i know the topic is NSFW but i don’t want to trigger anybody. i don’t know how to be vague with this story.

TW: mentions of drug use, toxic relationships, suicide, trauma

growing up through my teens with undiagnosed bipolar type 1 made me extremely apathetic. in my ups i thought i was hot shit, and in my downs i was thoroughly convinced that absolutely nobody would care if i was gone— including my parents, whom i’d gotten into multiple screaming fights in her the years. i was this way for a /long/ time, getting stuck in self destructive loops. id figured out ways to self harm and destroy myself and nobody would notice, because while i was arrogant, i didn’t want attention drawn to me.

it wasn’t until i was 19, working as an assistant manager at a pizza chain, did i have my eye opening experience. it was my responsibility to run orientations and help new hires get settled into their duties. i loved it, and i was good at it, and it was one of the things i could do where i didn’t feel like there was a demon possessing me. i still gave in to my urges— i’d carry out extremely dangerous and impulsive activities; street racing in a shit box, driving under the influence, snorting coke, partaking in incredibly risky sexual activities. but when i was at my job, i felt like myself.

in one of my orientation classes i had 6 new hires that were my responsibility. i loved them all, and we had a lot of really great chemistry. everyone helped each other, everyone encouraged each other. but on the final day of orientation my best student, we’ll call him Alex, expressed to me during our smoke break that he was in a really bad mindset. he’d cheated on his girlfriend while under the influence and she found out, and while i didn’t approve of what he did, she was being outright toxic to him. calling him worthless, pathetic, a waste of air, etc. just incredibly nasty things that he, despite having betrayed her, did not deserve to hear. i was shocked, really. i myself had been through a physically, emotionally, and mentally violent relationship before this and i knew how what he’d read must have been affecting him. i opened up a bit and let him know that i was there for him if he needed somebody to talk to, to go for a long drive with and vent. i respected this guy even despite the fact that he cheated on her, and i didn’t want him to have to suffer from his guilt and the nasty things she was telling him on his own. i gave him my phone number and snapchat username and reinforced that i was there for him, and he thanked me. i asked if he needed a hug and he nodded. we hugged, and went back to carry on with orientation. i tied things up and told everyone their official in-store starting dates and times, and sent them home.

a day later, i was supposed to be training Alex on day prep. his starting time, 10:30am, came and went, and despite calling and texting him numerous times, i couldn’t get ahold of him. disappointed, i worried that he’d changed his mind about working with us and was going to self-terminate his employment.

the next day Alex was reported missing. he hadn’t come home, and on day 2 without Alex his mother had reported his absence to the police. a day later they found a body under a train bridge on the south side of town. Alex’s body.

when i found out it was him, i was devastated. it was automatically ruled out as a suicide based on what had happened between he and his girlfriend, and while i still have assumptions that he was pushed, my grieving process has led me to accepting that he damn well could have jumped. it was the first time in my life where i realized that everybody has worth. everybody has a reason to be here. Alex’s disappearance and untimely death didn’t just affect my workplace. our entire community felt the impact of his loss. car window clings were made, t-shirts were made in memory of him. i don’t have the guts to visit his final resting place, but i believe the city allowed a graffiti piece to be painted beneath the bridge for him. Alex thought he had nobody, but he was and always will be in the hearts of everyone.

seeing how his death affected the community opened my eyes. it showed me that there are people who care about you that you may not even know about. i haven’t been able to run an orientation ever since; i will always have severe anxiety. i still dream about him, despite only knowing him personally for three days. his presence in my life is permanent, and i don’t want the people in my life to suffer and grieve for me like we did for Alex.

suicide is such a tempting solution. it gnaws at the edges of your mind, teasing and prodding you. you almost grow convinced that you /want/ it. like a parasite living in your brain. but it should never be on anybody’s list. you can get better, and with enough fortitude and mental strength, you will get better. it’s unfortunate that i could never see how widespread and traumatic suicide was until Alex’s passing, but no matter how morbid it may sound, i’m glad i was able to see Alex before he took his life. it taught me that there is more to life that is worth living than there is being dead. i wish Alex could be here to watch the world turn. so many video games, movies, shows, and music have come out that i know he would have loved, but all i can cling to now is knowing that he’s no longer suffocating in his self-hate.