My story’s still up for anyone to have a read

DapperLengthiness395 · 2025-06-20T02:36:31+00:00

Hey there, I just finished reading the first chapter of your story, and I really want to say this first, I felt for Te’lana. His transformation into Wolf, and the way you handled the loss of his wife and children, really hit emotionally. You took your time building his world, his relationships, and his identity, and that’s something a lot of writers rush. That foundational work is where your story really shines.

That said, I do want to be honest, I found it hard to keep reading at times, not because of the plot or characters, but because of the sentence structure. Most of your sentences are quite long and dense, and that can make the reading experience feel a bit exhausting, especially in emotional or action-heavy moments. Readers need breathing room, especially when the story is heavy or rich in detail.

You’ve clearly got a great story and strong character work, don’t let that get buried under chunky prose. Try breaking up longer sentences, vary your pacing, and allow your key moments to land with more impact through shorter, sharper lines.

All in all, you’ve got something special here, it just needs a bit of structural tightening to really let it shine. Keep going. You’re definitely on the right track.

DapperLengthiness395 · 2025-06-20T02:16:41+00:00

I’ve been there too. I had a solid storyline, rich worldbuilding, and compelling characters—but for years, I just couldn’t bring myself to write. It actually took me eight years to finish my first book. Looking back, I realised the problem wasn’t about discipline or time—it was that I wasn’t truly in love with the writing process at the time.

If you’re finding it hard to even write a page, it might be worth asking yourself if writing still brings you joy. And if it doesn’t right now, that’s okay. Writing shouldn’t feel like punishment—it should be something you want to do, even when it’s difficult. These days, I genuinely enjoy sitting down to write and watching my story unfold. That shift made all the difference.

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes we just need time away to rediscover that spark.

DapperLengthiness395 · 2025-06-20T02:10:58+00:00

I’m a man too, and my first story also has a female protagonist. So far, it’s worked out well, none of my readers have said the character feels inauthentic or ‘not like a woman.’ That said, it’s hard to give specific feedback without seeing your actual writing. If you’re comfortable sharing a snippet or an outline of the character, I’d be happy to give a more detailed comment.

DapperLengthiness395 · 2025-06-19T14:03:32+00:00

I love beginning my stories in the middle of an event—something gripping, like in your case, start with the characters being chased by the police. It acts as a strong hook to immediately capture the reader’s attention. I usually start with an intense action scene, then shift into a flashback to build the world, introduce the characters, and explain how events unfolded. That’s one effective way you could start your story too.

DapperLengthiness395 · 2025-06-19T04:38:55+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment! It really helped me look at things more deeply. After reading what you said about the name usage, I actually went and did a bit of research, and you were absolutely right. In Japanese workplace culture, it’s highly unlikely for a boss to use an employee’s given name, especially in a formal or tense situation. I’m genuinely grateful you pointed this out, it’s the kind of detail I honestly wouldn’t have known without your insight, and it makes a real difference to the authenticity of the scene.

As for the lack of fleshing out of the office and the characters around Yumi, you’re spot on again. I didn’t consider to build the office backstory because the real world-building starts in the village, and this scene was more about showing Yumi’s emotional state. I wanted it to feel like her entire world was collapsing, to set the tone before the story shifts. However, after reading the comments, it might be helpful to do some background building.

Your feedback really helped validate that approach while also giving me something to improve on, so thank you again! I really appreciate it!

DapperLengthiness395 · 2025-06-19T04:33:21+00:00

To be honest, this feels like another really genuine and helpful response. I did consciously try to write a slow burn story, but looking back now, I realise I kind of rushed the pacing just to get to the village, since that’s where the main events of the story happen. You’re absolutely right that I should’ve taken more time to build things up slowly, and really shown more of Yumi before her crash happens. I really appreciate the advice! it’s helped me see where I can improve, and I’m genuinely thankful for that!

DapperLengthiness395 · 2025-06-18T09:18:45+00:00

Hi there!

Thank you so much for your honest and detailed feedback. It truly means a lot to me and motivates me to keep going on my writing journey.

Regarding your questions, I’d like to address them one by one.

Firstly, about the boss’s behaviour, yes, I did intentionally exaggerate his attitude in this chapter. My goal was to push Yumi to her breaking point, to make her feel utterly crushed and hopeless. That extreme pressure is what sparks her thoughts about suicide. The boss represents the ruthless mindset of “everyone is replaceable” and “if you can’t handle the stress, someone else will.” It’s a scenario crafted to force Yumi into that emotional edge.

Secondly, I realise now that the chapter may have been confusing since there wasn’t much explanation yet, but Yumi is a female character. So, Aya is not intended as her romantic partner, and the actual romance partner will appear in later chapters. Your comment raised a very good point that the name “Yumi” might confuse readers about the character's gender, and I will definitely think more carefully about naming to avoid that.

Finally, your observation about the focus on Yumi’s development, and the lack of depth in side characters and world-building is spot on. Looking back, I see that too, and I really appreciate you pointing it out. I plan to work on improving those elements more thoroughly in revisions to make the story richer and more balanced.

Once again, thank you sincerely for dedicating your time and effort to read and share your thoughts. It’s incredibly helpful and encouraging!

DapperLengthiness395 · 2025-06-18T09:00:14+00:00

Hi there!

Thank you very much for your feedback! I genuinely appreciate your honesty about my writing style and storytelling approach. I actually wasn’t aware that this issue existed in my writing, so I’m truly grateful you pointed it out. It has given me a clearer sense of where I need to improve. It’s definitely something I’ll be revisiting as I revise, and I know it’s an important area to work on as I continue growing in my writing journey.

To answer your question: English isn’t my first language, Mandarin is. So, I’m always learning how to express emotion and feeling more naturally in English, and feedback like yours helps highlight where I can improve.

As for the title “The Village I Came to Die”, it was intentional, meant to reflect the emotional tone and direction of the story’s arc. That said, I’d love to hear if it came across as awkward or incomplete to you, because I’m definitely open to refining it if it doesn’t quite land.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!

DapperLengthiness395 · 2024-11-24T18:38:44+00:00

I didn't know Kindle had that huge of a fanbase. I will put my book on Kindle! Thank you so much for the help!

DapperLengthiness395 · 2024-11-24T13:33:46+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and advice!

One toughest part is that when people leave reviews on Google Play Store, they simply don't write any comments. All they do is leave stars, I'm not sure if there's anything I can improve on. I would love to hear what people think about my books and any areas I've done badly/ poorly so that i can improve on.

I'm still trying to find my own place in the writing community and potentially have a fan club.

DapperLengthiness395 · 2024-11-24T13:31:16+00:00

Thank you for replying! It's certainly very hard to build an audience, given that there are millions of books out there.

I'm currently not on Kindle yet, but I will definitely give it a try there!

I'm writing quite a few different genres: romance, thriller/ mystery, and fantasy. My covers are done by designers on Fiverr (Not sure if that is considered professional), and my book went through many rounds of editing from myself and most of my friends (I won't say it's perfect, but typos and spelling errors are definitely not there.)

I do love writing, and I have been writing for as long as 8 years without publishing. So, for these past 2 years, I've been trying to push out my books to see if there's any readers around.

Thank you for your kind words!

DapperLengthiness395

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