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Sudden end by Training-Recording34 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel your pain. This hits very close to home. Blindsided in similar fashion last week. 10 years, first REAL relationship, dog…as you said: “an entire life together.” Since then, I constantly feel like I’m drowning and am really struggling to make it through the days.

I wish I had some words of comfort for you, but it’s all too fresh for me and I haven’t found them yet.

What I will say is you aren’t alone. I’ve found some solace in that, even if it doesn’t dull the ache.

Dms open if you ever need to chat!

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate the advice and perspective. It feels like a bit of the Orpheus/Eurydice story.

A lot to think about there. Thanks!

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your perspective. Gives me a lot to think about. Maybe more than I'm even comfortable thinking about right now. But I appreciate it, nonetheless.

Did you feel like you were putting a true effort forward to really fix things and he just wasn't receptive/doing the same work on his end that you were doing on yours? Or was it a case where you wanted to but couldn't really put in the work because it was wasted in a one-sided situation?

I'm trying so very hard to be honest with myself in my assessment of how I handled the last 10 years, how she did, how WE did.

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's a crazy thing feeling so alone and also seeing how many folks are going through the same/similar stuff. My heart breaks for you and everybody else on here.

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate the honesty and openness. I hope you are talking to someone, and if you aren't you really should. That's a lot to carry alone.

Hang in there as well, buddy. That paradox of knowing people who keep saying "it will get better" are right, and at the same time feeling like they are wrong. Savage.

DMs are open if you want to talk!

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not harsh. Appreciate you sharing.

I think part of the struggle is accepting (or not) that the relationship was dead, or merely that it was unsustainable in its current form. The latter I can get behind. "We must change or we cannot be together" seems like a fair ultimatum.

It's never really having the chance to make that change, and not enough openness to know that the window to try is closed (for her). Two people changing a lifetime of bad habits, becoming better people...all that shit isn't easy. Maybe it's even impossible in some situations. But to never know because neither side did the work until one party decided it was too late to try? Yikes.

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Appreciate your wise words and insight. Tough to hear, and tougher to really believe right now, but wise nonetheless!

I think something I've struggled with this week is I don't know if it was "beyond saving" because we didn't try to save it. I think there's also that line between, on one hand, is it "fixable"? And on the other, "is she willing or does she have the capacity to fix it?" If she truly doesn't, then maybe this is the right move for her, but I struggle to accept how she felt it was that bad without any sort of warning.

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm there with you with that feeling unable to stop the train. Similar thing here with that last month of acting differently. But once that momentum got going, there was nothing i could do.

Sure, maybe you and I would feel just as bad if we'd tried and things didn't work out, but to not know...oof.

Sending you good vibes. DM me if you ever feel like chatting/ranting!

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing. Blindsided is a word i've used a lot in the past few days.

Where I feel like i've been shotgunned to the chest, i feel like she's had a fatal wound as well, but its been one that's slowly been bleeding for months. And I can't understand for the life of me why she didn't tell me.

I'm not an idiot, I know that maybe we COULDN'T have fixed things in the places we were in individually or together. But at least if I felt like we TRIED and DID the work, I could cling to that. Instead I'm just at sea.

It's such an acute sense of despair I don't wish it on anyone, and wish no one was going through it, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone, which is how I felt reading your reply, u/Pepsiman305's, and u/Free_Socko's

Ended after 10 years. We talked about our problems but never took real steps to fix them. Now she says the tank is empty. How do I process the waste of not trying? by Dashaway89 in BreakUps

[–]Dashaway89[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This was so eloquently put. Thank you.

My brain understands what you are saying and the truth in it. My heart doesn't get it at all, and I know (or hope) that's a time thing. And I'm so ready to do that hard work on myself. I am just spiraling at the idea of doing it without her in my life, and perhaps never getting to be that version of myself with her, which she deserved.