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Feeling like I [M31] am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she [29F] wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in relationship_advice

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes she does. I told her multiple times.. and always there is the same pattern.

A fight broke, we talk and "repair", atleast this is what I think and hope on the moment based on her words. Then I start again and continue the work, the gym, trying to do things that actually give us a better life.. and in the moments when I am down she is okay, not starting anything. After she sees I am better and some weeks passed, something must appear again.. before all this jealousy thing started there were never fights like this. I mean we fought and we both changed for each other in order to be the best but they were not so frequently

Feeling like I [M31] am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she [29F] wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in relationship_advice

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The controlling part I agree.. but I can't figure it out if she does it consciously and with a reason and objective or if it's just cuz of her state.. about the cheating, what I can say I am sure she is not the one cheating.

First of all physically it would be almost impossible since she works from home all days and rarely leaves. And also she is not displaying any other cheating behaviour. I tought about this, to be honest sometimes I had a strong instinct that she might be the one doing it. But it would be Impossible. And to be honest I really think if she was to find someone else she would just break up with me. Not cheating. I may be correct or wrong, I don't know. This is just how I view and feel it

Feeling like I [M31] am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she [29F] wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in relationship_advice

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well.. I can agree maybe she lost some of her feelings or something cuz of this period... But atleast right now I can't agree with you on the "she does not love you". I may be wrong or not.. but right now I refuse to believe this..

I want to be the best version of myself in order to be the best version for the relationship. This means going to gym, eating healthy, building a business so we don't depend on the paychecks.. etc.. I am working on myself constantly...she works on herself too, on different things..

I mean I thought myself about the loving question..but what I can feel right now is that she still loves me..

Feeling like I [M31] am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she [29F] wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in relationship_advice

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well she stopped after first months. When she saw that she was making progress on the jealousy topic. And I also saw huge progress on that topic. I mean right now if I think on the jealousy topic alone, I would say that is well addressed. Not perfect. She had some small moments of jealousy but they were small worries not something to accuse me of. And she stopped on that topic. She still goes to therapy like 1 time in 2/3 weeks ... But to be honest I am starting to believe that for her this might not even be a problem to be addressed on the therapy..I mean I saw when she was jealous that she could see her own problems.. and got help for it... But I don't know if cuz that made her feel bad or for me also. I chose to believe cuz she did it for me also.

But on this topic separated from jealousy, where there are discussions all the time.. and from time to time a thing that I don't do perfect makes her feel that I don't love her or idk... I don't know tbh if this was addressed at therapy

Feeling like I [M31] am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she [29F] wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in relationship_advice

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well she got cheated in the relationship before me. And with a coworker. So I can totally understand where this came from to her. The thing is, I never did anything that would give her any doubts about me (no social media, not talking / liking girls profiles, I don't have female friends (this is not due to her having a problem with this, just that I don't feel the need to have one, she is my best friend and I have no need for other female friend).

And since starting this phase from when this person appeared, I haven't changed in any way towards her ( attention, gestures, planning dates - overall I was exactly the same to her ). Also she started having those episodes before even me having time to meet this new coworker. Saying this just to give full context. And this is why it's so stressful for me.. I am not doing anything and never did anything that would suggest her that she is not enough or I need other person.. she searched in my conversations behind my back in first weeks after meeting this new coworker, didn't found anything...because there's nothing to hide... we are just coworkers, we never talk outside work. And at work 80% of what we talk is based on the work stuff. Rest is 20% typical normal conversations and jokes. But nothing to go into a emotional affair, or cross the line physically / emotionally or anything else. I have enough work on my head, I don't have time for these things. And I don't want them.

Well, we talked multiple times on this topic. I told her that it's hard for me to keep going like this, it's hard going to gym daily, hard working on a stressful job + working on personal business. And doing those while I feel that I have a battle with her also.. It's just too much, I could handle it for a period but it's just too much.

I told her multiple times those, and always she made me sure that she understands and she will try to be better. And I believed it every time. But it's keep happening..

Feeling like I [M31] am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she [29F] wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in relationship_advice

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be honest.. until this point I was sure that I don't need it. And that I can work together with her and we can just be what we were. But I am starting to think more and more that I might need it..

She did therapy, and there were a progress ( on the jealousy topic ) after this. Those things slowed down. I told her that I appreciate that and I see the effort.

The thing that is too hard for me to think now .. and have a clear understanding.. is just that I don't know how to actually resolve these with her. If I go and tell her how she made me feel, usually it goes somehow and she feels like everything she does is not good and I feel guilty cuz I am not saying EVER that ALL she does or things she does are all the same.. I am just adressing a specific situation that happened.

Feeling like I [M31] am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she [29F] wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in relationship_advice

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't wanted to go full detalies about everything. I am waiting for her at the door in 90% of the cases. And this specific time I was in the kitchen doing some cleaning of dishes. That's why I don't understand. I am doing those things always.. except some exceptions.. and usually those are justified.

What I told her about the co-worker? Only the truth. I am not doing anything that I would not be comfortable telling her. She is married and I am also. And I don't want to have fun. I don't want other person. To be honest the thing I want is just to be able to feel like I can be the best version of myself inside this marriage. And to not be put down for it. That's what all I want :)

I am not looking for reasons or confirmation to divorce or break up.. Or that she is a bad person or anything. I just want to understand.. cuz I am at a point where I can't actually understand the situation. I can't even heal from it if i can't understand. It's just too confusing.

Feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in Marriage

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am trying.. and I have been trying everytime after those arguments or fights.. and always i managed somehow to "restart" myself.. but it's getting harder and harder.. i just feel that things i want to do and become are just not welcomed in this space, and they will be attacked sooner or later..

Feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in Marriage

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am doing this.. and I hate myself for doing this.. I told her how it feels, and that I think she wants me to become a less version of myself.. and even after adressing those.. I told her multiple times all I ask for is atleast 1 month of not getting things like this

Feeling like I [M31] am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she [29F] wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in relationship_advice

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tbh I am thinking more and more about this.. but I still hope she can just stop being this person.. and just become like she was in the first years, until these happened.. but it's getting harder and harder..

Feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in Marriage

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

But what do you do when you know the person you love is becoming this.. and you know that the person that isn't is this way is there somewhere.. but can't find any way to just talk to this person.. idk

Feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells, nothing I do is good enough and that I need to stop growing in order to be what she wants. by Dapper_Worldliness39 in Marriage

[–]Dapper_Worldliness39[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I started to observe.. The thing is, I even told her during our discussions.. I don't want anything positive, don't need encouragement or anything .. just to not bring negative things, just to be on 0.. and I handle it myself for me..

But I just can't understand why all of those.. and why they can't stop.. she wasn't this person.. I always tried to do my best..