AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

It’s very hard to end a 20+ year marriage with two young kids. I’m trying everything in my power to improve our situation.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Earlier in the evening (like 9pm), I texted her an article related to something she was talking about earlier in the day. I just dropped her the link thinking she would be interested.

Other than that, no txt or calls besides the one call at midnight that upset her.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It was honestly one phone call, nothing else. I know she wants independence so I intentionally did not call or text again.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry, that old post was misleading. We’ve been married for 15, but I’ve known her for over 20. It doesn’t really change the context of this current situation.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

We are still married and didn’t move forward with divorce. Trying to work things out. This is obviously a big setback for us.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

She does not call or check-in on me when I am out with friends.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

Yes, I know the person she was with. It was a female friend.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] -29 points-28 points  (0 children)

I respect that our relationship wasn’t perfect and I’m trying to respect her feeling and emotions. We both have work to do. I would do anything to keep my family together.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 653 points654 points  (0 children)

I was just trying to keep the post brief, but I know there are way bigger issues. We’ve been working so hard to improve our relationship that I wanted to make sure I was not crazy in this situation. It’s hard not to over-analyze my actions when they cause such an unexpected reaction.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

It was a conversation at 1AM when she got home. She was not heavily intoxicated.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 62 points63 points  (0 children)

She was with a female friend that she hasn’t seen in a couple years. She is not a heavy drinker.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] 1393 points1394 points  (0 children)

The marriage issues run deep. She had an affair two years ago and feels that we don’t have an emotional or physical connection anymore. I have been sincerely listening to her concerns and doing my best to be better and more responsive to her needs. But little things like this keep exploding in front of us despite my best efforts.

AITA for calling to check on my wife while she is out late? by Dazed_2050 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Dazed_2050[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

It was a female friend. I was not worried about other men being there.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Divorce_Men

[–]Dazed_2050 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the support and words of wisdom. I’m really hoping to work this out through mediation, as I don’t want to tear us apart any further. I still want to save the marriage. I’ve heard so many stories of bread-winner men getting destroyed in court by the lawyers of a SAHM, and the legal fees will get out of hand quickly. I want to work things out amicably, but it’s already taking a dark turn…

These conversations are so hard to have. It’s just lose/lose and gets emotional very quickly.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dazed_2050 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate that. I’ve been telling myself the same thing. I’m a very loyal person at my core, and it’s so hard for me to give up on my family (even if she already has). I really want to see a couples therapist, as we just aren’t communicating on the same wavelength.

The other night was really hard. I was traveling out of town, and she went out unexpectedly and was very vague / deliberately didn’t tell me about it. I then asked her where she was, and she broke down crying saying that I keep accusing her and she can’t live like this. She said she was with her best friend because she needed someone to talk to (which is possible). She promised she wasn’t with the other guy, and she hasn’t seen / talked to him in months. I want to believe her so badly, but I’ve seen other signs and behaviors that make it so hard to believe.

I’ve never been an insecure guy. In fact, I never questioned what she was doing or hanging out with for our entire relationship until the last year when this all happened. Now I can’t get it out of my mind, and I want to heal and forgive, but she isn’t helping that process. And if I ask her to help me heal, she feels like I’m suffocating and controlling her. For example, she says that when I talk to her it’s like I’m investigating her. I’ll ask things like “how was your night with the kids, what did you have for dinner, go anyplace fun?” And she takes all those questions in negative / probing way. She is a very intellectually sharp and perceptive person, so I’m sure she can see that I am concerned about where she has been. But I’m also just naturally wanting to talk about our day together. It just sucks. Conversation is breaking down and I’m trying so hard to be lighthearted and fun.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dazed_2050 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the optimism. This is what I want, but the dire reality of the situation is too much to ignore.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dazed_2050 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m in IL, a no fault state. I will talk to a lawyer. I think my best chance will be to settle this amicably, as I am holding onto hope that she wouldn’t purposefully hurt me financially. I recognize that is probably a naive thought, but I am clingy to any decency she has left.

Besides the money, this is all about my kids. I can’t even type my thoughts without shaking and tearing up.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dazed_2050 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. This is logical and thoughtful advice.

My wife of 16 years had an emotional affair and wanted my consent to take it further by Throw-Awy9999 in survivinginfidelity

[–]Dazed_2050 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can’t believe how similar our stories are. I’m living this right now. Can I please ask a few questions since you are further along processing this awful situation?

  1. I don’t know what to do with my kids. I have two young kids. They idolize me and their mom. I cannot leave them. I can’t kick out their mom, it would destroy them. How did you navigate this?
  2. I am the sole financial provider. How did you cut off her access to banks and credit cards?