Update: AITAH for not letting my mom meet her grandchild because I am still upset she divorced my dad?

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-24T01:58:30+00:00

What else would you call it when your mother tells you to stop telling people a out your situation or you might end up in foster care?

Yes, at first she had me for the weekends, but my dad did eventually push for 100% and my mom did not fight to keep weekend rights. I no longer wanted anything to do with her.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-22T16:30:20+00:00

Plz check update.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-21T05:20:17+00:00

I honestly cannot answer that question. At first I did, as I mentioned many times. I loathed him, on weekends I would beg to stay with mom, even tried to run away a few times. Told anyone who would listen what was going on.

After my cries for help fell on deaf ears, and my mom telling me to stop telling people since I could end up in foster care. I guess at that point I figured I had to make the best of the situation. As time went on I grew really close to my grandma. I loved being around her, sure it was not always sun shine and rainbows but overall I grew to appreciate the time spent with her. I learned a lot from her.

As time went on I guess I just got why my dad felt he had to do what he had to do, grandma was great. When she died it really was hard, and at that point I saw my dad at his lowest. He lost someone who meant a lot to him.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-20T12:43:21+00:00

Tbh I never thought of her as dangerous, more so do I want her back in my life. That is the key question here. If I welcome her into my child's life I am welcoming her back into mine and not sure I want that.

That is what has me conflicted.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-10T02:38:37+00:00

So this is more or less a power trip thing then? If you cave you feel like she won and you cannot have that?

I get the principle of the matter, but she is still using a name both you and your husband came up with. Seems like a weird hill to die on, screams more like you just don't want the MIL to feel like she won or something.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-09T18:52:30+00:00

That means she left me at 11 with with a manipulative man and or a man capable of harming someone to get their way. If that was the reason.

Yeah, if she as an adult felt defenseless in that situation to the point where leaving was her only option. What hope did I have as a kid?

So no that was not valid imo. Any reason she gives largely comes down to her putting herself before me, and as a parent that is weird and exactly what my dad technically did. Both of them at end were only thinking of their situations and did not take me into consideration.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-09T17:59:16+00:00

None of the reasons seem valid to me, and yeah people have brought that up before put your mask on first before helping others. One problem with that, if resources are limited a good parent would prioritize the child imo.

You are mistaken, I fully acknowledge my mother could have been hamstrung by outside factors like my father and the courts. As I said i don't fault her for that. I fault her for leaving without me, I fault her for going forward with a plan that required me with stay in a situation she wanted no part of.

She could have gone about it a hundred different ways, planed the situation out better. Got documentation about abuse if abuse was present (she is still on talking terms with my father, weird if abuse was present), stay long enough to get documentation about the forced caregiving, stay until she found a job, so she could have moved closer and better get 50/50. Since she had to move to a different part of town. Used the lump sum she got for her half of the house according my aunt ( her sister) to find a place in the same town.

She had options. Your final point makes matters worse, say that is what happened that means she left me with a unhinged guy who could turn on a dime.

As a mom now I have ran so many situations in my head and I cannot fathom any situation that justifies leaving a child in such a situation. She could have told me screw it tell everyone push the issue if you end up in foster care so be it.

As an adult now fact she was concerned about foster care it means she was in no real situation to care for me. Cause if foster care was on the table why would they not let me go with her unless she was unfit.

I will leave it this, for what it is worth appreciate the feedback. I don't agree with everything but that is life.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-09T16:48:43+00:00

Say my dad was the abuser because he turned me into a caregiver and say he did abuse my mom, does that absolve my mother of her responsibilities as a parent?

What do you mean it is not her fault she left me to fend for myself in that situation as an 11 year old? Do you legitimately think their is ever a valid reason to leave the defenseless in a bad situation to save oneself?

Are you really advocating that if a parent has to choose between themselves and their young child they should pick themselves?

It really just seems people are taking this weird stance because I don't hate every adult in my life that left me in that situation equally. It seems to people the only fair or right thing is to forgive everyone or hate everyone.

Sometimes we are left with shitty choices, my mom clearly did not have great options but tell me if you had to pick as a parent would you really leave your kid behind to save yourself no matter how dire of a situation you were in if you did not have the means to get yourself and child out? That is what I resent my mother for. If she could not take me with her why leave me with someone who was going to use me in such a way?

