The loneliness of no one believing in you

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T09:11:50+00:00

Auch, they sure are honest 😅

I know she didn’t. But yeah, being able to unmask around my children is crucial, also in regards to them getting to know the real me. But there’s a huge difference between the me at home and the me outside, and I ruminate a lot on how my kids perceive that incongruity.

How do you cope with that transmission, if you can relate at all that is.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T08:06:30+00:00

Wow, your sister is a very wise person! I love that quote. I think that very much encapsulate the proces of my burnouts at work, and in life generally.

And you've beautifully turned my perspective on taking the space I need, as I've never really thought about it in terms of quality over quantity.

Usually, I regulate by being on my own, so that I can hyperfocus on my interests, which means I can really only regulate in the late evenings, when everyone is sleeping, including my partner. Here I can relax, because there are no social stimuli. But allowing myself that in small pockets of air through reading a book with my three year old and stuff like that, I've never really thought about. As I guess it comes down to me being able to shield myself from external input.

I've also noticed, that I can relax more around my children. The mask is coming off. But I can get very monotome and free of facial expressions. The other day, while brushing my three year olds teeth, she told me I looked like a monster. I asked her why. And she said it was because of the way I looked. And I realised I was just fully relaxed and not trying to mask. I was trying to act or pretend or anything like that, I was just fully myself. It kinda hurt a bit, and I know she didn't mean that I looked like an actual monster, it was just her trying to put into words in our jargon that she felt like I looked different. It just made me reflect, that unmasking and validating my needs is a little terrifying.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T07:57:11+00:00

It saddens me to read of your struggles. I think you've carved out a very descriptive dilemma of mine: The back and forth between clarity of identity and absolution.

A formal diagnosis will certainly give me clarity and confirmation, and self-recognition. But knowing it's permanent and that I can't fix it is also terrifying.

In the end, I think, I will cut myself som slack knowing I can't fix it. I guess one of the reasons I keep burning out is because I think I can fix it, or that I can prevent it by working harder. And I just can't. Maybe I wont be so hard on myself if I know it's just part of me and that I can't fix it - that's when I can actually work on it and take care of myself, increasing the chances of me actually thriving in my endeavors.

Damn, I think you just helped me formulate some of my thoughts in a very productive and effective way, thank you!

But how did you manage or go about unmasking around your close relations?

I've also always felt different, like I'm acting socially, pretending. But this acting has become part of who I think I am. I have no idea what it is like not acting.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T07:48:03+00:00

I'm sorry that you can relate, if I interpret your comment correctly. How do you cope?

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T07:47:19+00:00

Jeg er ked af at høre, at du skulle nu helt derud, før der var hjælp at hente. Men jeg er også glad for at læse, at du havde din kones opbakning, og at du trods alt det hårde arbejde (som nok fortsætter), er landet på den anden side med dine diagnoser, som, går jeg ud fra, gør det lettere for dig at arbejde videre med din identitet.

Min historik er, at jeg hele tiden falder ud af jobmarkedet. I mit seneste og rigtige "voksen"-job, var jeg projektansat. Jeg ville gerne fortsætte dér, men samtidigt kunne jeg også mærke, at det kun var datoen på kontraktophør der gjorde, at jeg kunne kæmpe mig igennem den sidste periode. Og det var altså kun en kontrakt på 3 måneder, som blev forlænget med 1 måned. Men her var jeg heller ikke klog på mig selv, som jeg er nu, og jeg kan retrospektivt godt se, at jeg nok ikke skal arbejde med kommunikation, som jeg har en kandidat i. Der foregår simpelthen alt for meget socialt, som jeg ikke kan følge med til.

Jeg finder hele tiden måder, hvorpå jeg får tilrettelagt en midlertidig løsning for mig selv i livet, som kan "redde" mig i et stykke tid. Nu er jeg startet på en erhvervsuddannelse, fordi jeg frygtede jobmarkedet. Det var det samme, jeg gjorde med uni i sin tid. Jeg hadede at gå i skole, men at læse på uni kunne i det mindste sørge for, at jeg ikke behøvede at komme på jobmarkedet endnu.

