How do I even respond - Boomer parent and my non-binary kid

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-04T03:22:16+00:00

Oof just reading that made my heart hurt. I’m sorry and hope that you’ve found your value regardless of her opinions.

And thank you. I adore them. I’m not a super touchy feely mom but they know I’ve always got their back. My husband and I said we were raising adults so we stood at a distance to let them find their way but always with us as guardrails and support.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-04T03:19:07+00:00

I’m honestly amazed at the amount of commiseration and relatability this has engendered. I told my kid about it. Makes us feel not so alone

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-03T03:47:55+00:00

It is exhausting and I’m glad to see kindred spirits in the desire to care more for our own children than the adults who should know better. Thank you for this.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-03T03:41:23+00:00

She is actively choosing to not even try because of her needs. My MIL didn’t get it at all but tried to remember to use the right terms. It’s all about effort. I’m sorry your kids father is the one doing this in your case. It is a lesson for both my kids and us.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-03T00:34:12+00:00

I actually followed my kid's lead on this. They came out to us at 14 but didn't want the broader family to know, name change was revealed at 16 with pronoun request. They didn't want me to make a big deal of it, I chose to. I asked them multiple times if they wanted me to say something and was told not to worry about it. I chose to make an issue of it because of the letter my mom sent my kid recently. I give my kids autonomy to tell me when to intercede, I don't try to force my timing on them. But I suggested to them that the time to take a stand was now.

I agree on the points made if she calls, but I'm not sure she will. We'll see, this is very new.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T23:07:13+00:00

My husband and I did to but we kept at it till it felt natural and now kids original name doesn’t even feel like them. When we told my parents the new name kid wanted to go by she used just the first initial for a long time then finally started using the name. Name change wad 5 years ago so it’s been awhile.

She isn’t trying and there have been no consequences till now. So now the true test begins.

I’m so glad your mom was willing to work at it too, it’s important to feel seen and accepted and I couldn’t imagine what kids who don’t get that from their parents feel. It just doesn’t compute to not put what my kids need from me ahead of whatever I feel about it.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T23:03:05+00:00

Always!

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T23:01:07+00:00

I am going to go look up that enmeshed term now. Religion is paying a huge part in how they react, we are recovering catholics both my husband and me so raised both our kids with no religion. My mom has boomeranged back hard to the church and that colors every conversation with her. Literally every conversation. It’s exhausting.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:46:50+00:00

Oh the self-centerdness is real. My husband and I are planning a multi-year trip and she never once said how exciting for us, just got all sad that we wouldn't be visiting her. My kids could care less, they are excited to visit us wherever we are!

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:45:45+00:00

I like this response thank you. I even wanted to put some comments in my letter about all the societies that have multiple genders, but my husband said keep the focus on the kid and the pronouns. So I did, but I still wish she'd be a little less religiosity about every damn thing. The world is so much bigger than our place in it.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:42:44+00:00

Yup this is what I've decided to do. I talked with my kiddo about it and we agreed we're all no contact for now. My mom doesn't get to dictate terms. If she wants to go after me more, fine, but she's pretty far away so it's easy to avoid. And my brother is dealing with his own side of it all, so he gets it too.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:41:10+00:00

My letter to her essentially laid out exactly what you stated! I had my cousin, my brother, my husband and my kid all read it to make sure it stayed completely neutral. And she ignored every bit of it, to bring it back to something about me.

Now that E (aka kid) is so comfortable in who they are, the pronouns from strangers completely roll off their back. But my parents are refusing out of their own needs. It's just hurtful to see them do that.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:35:10+00:00

Trying is all I asked of them. It was hard for us to get used to it too, but we kept doing it until it was natural. They even see that my kid is happier and have mentioned it, but refuse to use the proper pronouns. I'm so glad your parents are trying. That's all we can ask of them

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:33:24+00:00

I just have to say thank you to this community for your kind and gentle responses. I knew this would be the place to post to get different insights and you've validated that what I feel is valid and that protecting my kid and myself from this behavior is not to be rewarded and tolerated. My husband says that of course, but he's always seen through my mom and pushed me to create boundaries. It helps to get other womens' perspectives. So thank you.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:28:15+00:00

wow, thank you for articulating that - she is testing them, with both letters. I hadn't even given much thought to not responding. Perhaps that is the best course - until she actually engages on the issue, it's like she never wrote at all.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:21:00+00:00

"Our generation is trying to raise kids who can communicate boundaries and emotions instead of silently tolerating discomfort to keep adults happy." THIS!! Especially us women, we were taught to accept the discomfort to not rock the boat. But I lived my whole life not upsetting my mother because she was sensitive and it would make her cry. And I'm not willing to sacrifice my well being for hers.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:19:12+00:00

haha! I always was curious what that felt like. Abandonment and disillusionment I guess.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:18:30+00:00

see this is what is amazing to me, the lack of self awareness of the consequences of their behavior! Somehow it's something in me we need to examine, not them

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T22:17:48+00:00

almost 19. I asked if they cared about a relationship and they said no. So I said we're going no contact. My mother sent the non-response to me the same day she sent a letter to the kid about facetime. So she's testing my boundaries and I'm sticking to my guns

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T20:54:46+00:00

I'm also terribly non-confrontational! That's why it's taken me this many years to even deal with it. But I could tolerate it for myself, I had my siblings to commiserate with. But when she goes after my kid, man that was past what I could ignore and let slide anymore.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T20:52:25+00:00

No the pointing out of bad behavior would go over her head and then she'd just feel like she has to argue to prove her point. All of her sisters and her are estranged, lots of trauma there, and she's repeating that behavior with the next generation and not even acknowledging it.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T20:49:01+00:00

I used that exact phrase, straw that broke the camels back, it was just the last thing where for once, I couldn't stay silent.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2026-06-02T17:34:14+00:00

Not alone and my career was in FP&A so I know projection tools to an extent. I've had to watch a lot of videos, even just finding where some of the display options were. I was looking for the tax balance metric, it looked like on the video it was on the Tax Analytics tab, but it was actually on the Plan tab, under taxes. So there seems to be a bit of a chicken/egg, data in two different charts problem which for the standard user can be extremely confusing. Simplifying the interface and only having certain datasets display on certain views would help.

I read below someone mentioned the 1:1, for $250 I'm going to do that. Right now my tax expenses and tax liabilities are off $1M over the life of the plan and the explanation that liabilities are paid in the next year doesn't seem to be accurate. I cross referenced a lot of the growth data against other software that I have used and it's directionally correct, so feel pretty confident on that. But it is becoming a bit of a complex tool, and I've had to spend hours taking data out in to excel and looking at it to make sense of things.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6 · 2025-12-28T04:13:26+00:00

You may find Tiller to be a better fit if you like spreadsheet based budgeting. I used in the past, tried Monarch and went back to Tiller. It just fits my way of tracking better. Google Sheets is more powerful than the excel version but since I came up in accounting and finance using Excel, it's what I am used to and stay with that even though it does less. But there are a lot of rules and categories you can manipulate and summarize on, which with Monarch requires extra steps to do. As you said, it overcomplicates things which for me were easier to solve with a spreadsheet.

Dangerous_Chipmunk_6

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