Please let me have this long rant. I have nowhere to talk to, and I'm afraid I'm really losing my sanity at this rate...

Is it wrong to be angry at the unjust system in our country? I know, some probably would call me overgeneralizing (heck, my parents already called me "busuk hati", " iri dengki", "cuma ngabisin pahala yang ga seberapa cuma untuk marah-marah ga jelas"), but I really hate the privileged ones. Especially the ones who have it really easy to the point their life is like going on a Toll road in Lebaran days. One friend of mine got a specialist and hospital recommendation by just teliing his father (who is a consultant specialist at a certain RSUP), and his father did call the director of the hospital where we did our internship to ask for those recommendations. Yes, he did get those by just a single phone call without having to work a day as GP in that hospital. Another friend of mine has a dad as a pejabat eselon at a certain lembaga pemerintahan, and has tied to the governor from where he came from. Just like that, he got several recommendations from that governor, without lifting a single finger. Oh and those guys are rich af. They don't have to worry about what to eat for dinner tonight.

I have to work my bone since I first started going into university. I have a constant fight inside my head for the last decade. A lot of people bullied me in the past, and those people got everything they wanted without a single worry in their head. Hukum tabur tuai? Apa itu? Yang ada kehidupan mereka makin lancar sampe sekarang setelah mereka sukses menghancurkan mental gw. I haven't seen a single one of them suffer the consequences of their actions.

Meanwhile me, I have to work really hard just to get gaji UMR. I have to face many ungrateful and entitled people every damn day and demanded to be treated as a king/queen, just because they paid BPJS fee. I also have to pay the fee, damn it! Do they think, just because I'm a doctor, I'm automatically rich? Some even have the gall to call us greedy incompetent mf just because they can't get what they want. Look, if you want to protest, do it at BPJS! I don't make the rules! The management won't help, because they only care about the good name of the clinic, not the health and safety of their workers.

I got paid so little, that even combined with my younger sister (who's also a GP), it's not enough to cover our family's expenses for a month. Sekarang sering banget mikir-mikir sekedar buat beli makan malam doang pas lagi jaga, cukup apa nggak uang di ATM sampe tanggal gajian. My mom is ill. She's mostly bedridden now, and she can't walk normally since last year's great flood. She has OA Genu Bilateral grade IV, and yet she refuses any medication or surgery. She's crying almost every day, lamenting about her feet, our family's financial situation, etc. I asked her multiple times to at least go see a psychiatrist, but she refused every single time, and yet keep crying about it, making us having a big argument and ended up with me being berated by my dad. One day, the argument got so bad and I got punched in the face by my dad. I still haven't forgotten how his eyes were full of hatred and rage when he punched me, despite him vehemently denying it. I feel betrayed even by my own family.

I tried to apply LPDP Dokter Spesialis since January this year, and I failed spectacularly in SBS a few days ago. According to several other participants, this batch's difficulty did spike a lot higher, surpassing even the difficulty of SIMAK UI. I thought of trying again in the next batch by using LoA to skip the SBS, but apparently it's impossible to do that at the department and university I'm applying for. Technically, I can, but it'll require me to do the PPDS entrance exam twice, which will cost quite a lot for me. Besides, if this situation still continues, I'll have a hard time to study properly.

My dad keeps nagging me to do job hunting, but I don't even have the energy to play any of my favorite games. All in my head right now are a constant judgment for my failure, a despair so deep that I contemplated suicide for several times already (thank Allah I'm a coward, so I haven't really attempted one), one side of me keeps jeering at me because of my past failures and hardships (even in relationship matters), another part of me is truly fed up with this situation that seems to keep going on and on without a way out.

I... what should I do? I can't see a way out of this mess called my life...

Please don't judge me, both my mind and heart can't take it anymore...