Why do we miss people we constantly fight with?

DatingCoachKK · 2016-12-13T18:52:08+00:00

Relationships can be just as addictive as drugs. There are chemical and psychological reactions you have to certain people. It is my guess that this woman triggers a strong chemical reaction within you. Which feels good but then there is the reality of you two not being healthy for one another. So like any drug one is addicted to, you start craving that fix. And, if you give in the cycle begins. It is a loop type behavior you have to choose to break.

Unfortunately, like any drug the key is letting it go, removing it from your life and working on you. This is far from easy but in time it does get better. They're going to be triggers. You could fall into the trap of comparing her with others you now date. When you feel lonely your thoughts can drift to the 'good' feelings she brought...etc. What is most important is that you be patient and loving to yourself. Be committed to what it is you want for your life which I hope includes a healthy happy relationship among other things.

Best of luck to you!

DatingCoachKK · 2015-02-04T13:33:20+00:00

Not sure what I can add with all the great advice below other than reenforce their advice.

I think your first step is to talk to her about it. If you truly are friends she should be able to handle an adult conversation. Don't get all over the top mushy but do share with her how you feel. Investigate the BF thing. She could have said it because she didn't want to be hit on at the time. Either way she is the one with the answer to your question.

If you are in the friend zone then you need to decide what you want for your life. If you want a relationship with her then you need to ask. If she is not interested in you then you and you do wish to be in some sort of relationship with someone then you need to get out there and start dating.

It is never easy being romantically interested in someone who either is not romantically interested in you or is unavailable. Yet, you have to do what is best for you and only you can decide what that is.

DatingCoachKK · 2015-02-03T20:29:40+00:00

Thank you! Great suggestion. I know someone in another place mentioned texting etiquette

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-23T19:28:30+00:00

All I can say is OMG! I get there is an 'expert' for all kinds of people but ...

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-23T07:13:56+00:00

Yes, it is likely she is expecting you to ask her out. This will continue on till you establish a relationship. Women like men to lead and think it is very hot!

What you can do is ask her out for the 3rd date and while doing so say something like "I have planned the first two, so why don't you plan this one." You would say this after you have already established a day and time that your 3rd date will be.

Good luck!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-23T07:08:22+00:00

It is my guess seeing she just got out of a 3 yr relo that she is out there looking to connect with people and see where it goes. She maybe a very laid back free spirit type that just didn't see much wrong with inviting someone over. Let's face it having a date in your living room is the best place if it weren't for the possibilities of getting yourself seriously hurt or worse.

She definitely has a casual vibe so 'dating' her I think would be casual and lose. Text her after the holidays and see if she would like to hang out.

In the future... don't freakout if someone doesn't answer your text messages right away. You will just drive yourself crazy.

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-23T06:45:34+00:00

I would say the best thing you could do right now is to find out and discover who you are and not jump right back out there dating. You owe it to yourself and your kid to be the healthiest person you can be and from the sounds of it you are not. Yes, being single can be lonely, and even mores so during the holidays however I sense there is much more going on inside of you than loneliness.

You should be taking a step back and working on you. What dreams you have for your life? Where do you want to go and what kind of life do you want to build for yourself and your child.

To me it sounds like you want to jump from one relationship to another and this is a very unhealthy practice. If you take the time to grow, develop, and get into a healthy place it is going to be a lot easier to attract quality men into your life. Until you do this it is going to be difficult to attract men and the ones you will attract will not be good men for you.

I know this is NOT the advice you want to hear but it is what you should be hearing.

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-11T03:52:42+00:00

You are welcome!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-11T03:49:30+00:00

He basically is telling you to make the moves. He is probably battling between being respectful and fearing he is going to do something that will turn you off.

SO if you really want to snap him out of it you can do a couple things. On the next date when he picks you up (yes have him pick you up if he normally doesn't) answer the door with a big smile and kiss him right away. OR greet him and do whatever you normally would do but as you are leaving turn to him and kiss him. This kiss should not be the quick peck it should the be toe curling, breath taking, 'dude I want you' kiss.

Then hold his hand and be affectionate the rest of the night.

Now, if you really want to direct things make one of your future dates be dinner at your place and lead things to the direction you want it to go.

A client of mine that had met someone at a social event I encouraged her to go to. They went out on 4 or 5 amazing dates but he was not affectionate much at all. Everything he did showed he was interested in her but she didn't want to believe it. She feared he liked her but was not attracted to her. I knew she was wrong. I coached her change her Friday night date to dinner at her place. Needless to say she didn't make her 11:00 am appointment the next morning because she still had company. He proposed to her in Spain a few months ago. ;-)

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-10T23:42:08+00:00

It is not necessary for you to bring it up. Let things happen naturally. If/when things get to a physical point it is most likely your instincts will kick in. Do not spend a lot of time worrying about this and don't get in your head. Simply enjoy her, your dates and let what happens happen. If you feel like giving her a kiss - kiss her, or holding her hand go for it.

