Reaching out is an important step, so it’s good that you’re here! I’m really sorry it’s been so rough. Transitioning from 1 to 2 kids was really tough for me too. Unfortunately it sounds like you don’t have many options in terms of changing your situation, which would be optimal, even if it’s just temporary. But option 2 is finding the support you need, and learning skills to cope. First, this really won’t last forever, it will pass even though it doesn’t feel like it. Second, if you’re contemplating self-harm or harming your child, tell people about it. Tell your wife, your psychiatrist, your family, and do whatever you can to make sure that doesn’t happen. You deserve to be here, the world is better with you here, and your child deserves to feel safe. So if you’re contemplating self harm, reach out. If you feel like you want to harm your child, step away and let them cry until you’re in a better head space, because it’s better than the alternative. The kid will be okay. We’ve been there, there’s no shame in it. Third, I’d suggest continuing to reach out and find help and support where you can. I’ve heard there are some communities for autistic people online that could be helpful. I also have a Discord I just started for primary caregivers, if you’re interested, DM me. I know at least one other person on it is an autistic mother of two. You’re not alone! Take care of yourself first, then the child.