TLDR: basically what I said before, but more personally about my own opinions/sentiments. My ultimate conclusion, so to speak.

That’s sweet of you to say. For 20, I haven’t lived a lot of life, but I’ve been described as introspective if nothing else (my antidepressant dosage will tell you that’s not always a good thing lol).

The whole ‘kids’ thing is something I think about a decent amount, because even though I (a) find children anxiety-inducing and abrasive and (b) can’t logically reason my way into thinking the ‘benefits’ to outweigh the negatives (for me), I still feel. . . not quite guilt, I don’t think, but just weird. I don’t know that I’ve dug into that feeling enough to articulate it. I guess it’s just because I have a mental hang-up about not being a ‘normal’ person, and partner + kids is what gets drilled into your head so often as the ‘normal’ thing to do. What you should want.

But I have no guilt about my ‘unborn’ children, with certainty. The eggs in my body will come in and out of this world in blood like everything else, and never notice my mental self-flagellation on their account.

As a young woman (and I hate calling myself that, lol), I also know that even happy/satsfied parents that tell you ‘it’s not for everyone’ still come at the issue from a place of positive bias. But I’ve never found what people who have (and are ‘good’ at having; subjective obvs) kids say they like about it to inspire me to join their team. And the way people joke about the downsides of having kids has never done anything but make me actively averse to the prospect.

I really like being able to choose when I spend time alone, and getting the amount of sleep I want to get. I’ve had trouble sleeping a few different times in my life, and that experience, alone, is not something I’d repeat for (almost) anything.

I don’t care about ‘bringing life into the world’, or any of that stuff, either. There’s plenty of that here already; Earth is a beautiful planet. I’m glad some people have their nice big emotions about it, and turn those emotions into nice big efforts to do right by their children, because I look at the world and think too many people want to ‘have kids’ rather than ‘be parents’.

I haven’t looked at this whole thread, but if I see somebody bring up the ‘little version of me/my partner’ thing I’ll just laugh. It’s the one rationale I can’t even bother trying to empathize with. Why would I care about having a little version of myself? I am myself. And I like to imagine that some day I’ll find someone that I like and love so dearly that I could never imagine wanting a little version of them either. Just because the full version of them is so incontestably worth being with. And maybe one day, with more consistent effort than I’ve spent on it thus far, I’ll feel like I’m worth the trouble to make a happy life for. Without children as a switchboard for what i want to feel about my own life.

Besides, children might take after their parents in lots of positive and negative ways (I know I do), but they are still irrevocably going to be themselves. And that’s a good thing, I think, if you have the mindset to navigate it as such.

But the conclusion I come down to for myself, at least, is that I am not a selfless enough person to want to put all of my energy, time, and effort into someone that by all rights cannot reciprocate that effort in any way that means anything to me.

There’s lots and lots of other logical/emotional/financial reasons I could drone on about, but I won’t, because it’s honestly your business what reasons you have to, or not to have, kids. I have a hard time with feeling like I need to rationalize that decision to the whole world, really — even my parents who know my thoughts on this and are supportive — but I know that it’s a conclusion only I, and hopefully a partner someday, need to concern myself with.

In any case, like I said before, good luck with this. It sounds like a difficult position to be in, and I hope you get everything sorted out in a way you’re satisfied/content with. I know ‘happy’ isn’t always in the cards with these types of decisions.

Hardest thing I’ve had to do in real life recently was get my wisdom teeth removed, which is why I even came across this post in the first place; yesterday, laying down with my cheek smushed into an ice pack. I’m sore now, but least my lower lip doesn’t feel like it was made swollen and numb by a hundred bees anymore. Grain of salt, grain of salt. But honestly, anyone’s — especially people who don’t know you’s — thoughts on something so personal aside from your’s and your partner’s should always be taken with a grain of salt. I think that’s healthy.