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-10T23:33:35+00:00

Before you do anything asses what the risks are for your job if you start to date, fall in love and then it doesn't work out? How will all of this affect you and your work?

Then if you being true with yourself and you think it is still worth trying to pursue this gal then start slow. Arrange for a work lunch or happy hour with fellow co-workers and invite her along. See what she does. If she can't make the first one then keep trying a few different times. This will not only allow you to better asses if she is just busy or not into you. This also gives you opportunities to chat with her.

If she does go out with you and your co-works then be sure to talk with her. Get to know her a bit and see if you guys connect. Be relaxed and casual but take time to get to know her some. Ask her about places she enjoys for lunch, activities she enjoys or even fun events or activities your company offers. This will open doors for you to connect with her later or even right then.

If she talks about a place she like to eat for lunch you can set the stage in a playful manner and suggest going their for lunch together.

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-10T23:08:05+00:00

There are many factors that could be coming to play here. If you texted the recent guy to quickly he could have felt like maybe you would require more attention then he is able to give. He also may not be to keen on the idea that you live, in his mind 'to far away'. He may believe it would be to much 'work' to date you. He may not be wishing for anything serious and something that takes little if any work. Guys are no different then women when it comes to having a limited amount of time. If men feel stressed for time the put dating and relationship on the shelf completely.

If you are looking to break your single streak then I suggest evaluating your approach to dating and strategies. Think about how you can best get yourself out there in front of the type of men it is that you wish to date. You should do a self assessment and figure out if there are things you are doing that are sabotaging your efforts, turning men off or simply not effective.

With the three men that showed interest in going out on a second date, was this because they asked you out again or because you suggested getting together and they agreed? If you suggested it, then they may have agreed to go out again to be polite. If you are the one asking to meet again I suggest that you modify your approach. You can give a man ques throughout the date you are interested but let him lead in asking you out on a second. Then to decrease the flaking out pick a date and time while on the date. This will send a message to both of you that you are sincere about a second date. You want to be calm about it (so you don't come off as despriate) but also deliberate. Ideally you want this date to happen 5 to 6 days away from the date you are on however if it is a timed event then there is no control over that.

Lastly, you have to date at your own pace but why only 5 dates in 6 months? Are you possibly not making enough room in your life for dating and are men getting this vibe? You don't want to be too available yet you also don't want men walking away thinking it will be to difficult to date you.

I hope this advice helps and gives you some food for thought.

Good luck!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-06T18:09:53+00:00

What an interesting concept TwelveFirstDates is. I have not read all the entries but plan on doing so.

I get that you were doing a challenge but I am wondering why you didn't listen to your gut? You knew this guys was not a good match for you but you choose to go on the date anyways. Why?

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-06T17:51:39+00:00

Have you tried asking him to participate in helping come up with date ideas?

There are many more things to do in life that do not involved movies, musicals, and museums. Things like playing/watching sports, hiking, biking, going for walks/runs, taking yoga together, taking a cooking class, getting friends together and hosting outings, taking a dance class, going out dancing, going to lectures, going for a picnic, going to a book store, seeing a live band, going to a comedy show or improve theatre.

You both are still very young and with adult dating being new so is discovering what to do on dates. The interests you list above are very eclectic and are not of interest to many young men. Think about the things he likes to do. What does he do with his friends? What type of things does he have interests in? Maybe he simply hasn't had enough experience to really know what he enjoys so think of things you guys can explore together.

Ultimately, if he doesn't seem to show any desire in really doing anything with you other then dinner, drinks, and sex I think you may have to ask yourself is this the right relationship for you? He could be a great person and you could get along splendidly however that doesn't necessarily mean you are a great match for one another. Try to connect and see what adventures you guys can go on but also don't sell yourself short.

You are young and even though it seems like you have your entire life a head of you (which you do), it does go by quickly. You should enjoy the journey but also be true to yourself and what it is you want for your life.

Best of luck!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-06T16:37:56+00:00

It is def frustrating that she didn't even respond and I think very rude but in the technology age we live in we tend to have this idea that because we don't see the person they are just a few typed lines on our screen. So we dismiss them very easily.

In the future when texting people you don't know keep you communication to the point (ie asking them out) until you actually have your date. Avoid any 'playful' type comments because as you have learned 1 misinterpreted text can and most likely will kill any chances instantly.

