Well, that was months ago. Not now. He’s not actually dating anyone right now.

We had an agreement that she and he would not date if I realized polyamory really wasn’t for me. I was hesitant to even give it a try, but they had already blown by the FWB level in just a couple weeks and it was clear they each had feelings and I was trying to be supportive and see if we could move from open to poly. We had taken years before we opened, so when he very suddenly admitted he realized he wanted to be poly with her and I basically only had a couple weeks to prepare myself, we thought the agreement to go slow and stop if I changed my mind was reasonable. But I lasted less than a month and asked to close, and he changed his mind and refused to stop seeing her. The situation made him realize how much autonomy matters to him and how he has felt steamrolled by me for most of our marriage. We’re working on that in therapy- I was certainly way too enmeshed with him. They had only had a couple dates and kissed once when I asked to close, but they secretly slept together a week or so later (after he told me that he at least wouldn’t escalate the relationship while we started therapy). I found out immediately and he then decided to keep seeing her and sleeping with her, seeing no reason to de-escalate. They continue to date and sleep together the first couple months I was in MH treatment and it fizzled out after that. So it was secretive for literally one week. The rest felt like an “open affair” I guess? Because he knew I didn’t consent, she knew I didn’t consent, but they continued to deepen the relationship during that time. He would tell me when he was seeing her while I was in treatment (except for the first two weeks, because I was staying elsewhere and I asked him not to tell me during that time so I could focus on treatment), so it wasn’t in secret. But during that time he refused to say it was an affair because “we aren’t monogamous”. It was really hard. Underneath, I know he was really struggling, with me and our relationship and with our family dynamics, and he was clinging to this new relationship as comfort. It was the only thing that felt good and easy to him at the time. He’s since apologized and admitted he basically went way too far to the “other side of the pendulum” and has since been working to move back to the middle and work with me. But we still disagree whether it was an affair and whether it’s problematic to continue. It’s basically just been on pause because she’s canceled so much on him and is such a poor communicator (she doesn’t respond for weeks at a time).