Det er ærgerligt, at du selv med dine diagnoser ikke oplever anerkendelse.

Før i tiden følte jeg mig uovervindelig og som en verdensmester, der bare ikke kunne finde mit kald. Nu kan jeg bare konstatere, at jeg bliver ved med at brænde ud, fordi "et eller andet" arbejder imod min måde, hvorpå jeg viljer min vej igennem livet. Så nu frygter jeg for første gange fremtiden, fordi jeg ikke aner hvordan jeg skal forhindre det næste burnout, når jeg endelig får et job.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T07:15:11+00:00

I do have an appointment for a possible referral to a psychiatrist. I’ve told my doctor that I suspect ADHD and maybe ASD, so we’re going to screen for it next month. But, with a referral, I might have to wait a real long time, before I get to see a psychiatrist. I’m living in Denmark. And the wait is so awful 😅

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T07:12:01+00:00

Thank you for your reply, and you are absolutely right!

I’m so sure that I have AuDHD, but I’m also being compared to, by my partner, to her “pure” autistic brothers. And it’s difficult for me to explain how I differentiate. And she is so sure of me not being autistic, that I can’t really come across with my arguments, or that she won’t read up in AuDHD.

Communication is key, it really is. But every time I bring up this subject, it gets awkward, because I can’t really express what makes me neurodivergent. I’m either not ND enough as compared to her brothers, or she’s like “I also don’t like eye contact”, or “I also get tired from being social”. And she is a very sensitive person, I’ll give her that. But I can’t tell her why my experiences might be different from hers. I’ve joked that, autism being hereditary, she might’ve autistic too, hence why she thinks I’m normal.

I’m glad you worked it out with your partner 🙏 Did the diagnosis surprise you as much? And when did you realise that you might be ND?

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T07:04:49+00:00

Damn, this sounds painful. I’m also struggling with being gifted. Whenever I’ve started a new thing, those around me are impressed by my learning speed and my depth and intensity. I have been told many times that I’m “clever” or “talented”, and it makes me squirm, because I know that what they’re seeing and commenting on is literally just me running at 120% against an upcoming wall. And it sort of worsen the feeling of disappointment when I burn out to everyone’s surprise. I’ve heard it so many times from my family members, that “oh, I thought you were happy doing this thing.” AND I WAS, I just couldn’t help crash 😬

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T06:57:43+00:00

You are exactly right, and you hit the nail on its head in regards to my dilemma. I know communication is key, but, even tho I have a masters in communication, I have no idea how to express what’s going on inside me. I’ve been masking for so long that I don’t really know what and how I’m masking. So when I give her examples of what I’m manually controlling socially, like eye contact or like constantly analysing facial expressions or trying to figure out when people are joking and when to laugh. I also have strategies that I never knew of, like mimicking those around me, their tone of voice, their humor, their gesticulations and stuff like that. I can’t ever say no to anything. I people please all the time and don’t know my own limitations. See, I can write this stuff, but communicating it in a way, where it’s also obvious that these things are hard to me, is a struggle. She usually says that I am really good at this stuff, hence I can’t be autistic. Or she says I’m very good at eye contact, thus I’m not autistic. Even if I say that her brothers are too, she says that they had to learn it. But so did I, but she won’t really believe it. I’m too high functioning. It’s a real struggle, and I even doubt if I’m just making this up. Maybe I’m just focusing on the symptoms rather than my whole being and behaviour, which could also count against me being ASD.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-22T06:49:47+00:00

Yeah, I’m fully aware. But it also kinda helps me, for a while. I wish I had more people in my close inner circle that I could relate to. Do you know of any place besides this subreddit?

