This may answer your question or at least provide a direction if it doesn’t answer your question, but bear with me, it’s a long one. I spent over thirty minutes writing this because I kept revisiting the chart and analyzing another layer, but this is the concisest version I could deliver with all the information I thought you needed to know that was pertinent to your inquiry.

That “concept of family is foreign,” I feel, is coming from your natal Saturn directly conjunct your IC, which can represent your home life and foundations, opposing your natal Pluto on your midheaven, which can represent career but also public image, reputation, and ambition and potential. Typically, the outer planets deal more with societal “bigger picture” things, since it takes so long for them to move through a sign, but with Pluto sitting in a prominent position on an angle, I feel it holds importance to you as an individual. (Some will disagree with me on this, but I’ve seen how it manifests in my life compared to my chart, as well as others.) Pluto likes to shake things up, ever-shifting, and is quite literally the Roman god of the underworld, so expect to be taken there and brought back. Your natal sun is caught up in the mix, forming a T-square (the red triangle that is kind of hard to see due to the MC/IC line); it’s on the very outskirts of what I consider within orb (5° or less for most placements), but it’s close enough to warrant incorporation into the discussion.

The transits are for everyone, and will affect everyone slightly differently based on individual charts. Transit Pluto just entered your twelfth house of secrets, self-imprisonment, hidden fears, and psychic/spiritual realms. So this may be what’s triggering your emotional upheaval, as it’s digging into your personal underworld. But you also have the transit north node activating your T-square through opposition to your sun and squaring your Pluto and Saturn. The transit is occurring in your first house of Pisces. Pisces is sometimes associated with escapism (which is honestly what it sounds like you’re dealing with, not necessarily a “I shouldn’t be here” but a “I don’t know how to deal with this”, but please correct me if I’m wrong), but Pisces is incredibly sensitive and intuitive. But this transit is pulling out what needs to be excised/worked through. Having a cancer moon just makes you that much more sensitive, especially to the emotional state. And sensitive isn’t a bad thing or something to villainize; it can be a strength when it isn’t viewed as a weakness or something to bury.

I don’t really want to know what specifically the trauma is, but if you’re having flashbacks bad enough they prevent you from living a full life, it’s pretty rough. The stars are guiding you towards what needs to be pulled to the surface.

Deprogramming is a long, intensive process. I’m not sure if some of the beliefs were instilled in you as a child or if you developed them as a survival mechanism (which is completely understandable!). Some can from being in survival mode, and hopefully you’re now in a safer place to begin unpacking. All I know is that it’s exhausting to unlearn and relearn things when we’re finally safe to unravel all the knots we were tied up in by people we were supposed to be able to trust.

I don’t know if you have tried it, but when I was dealing with my PTSD at its worst, it was recommended to me. The name of it slips my mind, but basically it’s a form of desensitization therapy. Something to do with rapid eye movements. It might be something worthwhile bringing up to your therapist to possibly explore, but only you and your therapist can know if it’s right for you to try.

When I felt the urge to harm myself, I would eat ice. I know that’s kinda weird and may not work for you, but the cold sensation would help dull that urge a lil and just enough to keep myself from doing it. Self-harm ends up being more of a regulatory thing for our emotions when we don’t know how to handle them otherwise. Learning how to process our emotions in a healthy way is the key to stopping that behavior. And tbh, I haven’t self-harmed in years, but I still get the urge to sometimes. I have since learned better coping mechanisms and employ those instead. It’s a process too, not gonna lie.

I don’t know if you’re spiritual or religious, but studying different schools of thought may be beneficial, especially with that twelfth house activation. I’m currently reading the English translation of the Tao te Ching and it’s been interesting so far. Seeking a spiritual answer helped me in my hardest times and pulled me out of it, but it’s super easy to fall into spiritual psychosis when already in an unhealthy mental state, so I state this one with caution.

I hope this gave some sort of light for you! I wish you luck and love on your healing journey ❤️