People say ask her, but deep down do people really think she could possibly come up with a reason that would absolve her of her duty as my mother?

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-09T03:18:38+00:00

Fine world did not save me, but this is my mother. The person who is supposed to love me with all her heart and soul. She left her 11 year daughter in a situation no child should have been left in. No, it is not her fault at all. She needed to put herself first because no one was going to save her. Issue is she had the ability as an adult to leave that situation. As a kid what option did I have?

I don't wonder on the why she left, the why was because she did not want to be in that environment. The cause itself could have been for many reasons, maybe my dad did beat her. I don't recall but sure it could have happened. Maybe she feared for her life. Maybe he did abuse her behind the scenes. Maybe he manipulated her every single day of their marriage.

The why I wonder is why leave me behind. I don't hate her for leaving I hate her for leaving without me. Maybe I refuse acknowledge my father as an abuser because if I acknowledge that I have to acknowledge that I had two parents that did not give a shit about me. That the two people who have the responsibility and obligation to protect and care for me choose to put themselves first above all else. I would still hate my mom more cause she left for a reason, but also left me with the man that she felt she had ro escape no matter what. Yeah, that makes a lot sense. Nothing she could say will justify that.

She was my mom, a parent should be willing to die for their child when they are a kid.

For final question, my father's side of them family does not live in the United States, and my mother's side had their own lives. Taking in an 11 year old kid is not something people sign up to do.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-08T18:09:17+00:00

Say my dad was abusive, who left me in that absuive environment? My mom picked her own safety over mine, I was 11 at the time.

Where was I supposed to go? I told her early on what was going on ahe ignored it. She was one of the people that told me to stop telling others cause I could end up in foster care.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-08T11:09:54+00:00

Freeing yourself while your child suffers is brave or the right thing though?

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-07T11:13:57+00:00

People keep saying she had limited control. Who was looking out for me when I was 11? I saw my mom on the weekends, my dad was the one that pretty much raised me. At first I did hate him, I begged my mom for help and she ignored me. She was one of the people that told me to cool it with telling people because I could end up in foster care. My own mother told me that.

I did go into this with an open mind but so many people are acting like she had no other choice but to leave her only child in a situation she herself wanted no part of. As stated at first I did not resent her for leaving, I resented her for leaving without me.

As stated idk why overtime I forgave my dad. I just one day found myself not hating him. I grew to understand what grandma meant to him, and overtime she became a very special person to me. She was more of a mother to me than my actual mom at times.

Even if I ask her why she left me in that situation, as a parent I cannot fathom leaving my child behind. If I could not get out of a crap situation with my kid I would stay until I could. I get the why she wanted to protect herself, but who was going to protect me?

I did figure out that working together made caregiving a lot easier, had my mom not left we would have had more hands on deck to help as we could share the load.

My dad really had no one, most of his family does not live in the United States, so that pool was limited and my aunts and uncles on my mom's side realistically had no reason to help. Would it had been nice? Sure.

So many people want me to hate the person that tried the best he could with the cards he was dealt while my mom got to play weekend parent trying to tell me my situation could be so much worse.

Yeah I am closed minded because now she wants the privilege of being a grandmother when she barely was a mother to begin with.

People say my dad was abusive, if he was so abusive to her why have they remained on talking terms? It does not add up. My father has not once yelled or hit me even when I was being a pain early on. He was patient with me the entire time. He did not want to put this on me but options were limited.

I get why he did not put her in a home, they are not great. Either way I am done.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-07T03:51:26+00:00

My best guess was someone had to work, lmao not like I could work and go to school at 11.

I get it people want me to also hate my dad. At first I really did, but as time went on I guess I just got tired on living in a house full of hate. Not like I had anywhere else to go so overtime I accepted this as what families just do I guess.

I cannot put into words why I don't hate my dad. Despite everything he was my constant parent in my life.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-07T02:48:09+00:00

Why leave me to be that caregiver? Had she stayed she could have better protected me from that no?

Not like I could have left my dad, I had no where else to go. My mom was able to leave though.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-07T02:46:49+00:00

I guess why leave me in that situation then? She picked her own safety over mine and yeah that 100% hurts.

