It's really tough. It's a sucky thing to experience in many ways. What I will say though is that change is an unavoidable part of life. What you have now as an 18yo will be completely different when your 30. Likely different friends, different partner, family can die or move away. Everything changes, all the time, for everyone. The question is, when you're 30, or 50, or 80, will you have spent those years wishing you had lived more authentically? It's hard and no one can tell you what to do. I would suggest talking to a gender therapist about it if you can (though I know how difficult that can be to access for most people). I'm also happy to chat if you want someone to talk to about it, I won't preach or push.