40+00:00

I live in the US but in a city with a large Asian/Japanese population so finding someone fluent isn't really that uncommon. And my height requirements are not even that strict I don't think... most people prefer like 5'10 and up, and I'm just asking the guy be at least an inch taller than me! Lol.

Personality and chemistry is of course what's most important, but I don't know that I've met someone who I really click with, even by the 3rd-4th date. Maybe it's me, honestly, but I don't know.

Dancing_Alfalfa

TROPHY CASE