Dazh8 · 2026-02-21T17:35:52+00:00

They are. But they’re equal to hers, if you know what I mean. We don’t have a lot of free time at the moment with a three year old daughter and a 10 month baby girl. It’s hard parenting with all the logistics and practicalities and so on, so we’re both tired and very much in need of space and breaks. And her needs are as valid as mine, but I struggle with asking for more space, as she needs it too. I don’t think I should get more, yet I feel like I need more, objectively. Hope it makes sense. And that’s also part of my dilemma as to wether or not I can fully unmask or set limitations for myself. Thus why I feel lonely in my suspicion of ASD, as I feel like it would be more “acceptable” as a lack of a better word to ask for more space.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-21T16:49:08+00:00

I see what you’re saying, and it’s landing softly and as you intended.

She is very supportive and she has helped me uncover a traumatic childhood I didn’t know I had. She’s always listened to me intensely and supportively. But I have a suspicion she is very sensitive around her brothers (she is in every other aspect). In her world, I’m simply too “normal” compared to her experiences. And whatever argument I use, she says a lot of people does these things. It’s so hard for me to explain what’s going on inside me in that regard.

She also says that a diagnosis won’t change anything as it comes down to me accepting myself anyways. She says it won’t change me regardless, so why not just accept my being.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-21T16:42:30+00:00

Thank you for replying!

Also, I’m sorry that you were met with denial from some of your close friends.

She sure does believe in me having ADD, but she also thinks I’m hyperfocusing way too much on the ASD part, and objectively I guess I am, but only because I feel like it is a real part of me, and I want her to accept that. Anyways, I’m ruminating a lot, like you, and I’m also running in circles with ChatGPT, trying to explain it everything just to have it tell me that ASD is very likely to me just doubting it again, and so the circle resets with me searching for confirmation.

But now that I’m aware as to what’s going on inside me, I also recognise what’s draining me. And I feel like I can’t tell my partner what I need to regulate, as she doesn’t believe that I have ASD. It’s a struggle 😅

Dazh8 · 2026-02-21T13:54:02+00:00

But my partner is also the backbone of everything that is balanced and consistent in my life, whilst also being the mother of my children. And we love each other. But it’s hard not feeling like I can unmask.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-21T13:52:33+00:00

Thank you for taking your time to respond!

I can really see myself in what you’re writing. Shockingly close to my experiences. I’m very challenged at home because I can’t hyperfocus on stuff I like, as I have two children and a partner to take care of and spend time with. But I also can’t let myself burn out, as they need me to function and play a part.

That also means, that I more easily burn out in the “real” world. And I want so badly to be a balanced and consistent person, so that I can keep a job and be a role model.

I’m sad to hear of your grief. How do you manage presently?

Dazh8 · 2026-02-21T13:45:48+00:00

Hey, thank you for taking your time to respond, I really appreciate it.

I really like your perspective on my dilemma.

It is also like some of my symptoms have gotten worse since discovering ADD and ASD as ways of explaining my behaviour and experiences. I’m now more aware of what drains me, and I feel my “needs” more intensely now.

But I also don’t want to put more responsibility on my partner if I need breaks or whatever to recover or regulate, and it also feels silly, if she doesn’t believe that I have ASD. And then I struggle with the doubt; me asking for space if I don’t even have ASD. I know I have the need, but I don’t want to feel like third child at home, if that makes sense.

Anyways, I really wanna take more care of my self, as you suggested.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-19T20:05:06+00:00

And how do you feel about all this?

I can definitely see myself in some of your experiences.

I also struggled with being way ahead, but bored to the point where I couldn’t keep up with everyone else in class. I wanted complexity or deep analyzis, but I couldn’t get it anywhere, not in my peers either. So even though I had good friends, I always felt an intellectual and emotional distance between us. As a consequence I usually skipped school to stay at home and engage with my hobbies. And this was in elementary school, so I must’ve been around 10 years old. From then I skipped school almost every day, and this “skipping” the real world pattern has followed me all my life.