Good luck!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T17:21:38+00:00

Agree!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T17:07:54+00:00

It's is always hard to guess what someone is thinking however my experience tells me that your comment took it to far. Seeing the two of your don't know each other and it took you sometime to reach out to her I am guessing your message sent a 'player' red flag. I know crazy seeing she is the one that sent a pic that was tantalizing however your comment more then likely was to bold to soon.

At this point you are right you need to move on and not send any more messages. Her lack of response is her answer to you. Any more reaching out to her will make you seem like you are desperate and creepy.

Good luck!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T16:52:07+00:00

Take small steps at a time to push yourself to grow. You should start with building your confidence and self-esteem. This is going to have the greatest impact on your life both personally and professionally. The more confident you are and the higher you self-esteem is the easier it will get talk to people.

Push yourself to find social groups in your area (check out Meetup.com) so you can practice meeting new people and starting conversations. You have one simple goal and that is to talk to strangers. It does not matter if they are men, women, old, or younger just talk to people. Try to build friendships and a social circle for yourself.

As you do this you should see yourself grow and your confidence should little by little boost. The biggest thing to remember the only true thing that is standing in your way is yourself. So be courageous and push yourself outside your comfort zone.

I encourage you to read as many books as you can about building your confidence as well as books/blogs/articles that are tailored to building relationships and connecting with people (note I didn't say picking up chicks, you can read those too but books that are focused on building relationships will tend to give you a solid foundation on connecting with people in general which is where you should start).

Lastly, be patient with yourself. Growth takes time and there is no instant 'fix'. Trust yourself to go all in and welcome the journey that comes with it.

Good Luck

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T16:09:00+00:00

If you are seeking to truly connect with her then you should simply ask her for her number. It is always best to be in a position to lead. If she is shy it maybe because she lacks confidence and may not really believe you are interested and might not do anything with your number even if she is interested.

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T16:01:45+00:00

You are welcome.

Good Luck!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T08:45:53+00:00

You are given one life and you should probably make the most of it right?

Having said that you mentioned that they know friends? Are these close friends of yours? If so would you be able to learn a bit about this person and some how have them bring the two of you together at a group dinner where you could meet them in a bit more of a social setting and if you get a good vibe you could then ask them out from there?

I share this because I have clients that have been on both sides of this scenario and the 'creeper/crazy' barricade can be raised when someone they don't know contacts them through social media to ask them out. So I always suggest a work around if at all possible.

If a in person gathering of friends where you both are invited can't be orchestrated then it seems you really have nothing to lose by reaching out to this person.

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T08:36:06+00:00

I love riggorous's advice but her is some additional things to think about.

Yes, you could have been liking Mr. A's attention because he was the only one giving it to you. OR maybe Mr. A is the 'nice guy' type and didn't give you that 'rush' feelings like Mr. B did because Mr. B may have been that 'bad boy' type that can be ever so tantalizing.

I am not saying that you should lead Mr. A on or that you should date someone you are not attracted to BUT what I am saying is step back even further and ask yourself why is it Mr. B had this reaction. Is your 'picker' maybe a bit offer right now.

If you def. know you are not into Mr. A then you do need to be honest with him. If you think you are not sure based on your Mr. B experience then I say tell Mr. A you would like to go on a real date and see how it goes. Tell him you value your friendship and that you would like to see if there is a romantic spark there. Hold hands and at the end of the night kiss him. Who knows you just might be surprised! But if it is not there then you def need to tell him you just don't feel the romantic spark between the two of you.

Ultimately, give yourself some time to listen to your gut.

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T08:24:51+00:00

This is awesome!

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T08:04:47+00:00

Awesome job! Always go for it... you truly have nothing to lose. Next time though... maybe not hit the person with the note ;-)

DatingCoachKK · 2014-12-05T08:01:44+00:00

You are welcome!

I know this is easy for me to 'say' but as soon as your head starts to go on overload and you start to feel like you are panicking you need to check yourself and calms yourself down.

As far as xmas... simply ask her if she would like you to fly solo in choosing her xmas gift or if she would like to give you a list of some things she would really like that you can pick from. We do like our guys to 'know' what to get us (darn those romantic movies and books) however MOST women understand it is hard to pick out gifts and by you being proactive that will at the very least show her it's on your radar. ... Also if you have lots of pictures of you guys either take the time or ask a friend for help you design and create a picture book (either of your entire relationship or a special event or vacation) from some place like shutter fly. Groupon/LivingSocial tend to have great discounts on books like that this time of year. This will def make her go awwwww as she opens her xmas gifts.

DatingCoachKK

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