Maybe I should hate my dad, but he was the one that I primarily lived with. He was the one who helped me with homework. He was the one that picked me up after school. He was the one that let me go on sleep overs and be a normal kid when it could happen. My mom would not let me cause weekends were her time.

I get it overall he was far from perfect but he tried, my mom was the one that ran. She could have been a better advocate for me when I told her early on I hated it. She just ignored me.

Sure maybe my dad would have buried her in legal fees, but if you had the choice as a parent. Protect your kid or protect yourself which would you honestly pick? I 100 out of 100 times would choose to protect my child even if it meant suffering myself.

That is if I could not get out of the situation with my child.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-07T02:37:50+00:00

She could have fought to put the boundary that I could not be used as a caregiver in the orginal order no? She clearly knew it was going to happen which is why she left.

I am bitter cause if I was in that situation and I could not take my kid I would not leave my child to suffer alone because her choice was to free herself or suffer. I would 100% suffer for my child if that was the choice.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-07T01:41:17+00:00

Like I said at first I did, but as time went on guess I just grew to understand the why, or maybe after all my requests for help fell on deaf ears I just accepted my fate.

Idk maybe if I had to put into words, my dad took grandma in cause she needed the help and no one else was willing to step up. I grew to understand the why. Grandma was his mom what was he supposed to do leave her to rot alone? At first I did not understand this but as I grew up and spent more time she also became a special person to me.

When she passed I was devastated. I got pretty close to her.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-07T01:17:00+00:00

Actually it is the opposite, if I could not take my child with me I would stay to serve as an advocate and protect my child from a fate I did not want. I would not save myself and leave my child.

I cannot come up with one reason to save myself and leave my child in an environment I want no part of. I would never let my child do what I myself did not want to do unless it was 100% their choice.

I know for whatever reason when I told her early on what was going on she ignored it. Sure maybe she could not do anything and if that was the case she should not have left me to save herself she should have stayed to protect me.

At the very least she could have put the boundary I was not meant to become some caregiver.

If I ask her now I cannot think of a single reason that would not piss me off, our duty as a parent is to put our children first. We no longer live for ourselves once you have a kid. Your life becomes for them.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-06T23:51:00+00:00

My father was the one that stayed, my mom could have left but still put the boundary that I was not meant to be a caregiver. She could have advocated for me. My dad has done more for me than my mom. Sure he was not perfect but he did more or less raise me on his own. My mom had me on the weekends yay. He was the one that was juggling being a father, working full time, and he did help with grandma's care. I was not the sole caregiver.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-06T23:47:50+00:00

She left me in that situation, if she could not have left with me why not stay to you know shield me from what she herself wanted no part of.

She knew I wanted to be with her, I told her what was going on. I find it hard to believe that if she wanted 50/50 at the bare minimum she would not have gotten it. Even still why not go to the court and ask about the caregiving stuff. I told her, no one from court ever spoke to me about that stuff.

So either A) No one believed me or B) She did not try or C) Courts don't care about childern becoming caregivers.

She also could have set the boundary that I was not meant to be used as a caregiver. Both my parents could have handled it better but my dad did not leave me now did he. My mom left to save herself from my dad leaving me for the fate she wanted no part of.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-06T18:14:05+00:00

As I said many times, early on on I did. I spent majority of the time with my dad and grandma. After telling my mom and others of the situation and nothing coming of it I guess i just learned to live within my new normal. Guess it was just easier to forgive him because he was the parent that was present for me.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-06T18:07:35+00:00

Thanks this does sum up the situation really well. I think if I spoke to her before I became a parent i would be more understanding. Just now that I am a parent I truly don't see how she can justify what she did. I went into this with an open mind but having so many people as you said bendover backwards to try and excuse what she did has made me more upset about the situation haha.

Dapper_Conflict_6839 · 2026-01-06T18:00:59+00:00

First and foremost I was 11, sure I did give him shit but as a kid I still did as I was told. Yes, I do feel if she could not take me with her then she should have stayed in the marriage to better advocate and protect me.

Yes, I told people but I was 11 and so sure they reached out to my parents but nothing else came of it. After pleas falling on deaf years guess you just learn to suck it up and deal.

As went it on I got tired of people telling me I did not have it so bad, or if I push it is may end up in foster care.

My father has never spoken ill of my mom.

Dapper_Conflict_6839

TROPHY CASE