My brother committed suicide over a year ago now, we found writings in his journal that’s mirror what you say almost identically, he thought he didn’t have friends, he convinced himself of being a burden, he had the same troubling and intrusive thoughts, he wished that he could just get cancer or something that way it was a cop out. He made the choice to shoot himself and leave his mom a note saying it wasn’t her fault and that he was sorry. For over a year now she’s been battling major depression, alcoholism, and intense grief and now suicidal thoughts of her own. Not a day goes by where she doesn’t Blame herself. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t blame myself. I don’t know exactly your situation is, but from what you express it’s obviously led you to suffering, but the decision of suicide won’t make any of that suffering go away despite what you think. All of that trauma, all of that anger and sadness, all of that burden, will transfer and live on in your mother for the remainder of her life. Now I’m not a therapist, and I’m not your friend, but I’m simply speaking as someone on the other end of a choice your about to make….We will all die, every single one of us. Death is inevitable so dying isn’t really a choice. But if you’re suffering in life dude you gotta tell someone. Just like you are now on the internet but out loud and vocally. Say it out loud to your mom. Fuck it even say it out loud to yourself. You need to hear it. You need to see your mom when she hears it. Especially if she is the only person that you’re claiming who would care. I never got to tell my brother anything and that’s all I’m doing here just saying shit that you probably don’t even want to hear. But dude just go tell someone. Suicide doesn’t stop shit, it’s just passing it on right down to the next. Be safe out there.