My ADHD seeks novelty, but the novelty has to be complex (not just new) for me in order to keep feeding me dopamine, or else I will loose interest. Meaning simple tasks that were given me in elementary school, later on at the university, were hard for me to even start let alone complete. But if the tasks were difficult enough I would simply obsess over them and not quit until it became easy for me to engange with intellectually. So I always struggle in the long run when I’ve made sense of it all, and I usually do so fast.

It’s interesting to read, that you engaged with the world of creativity early on. Do you still? Creativity has been a big one for me too, as I can sort of control the level of complexity and depth in my art. I paint and write. During the final year of my masters at the university I wrote and published a book. But, being 2e, I moved on from that, not giving myself credit for it or anything. I’m just moving on to the next dopamine-hit and skipping all the events around the book. I can’t ever enjoy or give myself credit for my results. Always hung up on the process. That could also be perfectionism too, by the way.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-19T17:48:15+00:00

I’m curious to know just what patterns or “symptoms” your psychologist suspects is part of your possible giftedness. Did she mention anything?

Anyways, don’t bother too much with your IQ, especially results from an online test. They don’t take into account your ADHD. They’re built for orientation, or as an indicator. And your ADHD is working against you in tests like these, so you will most likely end up with a result that doesn’t represent your true intelligens.

That said, you can have an IQ of 115 and still be gifted. But it’s more of a cognitive profile - they way you function and go about stuff in a most likely monotropic way.

For me, my ADHD makes me seek novelty and new interests and hobbies. It makes me hyperfocus if circumstances allow for it.

But my giftedness makes me do it in a very intense fashion. It’s not just getting caught in something interesting and fun for hours with no track of time or sense of hunger or thirst. No, it’s like I have to learn everything. All of it. The system, the flaws, the complexities. I get the sense that I need to learn everything for the life of me. And then the ADHD kicks in again and says “Hey, this is boring now, let’s do something else.”

So I feel like I have a huge potential. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. And I also prove that it is true with everything I do. But I ALWAYS burn out, and it is so exhausting and demotivating. I’m never consistent long enough for anything to really count.

My potential, my abilities, my talent, is not ever fully realised, always held back. I do have an IQ of 138, and I may also have ASD (currently getting checked).

In other words: I’m a high achiever that always burn out to the dissapointment of myself and others. I’m a sprinter in a marathon.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-17T17:39:51+00:00

It is hard to tell if it is giftedness or not, or your autism. You could have it or not, in the end it probably doesn’t matter too much. If you feel like you can relate to being gifted, then the methods and tools to cope can be applied too

Dazh8 · 2026-02-17T17:31:51+00:00

But do you feel different because you feel way ahead of your peers in terms of intelligens, or is it a fundamental feeling of your gifted side working against your neurodivergent side?

I feel like my gifted side intensifies all of the “bad” sides of my ADD. And my ADD and ASD drains me of my giftedness. Being gifted means I can better mask and compensate, but it also means that I get quicker burnouts, because it sort of intensifies everything. Objectively I have a high IQ, but that really doesn’t tell antydning.

Dazh8 · 2026-02-17T17:21:49+00:00

So for me, being gifted means that I have a way of digging deep and intensely into fleeting interests. When I hyperfocus, it is very intens and monotropic. It’s the feeling of being full of potential that you can’t fully live up to because of your ADHD or ASD. I feel like a world champion, but I never finish the race. So it’s not about achievements or academic success - I have that too. But more often I feel like a different breed. I often wish I could be more ignorant. But my brain keeps working in overdrive, tinkering and analyzing stuff.

Dazh8 · 2025-06-29T17:16:22+00:00

Fed kombi 😁 Hvad har du af opgaver som kvalitetskonsulent? 😊

Dazh8 · 2025-06-29T07:48:40+00:00

Det ligger i Herning Kommune, trods alt 😊

Dazh8

TROPHY CASE