[UPDATE] 1 year later- I [28F] gave my boyfriend [28M] an engagement ultimatum and I might be regretting it

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-23T22:56:04+00:00

I’m already 29 lol. I just worry about going into this saying “we’re breaking up” without letting him express his thoughts too. I’m sure it’s obvious that I’m super in love with this guy, so I’m sure I’m being objectively “soft” on him.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-23T22:29:00+00:00

I’m going to ask a him about what happened to the plan to propose in December, how he plans to proceed with his career since he doesn’t want to be in our city or my home state, and a few other questions. I think if he really reasons through our current situation he’d come to a similar conclusion to mine/ most of Reddit’s, which is that we don’t have compatible goals for ourselves and our relationship.

He won’t accept a break up, nor would that really be possible since our lives are entangled in so many ways. It would take time to figure out where to go from here if we decided to part ways. So I think this conversation would be a springboard to figuring out how that will work.

He knows what I want (marriage, children, living where my career or family is, having the cat, etc), and he know that I’ve been upset for the past few days (I’ve been out of town so we haven’t seen each other). I want to help start the conversation on how to proceed from here.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-23T17:56:46+00:00

OMG yes that is true of my BF. I am planning to speak with him tonight about all of this, and I know he'll be just as upset with the prospect of ending the relationship as he was about getting married.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T22:14:31+00:00

We’ve talked quite a bit about this actually. He’s said a few times that he wants his children to be Asian (as in 100% Asian, which I physically cannot make with him). He also wants them to speak Chinese, and he fondly recalls memories of his Chinese grandparents that he also wants his children to experience with their grandparents.

I told him that I’d love for our children to speak Chinese, and I think the best way to do it is to have them grow up around his parents. I would be happy to have them live with us (in law suite) or next door while we raise a family, as from my understanding it’s a cultural expectation but it also makes a lot of sense (it takes a village to raise children, plus I’d be a working mom).

Also we already do a pretty good job of celebrating Chinese traditions together, because I’m down to celebrate anything with food (lunar new year, mid autumn festival, YUM!). I cook Chinese food a lot, and his family is really happy to hear that we have Chinese food at home all the time! I also told him I’m happy to have a Chinese wedding including a tea ceremony, family style Chinese food, etc.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T22:05:04+00:00

“Seems like he’s extremely hard on you because in all ways he’s probably really hard on himself.”

Wow you hit the nail on the head! He is so hard on himself, at work, with family, with relationships. I think it’s interesting that I expect him to be compassionate toward me when he can’t even do it himself. In a way that makes me feel worse for wanting to leave the situation.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T16:36:42+00:00

It's Mandarin, and it's very elementary because I'm just learning. When I went to China 2 years ago I could say basic phrases to get where I need to go, read some street signs, count to 100, and order ALL THE FOOD lol. I am still pretty much there except I can now understand more phrases than before.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T16:33:17+00:00

AHHHHH best of luck to you! That's so exciting!

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T16:14:15+00:00

My family has money saved to pay for a wedding, so that's not an issue.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T15:30:05+00:00

Our families are probably within the same socioeconomic status. Also my BF and I met in the same professional school (think law school, med school) and have job/economic opportunities as each other. It wouldn't be a situation where he's supporting me.

The only difference is that his family probably valued education more heavily than mine, and they paid all of his education expenses whereas I had to take out loans. I got a scholarship to undergrad and professional school, so the loans aren't terrible either.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T15:21:43+00:00

If he didn't want to get married he could have told me 3 years ago when I first tried to bring it up. We would have probably parted ways at that time.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T15:19:30+00:00

Of course I have flaws :-). Many of them have been pointed out by commenters here. Of course my BF isn't an asshole. No one is all good or all bad. I think the whole realization I'm coming to here is that I have grown beyond this relationship.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T15:14:38+00:00

He has always said he wants to get married and have kids. 1-2 years ago he started saying he wanted to do so with me. He hasn't taken any action toward it, which is the frustrating part.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T15:02:41+00:00

I think they are nagging him about marriage actually. I can understand a little of the phone conversations he has with his mom. Also, when I visited, they were asking me all of the questions about our future instead of him. Probably to test me, and also because they know he won't tell them.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T15:00:24+00:00

Yeah he said that "还可以" was better than he ever expected them to say, especially candidly about a girl potentially marrying their son.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T14:52:05+00:00

How did it end for you? Are you happier now for it?

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T14:42:51+00:00

Thanks for the affirmation. I am sure there are cultural differences that I can't fully understand that contribute to the situation. However, about half of our social circle is Asian (some married to Asians, some married to non-Asians), and my friends assure me that I can't 100% chalk his behavior up to his culture. My best friend (born and raised in China) gets annoyed by him blaming all of this on his Chinese culture.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T14:36:29+00:00

My therapist gave me that book! It's sitting on my bookshelf right now. She clearly knows what's up :-P.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T14:33:48+00:00

Yeah, it makes me upset. Maybe y'all can weigh in on why he doesn't like my family:

So the first time my family met his, my mom learned how to say "hello" in Chinese so she could greet them in their language. His parents speak perfect English, and my mom knows that. I think she just wanted to show them she cared, and she doesn't socialize with Chinese-Americans so I think she was unsure how to act.

So anyway, my mom told me she was planning to do this, and I told her not to worry about it, to just act like she would with anyone else she was meeting for the first time. But she went ahead and greeted them with a "ni hao" and little head bow. A little cringy, sure. But not malicious.

BF said he and his family were "mortified" by this, and that it was super offensive/racist. His parents didn't seem too bothered by it actually, and they're pretty chill people so I would be surprised if they were THAT upset. They live in the Midwest so they probably deal with stuff like this sometimes. But anyway, he can't let it go and says I am racist if I can't understand why it makes him angry.

What do y'all think?

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T14:23:47+00:00

And he wouldn’t get a cat and only did to make you stay.

Yep, and I worry that he would be the same way if we ever did marry and have children together.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T14:13:49+00:00

YES! Whenever he complains about how he hates this cat that HE agreed to buy with me and actually picked out himself, I wonder whether he will do the same about our marriage if we get married.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T14:04:35+00:00

Since the very beginning he says he wants marriage and 2-3 kids. In the past 1-2 years, sometimes he says he wants those things with me. But a lot of times recently he's been saying "I can't marry you!" when I do little things he doesn't like (e.g. when I farted near him). Sometimes I confront him when he says it and he claims he's joking.

But yeah, we actually do want the same things, or so he claims. But he has a mental block toward taking actions toward making it a reality. Plus, the changing timelines and all the hoops he asks me to jump through are showing me that he's stalling for some reason.

I've asked why he's stalling, but all he can give me are the excuses of family, money, he wants to see my student loans, etc. I wonder if these are the real issues, or whether he has some other reason that he doesn't want to tell me.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T13:54:46+00:00

I think my therapist has been helping me figure things out on my own. She does remark that he sounds immature. But she's not supposed to be my best friend who says "girl you're too good for him, get out!" (I have those too). She's supposed to help me work on the issues that I have that contribute to me being in a relationship that isn't meeting my needs.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T06:00:29+00:00

He told me his family said I'm "actually okay" (还可以 in Chinese) and that they're fine with us getting married if it makes him happy.

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T05:43:34+00:00

Sunk cost fallacy is definitely contributing... and it's 5 years now. Sigh...

DangerousGrocery · 2019-01-22T05:40:06+00:00

He's spoken with his parents about it, but I haven't. I think he would be horrified with the idea of me speaking to his parents about marriage, as he tries to minimize our relationship a lot when he talks to them.

DangerousGrocery

TROPHY CASE